Less is more

i don't want you to be jealous or anything, but right now this morning- i am enjoying a small vacation. i have the day off from my retirement job.

see, here are some things i like best about vacations:

1. being in a hotel where you don't have to worry about cleaning or picking up after yourself- and well, this apartment is just the right size and efficient and hardly anything ever gets messed up ever in the first place. the bed is made, the dishes are done, everything is already in place. so, check.

2. sleeping in as late as you want. - well, i have the day off today, so, check.

3. being at leisure to not have to run around a thousand places if you don't want to. - well, here i am, sitting on the patio in the pleasantly warm sunshine, having some yogurt and granola for a late breakfast and up until now, reading a book. and later, i might just go for a bike ride. that's all the plans i have. check!

4. not having to talk to anyone you don't want to. i talked on the phone to a great old friend this morning, other than that no one is crossing my path. check.

really, it's a little vacation. that is basically free. that's the best part. i didn't have to pay to fly here or for a hotel. the birds are singing and the sky is blue. i can see the pool from where i sit. check. check. check. check.

really, the only thing i'm missing right now is the room service that would bring me a mimosa.

really, this semi-retirement is the best thing ever. i may make a whole lot less money now, but seriously! LESS is absolutely more from where i'm sitting!

and the even better part of this is that i'm not having to worry about a billion things to attend to when i get back! i can just mosey into work at 9:30 tomorrow morning, do my job while i'm there and then come back home. no STRESS!

what do you do with the mad that you feel?

i've been a bit disheartened lately. i'm disgusted by the nra's continued stranglehold on congress, which caused them to reject universal background checks on gun buyers. i'm disgusted by my state legislature voting for school vouchers that will rob precious resources from our public schools. i could list a few other aggravations but these two things are the major source of my disgruntlement right now.

ok, that word is not strong enough. anger is what i really mean. i've been a lot angry.

anyway, it was good for me to visit with my son and his family this weekend. my grandson was just delightful to hang with. the best story of the weekend, was his encounter with a paper towel dispenser in a public bathroom. i'd tell you the story, but i'm guessing it would lose something in the translation. just know it provided us all with quite a laugh.

a laugh i much needed because i'd been so angry. anyway, i was thinking about that while driving on my way home. i was also listening to npr which has it's fund raising pitch on. and they were telling about fred rogers (of the neighborhood) going to testify in washington a long time ago. and the story told of him citing to congress a song that he'd written about anger. dealing with anger. he cited it as he was telling of his great concern about the messages that our children were hearing on tv and radio. and how he felt his show on pbs could (and was) making a difference in helping children be able to have control over themselves. because you know? everything starts with children, really.

anyway, it's a great little song. it made me feel better. i highly recommend it. because quite frankly, i do sometimes wonder what to do with all the mad.

here are the lyrics.

What do you do with the mad that you feel
When you feel so mad you could bite?
When the whole wide world seems oh, so wrong...
And nothing you do seems very right?

What do you do? Do you punch a bag?
Do you pound some clay or some dough?
Do you round up friends for a game of tag?
Or see how fast you go?

It's great to be able to stop
When you've planned a thing that's wrong,
And be able to do something else instead
And think this song:

I can stop when I want to
Can stop when I wish.
I can stop, stop, stop any time.
And what a good feeling to feel like this
And know that the feeling is really mine.
Know that there's something deep inside
That helps us become what we can.
For a girl can be someday a lady
And a boy can be someday a man.

disgustion

i just coined a new word. disgustion.

it's a word you can use when you're both very tired and extremely disgusted. as in, "i'm not suffering from exhaustion, i'm suffering from disgustion."

which i am. i'm very tired right now. i'm also very disgusted with some people right now. i'm in a state of digustion.

and not that it has anything to do with my disgustion, but i'm just kind of wondering what in the hell kind of people would hire a woman to dress up in a silver-lame' spacesuit in order to motivate people.

but even more mystifying to me is that some people actually were motivated and inspired by the woman in the silver lame' pantsuit/spacesuit. so i don't know; i might be a little disgusted about that.

what's wrong with people?

lighten up

that was for me. i do need to remind myself to do that occasionally. i just get too darn serious. and too wrapped up in my own little brain.

