it's the most

depressing time of the year. for a great many people. i think it's because everyone else around seems super giddy. and you're expected to be wildly super-giddy even if you don't feel that way. it's just hard to be happy when you're not.

i'm actually ok this year. certainly not giddy, i don't do giddy. but i don't want to curl up into a ball and hope that i spontaneously combust or anything. there were years like that. but i'm better now.

so as i said. i'm ok. but across facebook came an article that noted that i live in one of the top ten depressing states of the union. i can attest to that. this is a dismal, conservative, right-wing, fundamentalist nightmare of a place. that is for sure.

but at least i've now moved to a section of it, that is a bit less so. there are actually smart, interesting people to be found here amongst the bible thumpers and the fiscally conservative right wing nazis.

but after i read the article and became a bit depressed thinking about where i live, i noted that there was an article underneath that one that was a listing of the top ten depressing vocations.

and wouldn't you know it? teaching was one of them. and although they didn't go into more detail, i would suspect that teaching special education would be considered a bit more depressing than that. and i'm imagining that the job i had for years upon years where i worked with medically fragile and/or physically impaired students (and their families) who quite often up and died on me, well, i kinda think that "hmm, it's a wonder that i wasn't more depressed than i was for a time."

anyway, i am glad for my own sake that i'm now out of that job. seriously, that really became too much. i do believe that i suffered from what they call "compassion fatigue."

yesterday when i was at work, at a break, i was talking to an older co-worker. we've only known each other for a year now. and she's retired from k-12 education as well. so we have a bit in common. so, we were actually trading some stories about our families. and i was telling her a story about some of my family members. and she said, "well, i'm sure that you handled that well; you're the most easy going, happy-go-lucky person that i've ever met. nothing ever seems to rattle you. you're always always calm."

ha ha, i thought. and i guess i am that, here and now. and actually i would say that for the most part, i used to be as well. however, back when there was crisis after crisis and problem after unsolvable problem, and children up and dying and stuff, i do think that while i might have been calm on the outside, that i was bleeding profusely on the inside. i think i was bleeding out in a manner of speaking. which can make a person quite depressed.

don't they say, "anger turned inward is depression?"
and so i think i might just have been depressed on top of depressed on top of depressed.

add to that a terrible person who didn't understand, and who broke my heart to smithereens. and well, you know? it's a wonder of wonder that i'm still here, and that i lived to tell the tale.

as for this time of year, i'll still never be giddy. it's still not the most wonderful time or place of the year. but i won't and don't feel like ripping my head off when i hear christmas music anymore. and sometimes, i'll actually hum along even. and that's something.