dream, dream, dream, dream, dream

arggg.

i can't remember a span of time when i've dreamed so much. yeah, i know, most of us actually dream every night. but honestly, i rarely know i've dreamed. only when i've had a terrible nightmare. or once in a great while, i will have vivid weird dreams. but usually when i'm troubled over something, and it appears that my brain is trying to work something out that's too troubling for me to work on while i'm awake.

but i'm not particularly troubled by anything right now. no more than what i've been troubled about. which is to say that there's nothing particularly new in my life right now. so nothing new to be worked out.

i can't say i really like waking up to dreams. they alter and color my mood, on waking up. and either they are bad or sad, and they make me feel bad or sad. or they are wonderful, and then they are not true on waking up. which is disappointing. i feel haunted by them.

so i've not been terribly happy about all these dreams i'm aware of lately. even while they've not been terribly disturbing. i just do not like them.

maybe because i don't have control over them. you see, that's been the key to my feeling better in my life. i now control everything. and i let nothing into my life now that i can't control. if you can control it, it can't hurt you.

and yet, i know i really have control over nothing anyway. i really do know that. that life lesson has been beat into me. that you can be good, honest, kind, well-meaning, and earnest, and none of that counts for anything in this life. well ok, maybe somewhere it counts, but it doesn't help you secure anything or keep anything safe and sound anyway.

all you really can do is dream about that.

but then you wake up to reality.