and it's important for me to talk about the things that are good. or things that i like.

so here from the sofa where i am perched, i'm going to look around and tell you about all the good things that are sitting around me.

well, there are my thriving tomato and sunflower plants. that sadly, i still can't safely leave outside yet. so they are sitting with the revived (yeah) geranium plant on the fireplace "stoop." (or whatever you call the brickish floor in front of the fireplace.)

there is the fireplace. which i like a whole lot.

there are my little flowers made out of paper in a pottery pitcher sitting on the dining room table.

there is my little bendable man sculpture.

there are my pictures of things from japan.

there is a picture of my grandson. pictures of my son and daughter in law. pictures of my daughter and her soon to be husband.

there's my funky beat up old coffee table that grew up in my father's family.

there is the little basket and candle that my nieces gave me. there's a picture that my mother needlepointed.

there's my wine cabinet.

there's my bicycle. yes, it's in the house for now.

there are my bar stools. at the bar.

there's my big old comfy chair that i like to sit and read in. with ottoman.

there's my big floor vase with decorative sticks in it.

there's a toy cable car from San Francisco.

there are my little blue swedish horses.

there is my very organized stuff closet.

there is my balcony with my cute little bistro table and chairs sitting on it.

and the best part? everywhere i look, there's really no clutter. everything has a place and is in it's place.

everywhere i look, all is good. how can i not lighten up?

voices in our heads

as i start this post, i want to make a disclaimer. i am not schizophrenic. i have that on good authority. i have been identified as being depressed at one point in my life. and i've been identified as having suffered an anxiety disorder. but neither of those are current with me, and again, i am NOT schizophrenic.

clear on that? (-: i'm good with what's real and what's not real. i can distinguish. (-: anyway, i came home from work today and read an email from someone with news that was a bit jarring to me. the news was a bit scary, really. and before i could read the end of the email, where i was assured that all was ok and resolved in the situation that the email was describing, i "heard" a "voice" saying "read to the end, idiot, if things were really amiss, someone would have called you."

to which i answered "duh." and then i read to the end of the email, where in fact, i was assured that the situation had been resolved, and everyone i knew was fine and safe.

i thought no more about it. and went on to peruse my other emails, texts, and fb stuff, as i often do when i get home from work. so. ok. then on my fb, i came across someone's posting of a ted talk. (and yes, we've talked about my thoughts on ted talks. but as i said, i don't think all of them are bad and quite honestly, my problem with them has more to do with who the ted members are that are picking out the content. but that doesn't mean all the content is bad. and hey, it's not like i was going to watch Fox News or something, right? so i watched the clip.)

and it was given by a woman who had been diagnosed with schizophrenia and she told about hearing voices. which made me laugh, because i'd just "heard" my own voice. sort of.

here's the thing- although i've experienced this in my life many a time, and i have called them voices; they are not really voices. as in i can't really hear them. but it's not like i read them either. i guess i actually just think them. sort of. and i suppose they are not so really much different than my regular thoughts except in that they come at moments of my life when i'm really upset, and they CUT IN to my other thoughts and shove the rest out of the way. and they are loud. and could almost be described as intrusive.

i know that makes no sense saying loud in that i just said i don't hear them. but i just don't have a word for what they do. so the best i can come up with is either clear or loud or bolded.

and in fact, that is what i used to always call them to myself. they are "clear thoughts"

the very first time i remember experiencing one of these was one time when i was around 12, my best friend and i were sitting on my stoop, yakking away about something important like who was going with whom. and we heard a scream, and looked up to see a little girl,about an eighth of a block down the street, being struck by a car. and the "voice" in my head said, "RUN!" and i ran towards the little girl to help her. my friend and i later laughed about the incident because she said her voice told her to run too, but in the other direction, as she didn't think she could handle blood or any injury she might see.

i've "heard" my clear thoughts at other times in my life too. and i suppose they are really only a very small part of my brain with some little sense in it breaking through amongst the rest of the clutter that is always in my head. examples- "this guy is playing you." "this person is lying to you." "this is bullshit."

but they aren't always that short or brief in message either. sometimes there are full paragraphs or more of "message."

