wondering sadly

when someone i know dies- it steps up my desire to know exactly what happens to people when they die. and since a lot of the people i've known who have died have been children with severe physical disabilities, i've especially wanted to make sense of death. i just have a lot of trouble with children dying. it always feels like a slap in the face. at the very least. and well, i also had a lot of trouble with my x sister in law's death. because she left two small children. it broke my heart for them. but also, selfishly, i had no clue how much i'd miss her personally. she'd been such a support for me. that i didn't deserve.

oh but anyway. i think about what happens when you die a lot.

so my ex student died this morning. she was no longer a child. she was 29 years old. and although you're not supposed to have favorites, i did. and she was one of them. she was one of my favorites because often she was grumpy. i liked that about her. that she wasn't always pleased. not that she couldn't enjoy things and didn't. she did. she had things and people that made her happy. but she wasn't one to hide her displeasure if she was displeased. and well, i liked that honesty. and to me it showed a lot of awareness of the world around her, which a lot of people were not always convinced that she had. she was non-verbal. losing her speech to something called rett's syndrome. and it was frustrating because she also lost a lot of her motor skills, so finding a way to communicate with her was quite a trick. so people thought she'd lost her intellect as well. i stand not convinced of that at all.

because if you were quick, you could watch her eyes flash. and oh how they flashed. angry as all hell when she was angry. sparkling if she was happy. and if you were patient and you waited long enough, (and i'm talking like 5 full minutes or so) sometimes she could make a part of her body move to indicate something. rarely did anyone give her the time. except her family. they were awesome. and except some few educators she knew. but most wrote her off as being cognitively impaired.

anyway, of course it's very tempting to believe as her parents devoutly do, that she is now in heaven and that she is free from the limits of her body. me, i don't have that faith. it would be nice to see such a cool soul go to heaven, i think. but i don't know that i believe it.

on the other hand, often i'm quite afraid that people who die have supernatural powers of knowing how you really feel or how you mess up. i mean, i'm not very often a good person. it's not that i don't try sometimes, but even when i do try, i'm often intensely anxious and uncomfortable. a for instance, i'll work all day and smile and i'm patient with people. but inside, i'm thinking, "seriously, are you that stupid?" and i can't wait to get home, slack off and have a glass of wine. to this day, i'd rather drink a glass of wine and smoke a cigarette more than anything in this world. world peace or a cigarette and a glass of wine? i'm pretty sure i'd pick the latter. that's the kind of sick person i am. i'm critical, i'm judgmental, i'm lazy, i get frustrated. i'm sometimes less than honest. and i can hide all that from the living. but it creeps me out that possibly, i can't hide all that from the dead.
i can't hide that i'm selfish. that i'm not perfect. that i sometimes don't have a good heart. that i literally hate a few people in this world and if it were up to me, they'd die in a fiery crash and burn in a hell.

so i mentioned that this girl's parents were awesome. and they were. and kind. and smart as hell and they kept abreast of everything and anything that could help their daughter. possibly the best parents of any child i ever had. they also were very trying. i can remember often working all day coming home, dealing with home stuff all evening, finally getting around to preparing for the next day, when i'd get a phone call from the mother, telling me how upset they were about some teacher's actions or that something hadn't been done. and she'd want me to fix whatever was wrong. and i was exhausted. and i'd invariably say, "certainly, i'll take care of it." with lots of time either no idea of how to fix it or sick to my stomach about having to go confront the person involved the next day on top of the billion other things i had to do. and i'll admit it, i was often very angry inside at this mother. not that i should have been, but sometimes it was just all too much stuff being dumped on my plate.

and now, if the dead are omniscient, this x student of mine is going to know. how i was angry a lot of the time. and wow, i don't want her to know that. i don't want her to know that i'm not (and wasn't) all that.

so what do you think? do you think there is an afterlife? do you think the dead are omniscient? do you think that that there is nothing? do you wish there was nothing? do you wish there was something but that it's not like you're going to have to deal with all the people you knew in this life, but that you get a do-over of some kind?

oh anyway. what i really mean to say is that i'm rather sad tonight. this girl really was one of my very favorites. i don't really have anyone's shoulder to cry on. and so i'm selfishly sad for myself, when i should be thinking about her parents and siblings who are likely soul-sick right now. i'll try to pull it together before the viewing on sunday. and hide all my selfishness from all the living who don't read this blog.