hmmm...

so a friend of mine gave me the book written by Elizabeth Smart that details the events of her kidnapping. i'm not sure why he gave me this book exactly because i'd never, to my memory, expressed any interest in this story. or of knowing the sordid details. and i really never planned on reading it, except for i found myself bookless (i keep very few books anymore for space's sake) and it was night and i couldn't get to the library to get new books, so i picked it up and read it.

and what i was struck by in the book was that although she doesn't discount therapy for others who have been traumatized, what she claims is that she didn't need it to become whole and well again.

and well, you gotta think about that. by all appearances now, she is a happy, healthy, contributing individual and is not sad or bitter and doesn't ruminate on the horrible months she spent in captivity being raped and starved and other-wise ill-treated. not very many people could come out of that so unscathed, i'd think.

so i started thinking about why. first i think- she'd had a very solid foundation in life. with a family who loved her and whom she loved back. 2nd, she attributes a lot to having a very srong faith in god- which i think can help a person if they've got it. 3rd, when she returned, her family just allowed her to be and they just spent time with her on her terms. particularly her grandfather, who she went horseback riding with and told her, "ride more, talk less." and then- her mother told her very clearly told her this, "Elizabeth, what this man has done is terrible. There aren't any words that are strong enough to describe how wicked and evil he is! He has taken nine lives of your life that you will never get back again. But the best punishment you could ever give him is to be happy. To move forward with your life. To do exactly what you want. Because, yes, this will probably go to trial and some kind of sentencing will be given to him and that wicked woman. But even if that's true, you may nevr feel like justice has been served or that true restitution has been made. But you don't need to worry about that. At the end of the day, God is our ultimate judge. He will make up to you every pain and loss that you have suffered. And if it turns out that these people are not punished here on Earth, it doesn't matter. His punishments are just. You don't ever have to worry. You don't ever have to think about them again. You be happy, ELizabeth. Just be happy. If you go and feel sorrry for yourself or if you dwell on what has happened, if you hold on to your pain, that is allowing him to steal more of your life away. So don't you do that! Don't you let him. There is no way that he deserves that. Not one more second of your life. You keep every second for yourself. You keep them and be happy. God will take care of the rest."

so, yeah. i don't have that faith, as you know, but even without that part, what i think is that her mother is/was a genious here. She distinctly told her daughter that she shouldn't waste one moment more on evil. and she clearly labeled it as evil for her. Then, She distinctly told her that life should not be about revenge or sadness. and she distinctly did NOT say that she should or should not try to forgive the guy. she told her not to worry about any of that. none of that was required of her. in essense, she gave her daughter back exactly the centering she needed.

her daughter's life was retored to her. she was, in no uncertain words, told that she hadn't lost anything really, not love, not family, not her past, and that she should get (take) back exactly the life she had before. and she did.

i do find that inspiring. i really do. and well, you know? i think that if what you lost or had can be restored to you, there really is no need to go through counseling to be whole again. no need to waste your money. or time on it, really.

what maybe isn't so easy though, is when/if you can't have what you had restored to you. or maybe if you never had a good solid foundation. maybe then, you need extra help learning to be ok with your loss and/or your trauma. hard to say. but either way, i find what her mother thought to say to her, absolutely extraordinary. and i'm very glad that i read the book. it helps me put things in perspective in my life. because while i've never suffered anything close to her experience, i just think this helps me realize and expressly appreciate what finally put me on the road to being ok again after i suffered some blows in my life, and it wasn't really the counseling, it was the very steady and contant presence of friends and family, who let me know that i never had and never would lose them. all those things were restored to me. in fact, never ever left me.

and i think that even as my children are grown- perhaps the best thing i can ever do for them is make sure they know they will always have my unconditional love and support. no matter what touch times they might ever suffer. i'd like to think that although i was far from a perfect mother and that they had to live through their parents' divorce and aftermath, that i (with much help) did give them a pretty firm foundation to fall back on. i truly hope that they never once worried that they weren't loved.