and i admit it, there are times when i've wondered, "are these like the voices that people with schizophrenia hear? because they are so distinctly strange. like someone else is saying them or something. but again, i don't really think they are voices. because again, i Don't really hear them. and i don't "read" them with my mind's eye. i think them. but i guess i think them in some kind of bold or something.

now, here's the thing to really wonder about. are they always right? some of them such as "run" are subjective. who can say it was a smart thing to run towards the scene of an accident. that may be the dumbest thing you can do in some circumstances, i suppose. but for a little girl lying in the street, waiting for help, it seems right.

and another thing i think about is that i don't always listen to them. i have at times talked myself out of them. as in one particular time they said "he is lying." and i talked myself out of that, because all the other evidence suggested that the person in question was not. and still to this day, i don't know for certain if he was actually lying. but i'll tell ya, i do still strongly think that he was. even while i was so offended and hurt by that he would lie to me, that i figured he may as well have been telling the hard truth.

so much for these "clear thoughts" i guess. it seems sometimes they are distinctly unclear.

slices of pi

i may have told you at some point about how taken i was with the novel "the life of pi." and how i was very confused about the tooth in the tree on the island.

well, last night on finally seeing the movie version, that was finally cleared up for me. and i feel like "duh. why didn't i get that? i got that the island was carnivorous, but i somehow didn't get the tooth thing."

anyway, i know that there has been lots of speculation on what the purpose of the book was. to me, i felt it showed that man sometimes has the need to create a religion for himself so that he can cope with life's events. i rejected the "stated" purpose as it being a story that would make you believe in god and thought of it more as a reason for people making up gods to help them understand and deal with the cruel events of life.

the movie, while some different than the book, is breathtaking. the visual work is magical and extraordinary, i think. what they did with the storm and the island was stunning.

but here's what mightly surprised me when i watched the movie. somehow i missed completely in the book's animal version of pi's survival----- that richard parker just "disappears" at the end of the traumatic journey." i HONESTLY thought he had died. yes, i got that he wandered into the forest at the end. but somehow i read that as -that he died, even while i did understand the meaning of him not looking back. but i now can't figure out how i interpreted it or misread it as that he actually died.

i wanted to go back and read at least that part of the book, but alas, i'd given the book away to one of my son's friends and i didn't get it back. if i had, it might have been one of the very few books that survived my belongings purge awhile ago. anyway, since i couldn't reread, i went to the internet. and yes, richard parker doesn't die. and it is a big deal his not looking back. because it shows that even while richard parker owed his life to pi, he wasn't grateful or loyal. he just says "yeah ok" and moves on.

anyway, now i understand it that while pi was disconsolate over richard parker leaving without ceremony, that it was essential to convey that he no longer needed the richard parker part of him to survive. and that it needed to be wrenched from him with what seemed like another cruelty at the time. it was the book's way of shwoing that life was going to go back to "normal" and that he no longer required the animalistic part of his being to live, even while he realized that it had been an essential part of him that he had to depend on to the point where he accepted and even grown to love it for keeping him alive. and so maybe i just thought when i read the story that the richard parker part of him needed to die now. i didn't want any of the ugly part of him to live. i don't know.

and all of this pondering is highlighted to me as i ponder the whole boston bombing thing. i'm doubting now that we'll ever hear the younger brother's story. sounds to me like if he survives, he might be brain-damaged. too much so to communicate. and i am disconcerted by that, because what i want to believe about this whole thing is that the older brother was the mastermind and that the younger brother was unduly influenced by him or even forced by him to "play along." i want him to recover and to say that. why do i want to believe that? i don't know that either.

is it just that i still want to believe that evil dies and that good survives? am i still seeking a religion of some kind that makes things make sense in the end? i still want to believe in karma even-ing things out. give me some disney, damn it?

i cringe a lot though at the people that wanted the newtown shooter dead. and people that want the younger bomber dead. i really don't want a zero tolerance type of world. i don't really hate the newtown shooter. i think he was batshit crazy and he had an even more batshit mother. and you can't really blame the batshit crazy. put them behind bars for our safety, yes. but blame them for being batshit and executing them, no. i do however think the people who vote to continue to allow guns to be as readily available to these kinds of people as the scum of the earth and it wouldn't bother me if they dropped dead. to me they are the bigger villains in these stories. they are the ones i want to die.

