just like everyone else.

so just like everyone else in the world, today i'm going to talk about the suicide of robin williams.

but just like no one else in the world, i'm going to start by telling you that i really didn't care for his comedy very much. too manic. too panicked. too something.

i liked him in "good will hunting." i will say that. but other than that, in his comedy, i just didn't care for him. that's ok though. not everyone has to like everything that everyone else does.

i will say that i'm terribly sad for his family. suicide leaves a big hole for a family. and for the friends. of the person who takes his/her own life. i know that a person contemplating suicide can talk him or herself right out of that reality, because the pain is so unrelentingly intense. but the truth really is that a suicide leaves a big wrenching permanent hole in the lives of people who care about you.

now, unlike robin williams, i do believe there are the eleanor rigbys of this world. people who nobody cares about at all. please don't lie and say, "there's no such person." because there are, and i've met them. please don't say that "but jesus loves them" stuff either. jesus is just not a real concrete character. and a person contemplating needs a real concrete character to help them through. anyway, i do believe there are people in the world that do not have anybody. at all. and that's very sad. i'd like to utter the platitude of "be kind to everyone, you don't know what they are going through." but even that really isn't enough. yes, sometimes a kind word or a smile to a stranger at the right moment can be enough to talk a person off their ledge. but also, sometimes, that's really not enough. they need someone to really care that they are there in the next moment. really care, as in willing to sit with them through that next moment and the next one and the next one. and the next one. and then doesn't just ditch them when the danger seems to have passed.

and as i said, i do believe there literally are people who don't have that person. any person in their life like that. and that's sad. i wish i could say i knew what to do about that, but honestly, i don't.

robin williams was not one of those people though. he had people. he had his family. he had friends. he had legions of fans. but somehow no one was there at that exact moment. and even if they were around, they didn't realize somehow, the true depth of his struggles. obviously he was capable of some pretty great disguises. perhaps part of his pain was that no one could see through those disguises. everyone believed them. even the people he hoped could see through them.

so how do you save a robin williams? perhaps the truth of it is that you can't. i've always believed that the only way to stop a suicide is understand that the pain they are feeling about something is bigger than any kind of pain you have ever felt in your life. and that it feels unrelenting and without an end. and that the only thing you can possibly say if you happen to be with them in that moment and you do happen to realize how much pain they are in is that you will not leave them. that you won't ever desert them. ever.

and they won't believe you but the proof is in you staying. in them knowing that you are there always. always. always.

don't say, "things will get better." because you don't know that, and that will ring as a bigger lie than "the check is in the mail" to them. don't say, "i've hurt too." because chances are you have never hurt like they are hurting and they know it. don't say, "you're selfish." or "you have so much to live for." they won't believe you.

all they know is that they are in pain. horrible pain. like if their hand were in a pot of boiling water. the only thing they know they want is their hand out of the pot. they can't see, feel, or think beyond that.

so you have to see, feel, think- for them. you have to tell them you are there. that you will be there. that you will always be there. that's the only thing that might register.

the thing is that most everyone thinks that they'll never contemplate suicide. most everyone thinks only crazies or the weak follow through and the ones who tell you they think about it are just fakers wanting attention. no one ever thinks they are just like everyone else. in that when the pain is too great, you'll do anything to make it stop.

i feel very blessed. that there was a person who understood all this at a time in my life when the pain was too great. i feel very blessed that since that time, there have been people in my life that make me know every single day of my life that i am needed and wanted. and that they'd never leave me.

because i know that i'm just like everyone else, in that there will be things that hurt me again. that there might be times again when i can't see past the pain again. but i also know now that i will never be left alone with that pain. that people will recognize it even if i wear a disguise.

dream a little dream

my advice to the young and old, and especially myself

actually, this would have been my dad's advice. but always late to the party, i'm just now fully realizing it.

the advice? lighten up. enjoy what there is to enjoy. quit bitching and worrying about the things that are wrong. and be joyous about the things that are right.

