gestalted

way back in some entry psychology course that i took, i was taught about the gestalt theory. which on a simplistic level is defined as "the whole is greater than the sum of the individual parts. there's a lot more to it, really. but that's the basic definition.

actually gestalt psychologists took this whole idea and applied it to our perceptual organization. our ability to make sense of the world as we "see" it. they note that if you have a whole lot of separate things appearing in rapid succession, it makes the appearance of movement, where there really isn't any. the illusion of motion is created. it explains cartoons. which are a series of still pictures that are flashed so quickly that you really think an anvil falls on a coyote's head.

but it also seems to me like explains how we "view" happenings in our life. one thing. then the next thing. then the next thing. may not look or feel like much taken individually, but when these things are flung at you in too rapid succession, your brain connotes the whole time period as a much bigger deal than if you simply added those three things up.

i had four major things (and a whole slew of lesser things) happen to me in a fairly rapid succession in my life. in rapid enough succession that my brain and heart couldn't process them very well anyway. one, a person very very important to me died. my mother had a heart attack. then one of my precious students died. following that someone that i mistakenly thought i could trust with my whole heart and with my feelings and fears- up and dumped me, basically exactly for having those feelings and fears.

and following that i have to say that i couldn't really tell you what happened for awhile. but basically, i had to learn to walk, talk, and feed myself all over again. all while in extreme pain. that's what it felt like anyway.

i look back on that time now and i think "really?" "really???" what the hell? what you went through was not as bad as what lots and lots and lots of people suffer in this world. why the HELL were you so crazy anyway?

but at the time, it was all just much too much too fast for me. the gestalt. the first two major events seemed quite a lot to me. the third slapped my face. the fourth one damn near killed me. and i quite honestly think that had the 4th event not happened, i would have been able to handle and process the other three much better.

which sometimes leads me to wonder if the first two really meant all that much to me or if i used them as excuses for myself falling apart later. i can't really say. i know i feel guilty as all hell when i lean towards that way of thinking. as if i used those precious people or something.

but then other times, i think well, it wasn't so much that i couldn't handle the scares and the deaths, but that i couldn't handle what those things represented to me. the first two represented that things and people that you anchor yourself with can be taken away for no good reason at any damn moment. that shook my foundation. there i was balancing on a two legged stool.

then the death of my student represented a lot of my students (working with medically fragile individuals, meant a lot of deaths) and represented the reality that life was not a all fair and there wasn't a single thing you could do about it. in fact it was down right unfair. and there i was, sitting on a one legged stool.

then, mr. itwasonlyreallyallandeveraboutme went and yanked the final leg of the stool from me.

the only thing between my ass and the ground was air. that wouldn't sustain me.

anyway, what all it all summed up to was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad time, that i had lots of trouble recovering from. i was gestalted.

i will say this though. i used to worry that the "next" thing would take me completely out of this world. i also used to worry that i didn't have the desire to take one more step in this world. but since that time, i have now suffered several more blows. the loss of a best friend. the loss of my father. the loss of two pets. the change of a job, along with the loss of some financial security. but somehow i don't feel so vulnerable anymore. i feel like a pretty solid impenatrable rock or something now. much more than i was. and certainly much more than the sum of my parts.