see, there are even evil parts in me that i would like to die. the part of me that wants some politicians to drop dead and the person that broke my heart and left me for dead, to suffer. i freely admit that i want this. and i know those parts of me aren't at all in keeping with me being a loving and caring person. that i want to be.

and so i marvel in the end that pi solves the issue for himself and puts all of his grief behind him with a story that makes it all make sense to him and allows him to cope. he deals with the death of his mother by putting her death in the hands of evil and then he avenges her death by killing her killer with a greater and more powerful evil. that he later has to tame in order to continue to survive. he has to allow it to live in order to conquer it. and it has to still be out there somewhere in order for it to stay conquered.

and maybe that's what i need. a way to conquer the evil in me.

so perhaps what i've missed is just what i missed in the story. that evil is not something that you can expect to die, but that you can learn to conquer. in order for survival.

you have to know the end.

so here i am. home from work and i came home and flipped the tv on to look for weather. because there is a storm coming. and in my search for weather because honestly, i know the channel for Comedy Central so i can watch jon stewart and steve colbert and i know the home and garden channel, but that's it. so somehow for a brief moment i landed on "the talk." you know- all those women celebrities that sit around and talk about stuff. just like they know a lot about stuff. probably not something i'd ever watch again, but the topic of the moment stopped me.

they were posing the question of whether or not long distance relationships could last. and most of the cw came down on the side of "no." but then one of them (and i've got no idea who she was because i don't know my celebrities, it seems) said "yes, they can."

which started the argument. but then they came to the consensus that they can, but you have to have the end in sight. you have to agree on what's going to happen and know that you'll be together in the end. because otherwise it's too hard.

hmm. i thought. huh. i thought. yep. i thought.

and it occurs to me that in addition to this being true for relationships, it's true for all tough times. and for pain. it's only tolerable WHEN you know that it's going to end.

my daughter told me that during the huge earthquake in japan, the worst part of it was that it seemed to go on and on. and you didn't know when it was going to stop.

when you have a baby, it's pretty painful, but it becomes tolerable because you know it's going to end. plus you get a prize.

when you are depressed or heartbroken, it's hard to deal with those things, because those things seem like they will have no end. it's not surprising to me that sometimes people jump ship.

but that leads us up to the question of hope. can hope carry a person through, when he or she doesn't have certainty? and run just on hope? i don't really think so. i think you really have to know the end good or bad, because the uncertainty will just about kill you. slowly. it will eat you up. you have to know the end.

so now that i've had my ponderous thought for the day, i need to find the weather channel. to see when this storm is going to end.

guns r us

so we should all be FURIOUS today. our congress, against the wishes of 90% of the public, opted against mild gun control measures. we should be disgusted and outraged. we should be sickened.

and well, most of us are. now, i should make a small disclaimer here. i don't believe in polls, really. i think public opinion polls are stupid. and while they are occasionally fun or interesting, they have little to no place in policy decisions. because here's the thing- it doesn't matter whether or not only 1 percent of the public wanted gun control. all those little first graders are dead. and a whole lot of other little children have been terrorized.
and we elect our legislators to make wise decisions in the interests of the public, whether we are smart about anything or not, or whether something is popular or not.

because here's the other thing- there is NO excuse for voting against background checks on those who wish to have guns. NO EXCUSE ON THIS EARTH. and we all need to work to have every last one of those senators who voted this down- out of office.

because instead of thinking about those innocent little 1st graders and their broken families, instead our senators today voted that our country's name be changed to - "guns r us."

i am livid about this.

so while we're talking about guns and anger- let's talk about boston. i'm just waiting for some gun rights nutjob to say "look, here was terror without guns- the problem isn't guns- the problem is people." to which i will answer, "YES! the problem IS PEOPLE! DUH! SO WHY AREN'T WE GOING TO BE SELECTIVE ABOUT WHICH PEOPLE WE ALLOW TO PURCHASE GUNS???!"

and the next argument will come saying "but the criminals won't follow laws, so why make them?" well, hmm. you know- criminals might not stop at stoplights either, but do you think we not have stoplights? or do you think maybe we should keep them and then attempt to arrest those who run them?

i'm so angry. maybe we need to start a new country. one that isn't run by asses r us.

