when i grow up

a friend of mine is looking for something new in her life. she quit her job. and is now considering what she can do next. and actually as we were talking things over, an idea occurred to her that appealed to her. and i hope that she can make it work, and it turns out well. i can see no reason why it won't.

during the course of the conversation though, i reiterated and she understood that i don't seem to have much ambition to do or be anything better or anything else.

and as i said, she understood how i felt, because another part of our conversation was how truly frantic and overwhelming our lives used to be.

all that said, i can't retire, retire. for financial reasons, and for don't want to turn into a puddle of mush reasons.

but that said, i don't really know that i want a challenge either. i know i don't want a challenge. my life has seemed challenging. so i'm tired of it.

but still i feel this twinge. this sort of twinge that i'm reasonably capable, i'm healthy, and i probably could contribute to something or other. and so maybe i should. try to do something helpful to the world.

and maybe that's true. but i don't know. i guess rather than living to work like i used to- i want to work to live for a change. and to heck with contributions to society.

but back to the other hand, i feel guilty somehow. i feel like there should be some kind of point to the rest of my life. so maybe that's the point. that i don't feel right now like i have a point. i occupy space. i burn oxygen. i consume. so maybe i ought to give back or something.

because isn't that the point? the point of life? to be helpful to others. to be there for others? do things for others?

i don't know. maybe i should go volunteer for something. when i grow up.

hmmm...

so a friend of mine gave me the book written by Elizabeth Smart that details the events of her kidnapping. i'm not sure why he gave me this book exactly because i'd never, to my memory, expressed any interest in this story. or of knowing the sordid details. and i really never planned on reading it, except for i found myself bookless (i keep very few books anymore for space's sake) and it was night and i couldn't get to the library to get new books, so i picked it up and read it.

and what i was struck by in the book was that although she doesn't discount therapy for others who have been traumatized, what she claims is that she didn't need it to become whole and well again.

and well, you gotta think about that. by all appearances now, she is a happy, healthy, contributing individual and is not sad or bitter and doesn't ruminate on the horrible months she spent in captivity being raped and starved and other-wise ill-treated. not very many people could come out of that so unscathed, i'd think.

so i started thinking about why. first i think- she'd had a very solid foundation in life. with a family who loved her and whom she loved back. 2nd, she attributes a lot to having a very srong faith in god- which i think can help a person if they've got it. 3rd, when she returned, her family just allowed her to be and they just spent time with her on her terms. particularly her grandfather, who she went horseback riding with and told her, "ride more, talk less." and then- her mother told her very clearly told her this, "Elizabeth, what this man has done is terrible. There aren't any words that are strong enough to describe how wicked and evil he is! He has taken nine lives of your life that you will never get back again. But the best punishment you could ever give him is to be happy. To move forward with your life. To do exactly what you want. Because, yes, this will probably go to trial and some kind of sentencing will be given to him and that wicked woman. But even if that's true, you may nevr feel like justice has been served or that true restitution has been made. But you don't need to worry about that. At the end of the day, God is our ultimate judge. He will make up to you every pain and loss that you have suffered. And if it turns out that these people are not punished here on Earth, it doesn't matter. His punishments are just. You don't ever have to worry. You don't ever have to think about them again. You be happy, ELizabeth. Just be happy. If you go and feel sorrry for yourself or if you dwell on what has happened, if you hold on to your pain, that is allowing him to steal more of your life away. So don't you do that! Don't you let him. There is no way that he deserves that. Not one more second of your life. You keep every second for yourself. You keep them and be happy. God will take care of the rest."

so, yeah. i don't have that faith, as you know, but even without that part, what i think is that her mother is/was a genious here. She distinctly told her daughter that she shouldn't waste one moment more on evil. and she clearly labeled it as evil for her. Then, She distinctly told her that life should not be about revenge or sadness. and she distinctly did NOT say that she should or should not try to forgive the guy. she told her not to worry about any of that. none of that was required of her. in essense, she gave her daughter back exactly the centering she needed.

her daughter's life was retored to her. she was, in no uncertain words, told that she hadn't lost anything really, not love, not family, not her past, and that she should get (take) back exactly the life she had before. and she did.

i do find that inspiring. i really do. and well, you know? i think that if what you lost or had can be restored to you, there really is no need to go through counseling to be whole again. no need to waste your money. or time on it, really.

what maybe isn't so easy though, is when/if you can't have what you had restored to you. or maybe if you never had a good solid foundation. maybe then, you need extra help learning to be ok with your loss and/or your trauma. hard to say. but either way, i find what her mother thought to say to her, absolutely extraordinary. and i'm very glad that i read the book. it helps me put things in perspective in my life. because while i've never suffered anything close to her experience, i just think this helps me realize and expressly appreciate what finally put me on the road to being ok again after i suffered some blows in my life, and it wasn't really the counseling, it was the very steady and contant presence of friends and family, who let me know that i never had and never would lose them. all those things were restored to me. in fact, never ever left me.

and i think that even as my children are grown- perhaps the best thing i can ever do for them is make sure they know they will always have my unconditional love and support. no matter what touch times they might ever suffer. i'd like to think that although i was far from a perfect mother and that they had to live through their parents' divorce and aftermath, that i (with much help) did give them a pretty firm foundation to fall back on. i truly hope that they never once worried that they weren't loved.

the viagra women

so, my father as he got older seemed to develop more and more of an intolerance for heavy people. he wasn't (as he never was) out and out mean to them, but privately he would make comments that indicated that he felt that heavy people just weren't trying or something. and i guess i thought it was a bit out of character for him as he was never judgmental of appearances or other superficial attributes. and i didn't quite understand it until now.

because i have developed somewhat of an intolerance for older women with long hair. i just think they look stupid. and for some reason, it grates on me how very stupid they look to me. and nowhere do they look more stupid than on those viagra commercials. you know those women? they are usually lolling around on a bed or in the grass or on a beach or something trying to look sultry and sexy and alluring. and maybe they do to men who wish they could get it up like they used to. but to me, they just plain look stupid as all hell.

who are they trying to kid? they are not young anymore. their locks don't look luscious or lush or even mildly attractive. they either look like dried, dingy straw or they look like greasy, slippery strands of string.

so maybe cindy crawford or andie mcdowell can pull off this look in their old age, but for the most part no-one else really can. and i would even venture to say that it really doesn't look all that great on cindy or andie if you saw them on the street or something. i don't know that. i never see them on the street; they don't apparently walk down any streets that i do. but still and all, i'm betting they don't really look all that good and that they really look just as stupid as the viagra women.

i just want to tell them, "hey give it up, you're making an ass of yourself." but well, oh well. if they want to do this, well then, whatever. i think i may start carrying a pair of scissors in my purse though.