and that doesn't mean you don't need to fix things that are broken. or that you should ignore and walk away from people who need you. or that you can't work on making things better. or that you can't be sad. or even at times, impatient and irritable. or angry. this is not hakuna matata.

but it does mean that you can focus your inner-most thoughts on the good things, the better part of the time.

if you have a husband who loves you, be glad of it. don't constantly obsess on that he's not perfect in so many ways. he tries.

if you have a family who stands by you, be grateful for that. don't constantly bemoan that they have shortcomings and have made mistakes. or that they have the most annoying idiosyncrasies and bad habits.

if you have a world around you that offers you laughter and cheeseburgers and pie for dessert, don't zero-in on your lack of a five course meal.

if you have rain, be glad that you have an umbrella.

if you drop the ball, pick it up, throw it back, and try to catch the next one.

if you have snow, be glad that you have a snow shovel and an unbroken back.

if someone shows you a bug or a slimy snake, don't run away and scream, overcome your fear and touch it. (except for turtles, if someone shows you a turtle, run. like the wind.)

if you have a house to live in and food to eat, a job and transportation to get you where you're going, don't look down on people who don't. even if they are smoking a cigarette.

if you have people who have hurt you to the core, don't retaliate or dwell on it, maybe someday, they'll say they are sorry. or maybe not. but if they never do, realize that's got nothing to do with you and the kind of person you are. and it has everything to do with the kind of person they are. but even so, just be glad that you are not them and don't hate them for it. hate changes nothing for the better.

if someone throws out an insult to you, smile and take it. know that you are not what they say.


but most of all, if the sun is shining and you have a glass of punch in your hand, drink it up.

Drop another coin in the slot

...and i'll tell you more.

i can't help myself. i'm very drawn to silly things like tarot cards and fortune telling. intellectually, i know that all such spiritual things, really all spiritual things, are so much hokum. i do. i'm not an idiot, really. but just the same, i'm drawn to them.

i keep fortune cookie slips. visit me someday and i'll show you at least half a dozen that have never come true. i've gone to psychics, supposedly for fun, with girl friends, and i secretly wish that they were real. when i'm really bored late at night, i'll consult the online fortune tellers. (but only the free ones) hoping for some good news. some glimpse at the future that will make me happy rather than sad.

so, it's no wonder that when my son's family and i visited an arcade to play games with the grandson, while on vacation, i gravitated towards the fortune teller machine in the arcade (rather like the one in the movie, big) and i begged a quarter off my son to get my fortune. (i happened to have no quarters of my own at the moment.)

and these are "Grandmother's Prophesies"

LOVE

Oh Speed on, speed on my little dove
Carry a message to the one I love
Tho a cruel fate has us two parted
I know that the future has in store
Greater happiness for ever more.

When that long awaited letter finally comes, no words will be able to describe the joy that will be yours. Since you are so clever in so many ways, you have learned to make the best of things. Your life as a result is not spoiled by the curse of boredome. (that's how grandmother spelled it.) You are fond of gay music, and like to dance. You are an impulsive person, given to exclaim in ecstasy if things please you.

Drop another Coin in slot and I will tell you more.

Well, and I had no other coin to drop in the slot, having had to bum the first one. so who knows what malarkey old grandmother would tell me next. for a brief moment, i contemplated asking my son for another quarter, but embarrassment, plus the desire to watch the grandchild play his games, held me back. so i stuffed the card in my pocket and walked away from grandmother. laughing at myself for being so silly.

and then i forgot all about it. until tonight, i reach in the pocket of my jeans and there the stupid thing is. an i think, "if ONLY, i'd had another quarter to drop in the slot." (-:

but then i think that it's just as well, there is really no sense in believing in anything spiritual. all of it just elevates your hopes falsely. and you have to come crashing back down to earth again. and realize you live in a real and concrete world, that simply plods along with no rhyme or reason, good fortune and bad, intermingled for no real reasons whatsoever. there's no fate. there's no fairy tale happy ever after.

there's only just some old grandmother wanting you to drop another quarter in the slot.