around the world in less than 8 hours.

let's see. today i've been traveling the world. ok. on tv. it seems everytime i've had a few minutes today, i've turned on the tv to catch a part of an episode of "house hunters international." and here's the funniest thing. i've actually really been to everywhere they've been today.

i've been to tokyo. i've been to copenhagen. i've been to helsinki. i've been to San Francisco.

oh wait. i lied. i forgot. i saw them go to london today too. i've never been to london. but i might. someday.

oh and wait again. right before i was heading out the door earlier today, they were going to paris. i didn't stay to watch it, and i've never been there either. and i'll never go there. if i can help it.

i do wish they'd go to spain. i do wish i'd go to spain. that's somewhere i really really want to go. really and actually. not just via the tv.

let's see. where else do i want to go that i've never been? i want to go to South America. some parts of it anyway. i want to go to New Orleans. i want to go to montreal. crete, maybe? amsterdam. oh and you know? i'd rather like to go to moscow.

i better start saving my money. oh and i better hope i live a long time. or that they make airfare a lot cheaper.

ideas worth spreading

so ok. i don't want to talk about boston tonight. it's too soon. i've not digested it. and i can't think of anything coherent to say about it. it just makes me sad.

so instead i will talk about what i thought was something peculiar to just me. and it's that i hate these ted talk things.

who knew? apparently there are others out there who hate them too. i'm not alone. i looked it up on the internet and lo and behold lots of other people hate ted talks too. huh. for much more valid reasons than me.

so yeah, all my reasons for hating the ted talks are likely sophomoric. in fact, the orignial reason i was suspicious of them was because of my hatred of bill gates. and if he's involved in it, sorry- i'm out. because of all the damage he's done to public education and the subsequent harm he's done to children.

so ted and i, we started on a bad note. because bill gates was involved.

but i tried. i really did try to listen to a great many of these talks. and i can't really say that i've hated all of them. but let's just say, i've hated a whole lot of them. ideas worth spreading. like manure.

which, yes, shit's a fertilizer and a damn good one at that. but i hate the whoel gatekeeperyness of it all. who are these teddy bears who decide what's an idea worth spreading and what is not?

well go to their webpage and take a look at some of the ridiculous titles these people give themselves: futurist, marketing guru, creativity expert..... and oh, my personal favorite - "connector extraordinaire."

w t f? yes, many or most of these people are smart. smarter than me, i'm sure. but seriously? these names?

even the fact that the whole group calls themselves a brain trust. meg ryan, she is part of this brain trust. and what the hell did she do to her lips, anyway?

but anyway. if you give yourself titles such as these, unless you're joking because you're making fun of something- as in my friend max calling himself the publications czar mimicing the recently appointed back in the 70's energy czar, you know what you ARE? YOU ARE PRETENTIOUS!!!

and perhaps that's my whole problem with all of this- the pretentiousness. the yuppiness. i just can't abide it. i can't stand it.

Think. Debate. Exchange. that's what ted supposedly stands for. as if we needed another cute, catchy, cheesy acronym in this world.

oh and i don't know. and yes, i know that i shouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater. i might actually be the only person you know that actually really loves to attend lectures. but for pete's sake. . ted makes me want to kick puppies.

no, not really. i like puppies. i just don't like ted.

some people

so hold onto your hats here. i've got something to say. or rather, i've got a lot to say. much to cover in one little writing, but it all ties together in my head, so onto this screen, it must all weave together.

first. if you don't like the idea of gay marriage, then i'll thank you to just jump right off this page right now. we don't need your kind here. we don't need your kind anywhere, as far as i am concerned.

before i elaborate though, let me start with a quote from Winnie the Pooh. "Some people care too much, i think it's called love."

so two people, they fall in love, they care too much about each other. they care so very much too much about each other, they want to make sure that the other is taken care of, always. they want to vow that. commit to that. put their money where their mouths are to that. so they get married.

