voices in our heads

as i start this post, i want to make a disclaimer. i am not schizophrenic. i have that on good authority. i have been identified as being depressed at one point in my life. and i've been identified as having suffered an anxiety disorder. but neither of those are current with me, and again, i am NOT schizophrenic.

clear on that? (-: i'm good with what's real and what's not real. i can distinguish. (-: anyway, i came home from work today and read an email from someone with news that was a bit jarring to me. the news was a bit scary, really. and before i could read the end of the email, where i was assured that all was ok and resolved in the situation that the email was describing, i "heard" a "voice" saying "read to the end, idiot, if things were really amiss, someone would have called you."

to which i answered "duh." and then i read to the end of the email, where in fact, i was assured that the situation had been resolved, and everyone i knew was fine and safe.

i thought no more about it. and went on to peruse my other emails, texts, and fb stuff, as i often do when i get home from work. so. ok. then on my fb, i came across someone's posting of a ted talk. (and yes, we've talked about my thoughts on ted talks. but as i said, i don't think all of them are bad and quite honestly, my problem with them has more to do with who the ted members are that are picking out the content. but that doesn't mean all the content is bad. and hey, it's not like i was going to watch Fox News or something, right? so i watched the clip.)

and it was given by a woman who had been diagnosed with schizophrenia and she told about hearing voices. which made me laugh, because i'd just "heard" my own voice. sort of.

here's the thing- although i've experienced this in my life many a time, and i have called them voices; they are not really voices. as in i can't really hear them. but it's not like i read them either. i guess i actually just think them. sort of. and i suppose they are not so really much different than my regular thoughts except in that they come at moments of my life when i'm really upset, and they CUT IN to my other thoughts and shove the rest out of the way. and they are loud. and could almost be described as intrusive.

i know that makes no sense saying loud in that i just said i don't hear them. but i just don't have a word for what they do. so the best i can come up with is either clear or loud or bolded.

and in fact, that is what i used to always call them to myself. they are "clear thoughts"

the very first time i remember experiencing one of these was one time when i was around 12, my best friend and i were sitting on my stoop, yakking away about something important like who was going with whom. and we heard a scream, and looked up to see a little girl,about an eighth of a block down the street, being struck by a car. and the "voice" in my head said, "RUN!" and i ran towards the little girl to help her. my friend and i later laughed about the incident because she said her voice told her to run too, but in the other direction, as she didn't think she could handle blood or any injury she might see.

i've "heard" my clear thoughts at other times in my life too. and i suppose they are really only a very small part of my brain with some little sense in it breaking through amongst the rest of the clutter that is always in my head. examples- "this guy is playing you." "this person is lying to you." "this is bullshit."

but they aren't always that short or brief in message either. sometimes there are full paragraphs or more of "message."

and i admit it, there are times when i've wondered, "are these like the voices that people with schizophrenia hear? because they are so distinctly strange. like someone else is saying them or something. but again, i don't really think they are voices. because again, i Don't really hear them. and i don't "read" them with my mind's eye. i think them. but i guess i think them in some kind of bold or something.

now, here's the thing to really wonder about. are they always right? some of them such as "run" are subjective. who can say it was a smart thing to run towards the scene of an accident. that may be the dumbest thing you can do in some circumstances, i suppose. but for a little girl lying in the street, waiting for help, it seems right.

and another thing i think about is that i don't always listen to them. i have at times talked myself out of them. as in one particular time they said "he is lying." and i talked myself out of that, because all the other evidence suggested that the person in question was not. and still to this day, i don't know for certain if he was actually lying. but i'll tell ya, i do still strongly think that he was. even while i was so offended and hurt by that he would lie to me, that i figured he may as well have been telling the hard truth.

so much for these "clear thoughts" i guess. it seems sometimes they are distinctly unclear.