i won't be home for christmas

well and of course, i am not home. home is not here. this is where my mother lives, and where my son lives, and where i used to live, until recently. but THIS is not my home.

they say "home is where your heart is." and well, let's just face it- for a very long long time, here has not been where my heart was. i'm not sure exactly where my heart or my home were exactly, but i do know they weren't here. and

it sure seems that i stayed here an awfully long time for not feeling at all at home.

here i was unhappy. and grumpy. and sad. and lost. and i felt alone. even in a crowd. or maybe, especially in the "crowds" here.

and now that i've moved away- even while i've spent maybe about the same amount of time alone- i don't really feel alone there. i don't feel lonely really. i just feel content or something.

but you know what? i find that i don't smile as much there. you know why? not because i'm not happier, but because i am happier. in that i don't feel like i have to fake being happy all the time. i can just be.

on the way here this morning, while driving, i turned on the radio. and the usual cacaphony of christmas carols popped up. and well, there are actually some that i like- so i left it on. and i suddenly found myself singing along to "i'll be home for christmas..."

and i started thinking about that "home" to this person was with the person he loved and with the person who loved him. and i suppose a lot of people can relate to that. and that's why the song is a popular classic. but me, i can't relate to this at all. i don't have this. and what's more, i have no dreams of it anymore. those dreams are dead.

and it seems i'm ok with that now. i'll just be. and i won't be home for christmas.