now for all you "you're thumbs must be sore from thumping your bibles" people that say that marriage must be between a man and a woman and that this is true, because your thoroughly-thumped bible tells you so, let me say this, "NO ONE IS SAYING THAT YOUR DISCRIMINATING, NEANDERTHAL CHURCH CAN'T JUST KEEP RIGHT ON DISCRIMINATING FOREVER AND EVER TELLING YOUR FOLK THAT NO ONE THAT SEES IT DIFFERENTLY CAN HAVE A WEDDING IN YOUR CHURCH. a wedding is NOT the same thing as a marriage. a church wedding is a nice (usually) ceremony where your religious leader says "WE bless this marriage." the marriage is a legal tying of knots to bind people who care "too much" about each other to let the other one have to wonder and worry if they'll always be taken care of.

get it? two separate things. so, again, if you don't like the idea of gay marriage, unless you are a legislator of some sort (in which case you ought to stay and listen) just go on about your merry (may i say, gay?) way. there is nothing to see here, except what you've already seen. and that's that i think you're an idiot. no wait. make that "i think you're a mean, discriminating idiot."

so ok. now you're perhaps thinking. "well, mbb must be lesbian. elst she wouldn't get so fired up about this." and you'd be wrong. i'm as hetero, as they come. can't help it, i was BORN THAT WAY! as all the gay people in the world were born THAT OTHER WAY. so i just think though that if two people, however they were born, want to care about each other too much, well then we should let them. simple as that.

now here is my very "favortist" argument against gay marriage - "but if we let two same-sexed people marry, what will be next?" and they either follow that with something along the lines of beastiality. in which case, i'd ask them to tell me how their silly sheep is going to sign the papers with their clumsy hooves, or indicate agreement, in any other way. or they say "don't you have to allow bigamy then to be fair (because we are "all about fairness" here. ha ha.) to which i will say, "yeah, no, you don't have to allow any such thing. why not? because you don't have to is why not. it's perfectly fair to just say that marriage is between any two consenting adults and to leave it at that. so just shut up about your issue of numbers. it's a stupid argument. and i won't listen to it."

so now, let's just talk about what marriage is, beyond all that. and why i'm just plain in favor of it for people in general if they care too much about each other. lest you tell me "it's just a piece of paper and our love is so strong, we don't need a piece of paper to know that our committment to each other is there." to that i say "if it's just a piece of paper, then why not sign it? so that the other person doesn't have to secretly wonder if you care too much or not -because you wouldn't sign it. go ahead, put all the prenup junk in there you want to, if you're that kind of worried about your children's claim on your fortune or your own selfishness, but at least sign something that says "i definitively don't want you to worry if i can help it. i love you THAT MUCH. i love you TOO MUCH!"

now, it might sound funny that a divorce person like myself is so adamant about such things. there's that old tired argument of "well, your piece of paper and your vow certainly meant nothing to you." to which i'd claim, "no, you're wrong. that piece of paper meant that "i would be fair to "you" even if i wind up hating you with the strength of a thousand hates and i won't be able to see my way clear to do that at the moment."

you know there was a man that i hoped to marry some time back. you hear me whine and moan about that heartbreak in my life with regularity here. (sorry, you are still my wailing wall.) and you hear me analyze that still from time to time. and sometimes i try to sum it up for myself. and basically, right now, what it all boils down to was that there was a time in my life, when because of the circumstances that were bubbling in the cauldron that is my life, i NEEDED to hear and see and taste, and touch "i will commit to always take care of you." and he could not see his way to do that. instead he took my inarticulate pleas for that and used them against me saying (in so many words) "yeah, no, i just don't love you "that much." he even tried to tell me because i was anxious, that i didn't care about his children and that i was evil and stuff. and that i didn't care about him or i'd understand.

and now, with some years behind my belt, i claim outright "that's just XXXXXXXX bullshit. your problem (YES, YOUR PROBLEM) was that you didn't love me too much. i don't care how much or what else you gave me, you didn't love me too much."

now don't think it doesn't gall me to no end that he's married now. to someone else, obviously. don't think that i don't hate him for that with a thousand hates. or hate her with a thousand hates, as well. simply because i can and do. because let's face it i'm jealous as all hell. he apparently loved her and not me, too much.

so did i add this part about him in here just to whine once again? yes and no. yes, it always makes me feel better to whine. but i added it for another reason too. and that is this. his one sister is gay. and well, one time i asked him if she was active in fighting for gay rights. and he answered "well, no, not really." and i said "why not? because i sure would be if i were gay." and he said "well basically, it boils down to for them (she and her partner) that they just want to live their lives and not have to be fighting all the time."

and i can see the logic in that. i can also feel the feeling of that. but still, i really could just never take that attitude myself. it's like saying "i'm going to let the world treat me as if my feelings of loving too much do not matter. my own love is secure to withstand that."

and while i admire that ability to be that secure, at the same time, i think i just think that i'd feel "how DARE "they?" "how DARE ANYONE TELL ME THAT I (or anyone else like me) DON'T LOVE TOO MUCH?!!!"

some people.

