when i grow up

a friend of mine is looking for something new in her life. she quit her job. and is now considering what she can do next. and actually as we were talking things over, an idea occurred to her that appealed to her. and i hope that she can make it work, and it turns out well. i can see no reason why it won't.

during the course of the conversation though, i reiterated and she understood that i don't seem to have much ambition to do or be anything better or anything else.

and as i said, she understood how i felt, because another part of our conversation was how truly frantic and overwhelming our lives used to be.

all that said, i can't retire, retire. for financial reasons, and for don't want to turn into a puddle of mush reasons.

but that said, i don't really know that i want a challenge either. i know i don't want a challenge. my life has seemed challenging. so i'm tired of it.

but still i feel this twinge. this sort of twinge that i'm reasonably capable, i'm healthy, and i probably could contribute to something or other. and so maybe i should. try to do something helpful to the world.

and maybe that's true. but i don't know. i guess rather than living to work like i used to- i want to work to live for a change. and to heck with contributions to society.

but back to the other hand, i feel guilty somehow. i feel like there should be some kind of point to the rest of my life. so maybe that's the point. that i don't feel right now like i have a point. i occupy space. i burn oxygen. i consume. so maybe i ought to give back or something.

because isn't that the point? the point of life? to be helpful to others. to be there for others? do things for others?

i don't know. maybe i should go volunteer for something. when i grow up.