my showing slip

so yeah. ok, last post was the antithesis of what i want these posts to be. i do NOT want to dwell on the past. not here and not anywhere. but oops, i was caught with my slip showing. and while maybe it wasn't actually a dwelling on past, but i was a dabbling in it. and i'm sorry.

because it really wasn't the intent of the post. it sort of slipped out of my brain. as often, things do. but the post really and truly was to say that i'm pretty thankful for quite a lot lately.

i guess it's just that i'm a pretty flawed human being. sometimes people make me mad. sometimes i can't forgive things or people. sometimes, i don't make my bed. sometimes i get jealous of people. sometimes it gets my goat when people who don't deserve things, have them.

but that flawed person is really not who i want to be. i want to be perfect. i don't ever want my slip to show.

so a friend told me the other day, this thought: she said she read that when we are jealous of people we should stop and think that we are comparing our everyday lives with their highlight reels.

i don't know. i don't really think i think that. i really do think there are people that have it all. and all of their lives are pretty great. and i want to be one of those people, and i also want to be a kind, gracious, loving, forgiving, and generous person. i want to have and be it all.

but damn it. it's not true. and my slip shows.

something else i've heard said is that if everyone were to put their problems into a common pot and then told that they had to choose a problem to take back out of the kettle, that they'd certainly reach back in and take their own back. that your own problems are preferable to everyone else's. and yours? they aren't really that bad. relatively.

well duh. problems are relative. i was sad because i had no shoes, until i met a guy with no feet. that kind of thing. white people's problems and such.

but on the other hand, there are lots of things that people call problems that i'd really trade mine for. so i don't know.

people also say that you'll be happy if only you are just content with what you have, instead of wishing for what you don't have.

but you know what? how are you happy if you don't have all the basics in life? and waht are basics?

is love a basic? or is it a frill? and what kind of love are you talking about? familial love? physical love? the love of a friend? romantic love? which one of those is or which ones of these are actual needs- if love is a need?

i don't know. i don't know much. my slip shows.

and i don't like it.