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, look

trendy speech amuses me. you know. one day you hear someone use a certain expression and you remark to yourself "hmm, i've not heard that before or lately." then the very next day, everyone and their sister's cousin is using the expression.

"groovy" "here's the thing" "sweet" "yolo" "dude"

the one that amuses me the most lately is how everyone prefaces an argument or statement they want you to hear with "Look."

when they really want you to listen, instead they say "look." and mostly they use it when they are certain they are right about something and they think you need to hear why. as in "look here, look at me so you can read my lips if you can't hear me, you idiot. my arguments about this issue are sliced bread with jam. and if you don't get it, well then you're dumber than you look."

look.

and then there is "the five yeahs." nobody just says "yes" or "uh-huh" anymore lately. they say "yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah." it's funny. i mean, i didn't ask you the question five times. you think your positive affirmation of what i ask warrants 5 answers?

i guess it's not so bad though. i mean, think how goofy it would be if the answer was "no" and everyone said "no-no, no-no, no" all the time.

wonder if that will be then next big thing?

gestalted

way back in some entry psychology course that i took, i was taught about the gestalt theory. which on a simplistic level is defined as "the whole is greater than the sum of the individual parts. there's a lot more to it, really. but that's the basic definition.

actually gestalt psychologists took this whole idea and applied it to our perceptual organization. our ability to make sense of the world as we "see" it. they note that if you have a whole lot of separate things appearing in rapid succession, it makes the appearance of movement, where there really isn't any. the illusion of motion is created. it explains cartoons. which are a series of still pictures that are flashed so quickly that you really think an anvil falls on a coyote's head.

but it also seems to me like explains how we "view" happenings in our life. one thing. then the next thing. then the next thing. may not look or feel like much taken individually, but when these things are flung at you in too rapid succession, your brain connotes the whole time period as a much bigger deal than if you simply added those three things up.

i had four major things (and a whole slew of lesser things) happen to me in a fairly rapid succession in my life. in rapid enough succession that my brain and heart couldn't process them very well anyway. one, a person very very important to me died. my mother had a heart attack. then one of my precious students died. following that someone that i mistakenly thought i could trust with my whole heart and with my feelings and fears- up and dumped me, basically exactly for having those feelings and fears.

and following that i have to say that i couldn't really tell you what happened for awhile. but basically, i had to learn to walk, talk, and feed myself all over again. all while in extreme pain. that's what it felt like anyway.

i look back on that time now and i think "really?" "really???" what the hell? what you went through was not as bad as what lots and lots and lots of people suffer in this world. why the HELL were you so crazy anyway?

but at the time, it was all just much too much too fast for me. the gestalt. the first two major events seemed quite a lot to me. the third slapped my face. the fourth one damn near killed me. and i quite honestly think that had the 4th event not happened, i would have been able to handle and process the other three much better.

which sometimes leads me to wonder if the first two really meant all that much to me or if i used them as excuses for myself falling apart later. i can't really say. i know i feel guilty as all hell when i lean towards that way of thinking. as if i used those precious people or something.

but then other times, i think well, it wasn't so much that i couldn't handle the scares and the deaths, but that i couldn't handle what those things represented to me. the first two represented that things and people that you anchor yourself with can be taken away for no good reason at any damn moment. that shook my foundation. there i was balancing on a two legged stool.

then the death of my student represented a lot of my students (working with medically fragile individuals, meant a lot of deaths) and represented the reality that life was not a all fair and there wasn't a single thing you could do about it. in fact it was down right unfair. and there i was, sitting on a one legged stool.

then, mr. itwasonlyreallyallandeveraboutme went and yanked the final leg of the stool from me.

