fun and games

i always wonder why i'm so predisposed to be lazy. and i have almost no competitive spirit really. i not only don't want to reach for success on any exterior level, i have little to no ambition to reach, achieve, or surpass personal goals. but maybe that's not quite it.

so a friend of mine is an avid outdoor enthusiast. she and her family bike and hike and climb. and she's always encouraging me to do so too. but i kind of avoid such things with her, because when i'm with her, i always feel slow. and out of shape. and let's put it this way, bored. all i can think about when we're riding is "go faster, keep up, go faster." and it's monotonous to me. and grueling.

but put me on my bike alone, where i'm free to meander as i please and go as slow or fast as i please, and i'm a really happy girl. because i can think my thoughts and look at things i want to look at without trying to go as fast as i can maintain. if it takes me all day to get to point b from point a, it doesn't matter. i like sauntering. i like stopping when i feel like it. and i always wonder about the people (on my left) who are whizzing past me in such a hurry. where are they going, i wonder? and if they want to go that fast, why not get in a car?

and then one night while i was visiting my daughter, after dinner she, her husband, and i played jenga. you know, where you are supposed to build a tower using the blocks you take out of the foundation. But you are supposed to want to put your opponents in a precarious position, so that they crash the tower and they lose and you win. it was fun. and then while considering a move and outloud voicing my thoughts on the possibilities, my daughter noted that i really didn't play the game right, because i wasn't trying to put my opponents in the position to lose the game, i was trying to make sure the tower got as high as it could so that the game could continue. that's not the game, she informed me.

but then there are my words with friends games. where, i almost always win. i almost always beat anyone i play. even at the times when i've asked the game to match me with someone with like abilities, i almost always win. one such player asked me if i cheat and use the word finder apps on the computer. and i say no, but i don't think they believe me. i just play. because i like to play. and i very much enjoy the feature that allows you to try out words without getting penalized. and that you can take as long as you'd like to reply. but, i wonder if i'd like playing as much if i didn't usually win. i have one friend who i play all the time. and she's never, not once beat me. i've even more or less tried to lose to her and somehow can't. and she's not a stupid person at all. but she's just no good at this. and i wonder why in the heck she keeps asking to play again. and will often have multiple games going with me. i honestly think that she's hoping one day she'll get really lucky and beat me. and then that will be the day she stops playing. she can feel like she's done something. achieved something that she couldn't do before.

i don't know. but it's got me thinking that maybe my lack of competitive drive comes from that i simply don't like to lose.

i watch my little grandson who has become something of a relief pitcher when his team is getting overwhelmed. and i almost hate watching because i can't stand the pressure. but, he's exactly like his father, my son, who although he feels the pressure, also seems to withstand it. and most times, because he's calm, he gets them out of their jams. even while he's certainly not the fastest or maybe even the most versatile of pitchers. what he does and can do is keep his calm. i admire that in him, as i admired it in my son. me, i'd be saying, "please take me out, surely there is someone who can pitch better than i can." but not him. in fact, in a recent game where the team he was playing on already had the game won and he started to get in a bit of trouble himself, because of fielder errors and just plain good hits, the coach came to take him out. and he said he'd go, but if it was ok with the coach, he'd really like to finish the inning. and then within four or so pitches, he finally did. the thing was he wanted to work his way out. while i would have just wanted the hell out of there.

and i suppose that part of this is that he's not yet really learned that sometimes things are just hopeless. (and i hope he never really does.) But, i also think that in a way that to him, this competition with others and with himself is just plain fun. it's a fun challenge. all i know is that to me, it's not fun at all.