the only thing between my ass and the ground was air. that wouldn't sustain me.

anyway, what all it all summed up to was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad time, that i had lots of trouble recovering from. i was gestalted.

i will say this though. i used to worry that the "next" thing would take me completely out of this world. i also used to worry that i didn't have the desire to take one more step in this world. but since that time, i have now suffered several more blows. the loss of a best friend. the loss of my father. the loss of two pets. the change of a job, along with the loss of some financial security. but somehow i don't feel so vulnerable anymore. i feel like a pretty solid impenatrable rock or something now. much more than i was. and certainly much more than the sum of my parts.

spring

Tolstoy said "Spring is the time of plans and projects."

i'm not sure he meant it how i used to understand that. spring, the time of planning and projects- the time of conferences and endless phone calls and mission statements, and paperwork, and arguments, and data, and objectives, of working all weekend and all evenings until the wee hours of the morning. of getting up at the crack of dawn exhausted.

i was asked how i liked my new job. i answered that i loved it.

what i love mostly about it is that it has allowed me for the first time in a hundred or so years to actually enjoy spring.

i cannot seem to make anyone really understand how draining my old job was. and in particular, it made the time that coincided with spring- a living hell. so much so, that instead of being able to drink spring in, like a person ought to be able to do, you felt like killing yourself. and taking out at least a half a dozen other people with you. all those meetings. all those planning conferences. all those tensions. all those half-deranged people to assuage.

i am not kidding you. spring was for years upon years, a virtual living hell for me. still is, for those in my former field. i feel sad for them. i truly do. because spring. real spring is actually quite nice.

in fact i was just texting one of my former colleagues/friends about all this. and she's still stuck in that living hell.

her answer? "bitch"

so spring for me is no longer the time of plans and projects. it's the time of sitting back and breathing in warm air mingled with the smell of coffee. of pumping up the tires on my bike. of taking time to spy on little spring flowers peeking up through the grass at me while i'm out on a hike.

it's lazy and sweet. and darn near lovely.

criminal offense

"to make others less happy is a crime." said the just now deceased roger ebert.

ain't it so?

green beans on wheels

sometimes when my brain is on overload, i become immobile. i've become so today.

yes, i will go into work in a bit. but right up until then, the sum total of my accomplishments today will be "nada."

why am i so stuck? because i finished the book i was reading this morning. very early in the morning. like shortly after 5 o'clock early.

not that i was up all night. i wasn't. but i happened to wake up this morning just before 5, and i was so close to the end and i had the time and i was awake, so i finished it.

and there are so many thoughts whirling around in my head because of it, i guess in order to keep from spinning completely out of control, the rest of my body just slowed down to a standstill. all the errands and duties i had in mind to accomplish today went out the window. i'm vegetative.

so ok. i'm not exactly completely paralyzed. i am going to work soon. i have showered i have had something to eat. and i watered my plants. and i've turned on the tv. and i've read some facebook stuff and some emails.

and i've stared out the window. quite a lot. somehow that seems like doing something. and as i was staring out the window, i see a big old van with the words GREEN BEAN DELIVERY driving by.

Apparently there is an organic food delivery service here. i guess for a fee, you can have food, that is grown without pesticides and bad things, delivered right to your door.

now you know i hate green beans. they are the sole vegetable that i don't like. and they are driving by my apt. while i stand still and contemplate some mixed up and even disturbing thoughts about life. and things in life.

and it seems like a sign, somehow. that truck driving by right then. it seems like it should mean something.

but i'm not sure what. maybe it was a cosmic joke that was meant to make me laugh. maybe it means i shouldn't let my thoughts get to me too much. maybe it was meant to jar me into moving my ass away from the window.

but most likely it just means that i have some trendy yuppie neighbor who is too lazy to go to the grocery store to gather the ingredients for her vegetable smoothie.

i know from the past, that work and the enforced mobility of that, will jog me out of my immobility. i'll put away and bury the thoughts that rendered me motionless this morning. i will become engaged with concerns other than my own measly understanding of the world. what gets in motion then tends to stay in motion. it's a law. at least for awhile.

and while i get rolling again, it's interesting to note that the greenbeans and all the other vegetables will be rolling around the city as well.