we've covered this ground before. and so likely i'll be boring you. but whatever. i don't really care about you. (-:
as i told you last post, i had not been in a very good mood for a bit. but, i had several gatherings with old friends in the last few days. and that helped considerably. much as i hate to admit it, it helps me to process things if i socialize. even if i don't really ever talk about what i'm thinking, i gain perspective on life.
so some friends and i were out to dinner and back to one of the friends home the other night. and i'm not really even sure what brought up the conversation, but we got to discussing philosophies. and one of our group is a rather funny guy. on the surface, he seems almost simple. he never seems to think out thinks too deeply or worry to much about what other people think. but sometimes his thoughts are actually surprisingly complex for a person who usually just skims the surface of things. and he said something that i thought was quite compelling. and it prompted me to ask him the question, "so what do YOU think happens when people die?"
and it wasn't that i wanted to know the actual answer. because of course no one has the actual answer, but i was just really interested in what exactly he thought. because i thought his thoughts might be interesting and unusual. but that started the conversation of what everyone thought. and there were all manner of views about heaven etc. apparently, i'm the only one who just thinks you're nothing. or at least hopes that. and one of our group insisted that she'd had a near death experience and said that she's no longer afraid of dying- because it was so wonderful. and so then i asked, "well, ok, if you believe that, do you believe that everyone goes there, or do you think that "bad" people get punished somewhere else?
and that made one of our group burst into tears. (not too long ago, her sister had died of cancer. and her relationship with her sister had been complicated.)
at this point, we all instinctively turned the conversation back to lighter things. and i was sorry that i'd asked the questions.
so i spent the night at the one friend's house. and in the morning, we had a gals gab session about the night before. and we rehashed some of the conversations of the night and we discussed the death discussion and we both reflected that we thought it was highly unusual for this friend to "crack" and burst into tears. because this woman is perhaps the toughest, most resilient, most "get on and get over it" person anyone of us is ever likely to meet. and she's had no easy life. her father committed suicide when she was middle school aged. her mother remarried several times. she's had many a situation in her life from a young age and yet, she's always been the most grounded person we know. she never openly told me i was stupid for not getting over "the guy" but i do know she really thought that. because that's how she is. her view on it would be, "hey, he was a big old jerk to dump you, so waste no more of your life on him."
and so we were both mystified that this was the thing that our friend couldn't quite deal with with her usual even keel. not that it's not terrible to lose your sister to cancer, but why could she handle all the other stuff and not this? we did not have an answer. we were both simply glad that she has the most wonderful of husbands to help her handle it all.
and then we shared with each other some deaths that had fairly severely affected us. and that got us on to the subject of first holidays after the deaths of people you care about. and how those are really really hard. and she told me how the husband of a friend of hers who died around easter cringes at the thought of easter. or really any holiday. and she told me how her son in law can't stand christmas still because of the death of his mother. to the point where he finds it very hard to enjoy christmas with his sons. (her grandsons) and well, we resolved that we all just need to be more kind. and more understanding of people who are grieving at any time or for any reason. but that we need to be particularly kind and understanding around holidays. because they are just not times of joy for people who have a big old gaping hole in their hearts. and even the toughest of us can crack sometimes.
and why do i want to bore you with all this? because even while i'm sad that my friend is struggling, i take some comfort for myself in knowing that even the very toughest of us can crack a bit sometimes. because i've always felt like such an idiot. and it makes me feel better to just know i have friends that can help me feel better.
because i do feel better. and i guess sometimes, you really don't get on, but you at least get by.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
the funk
for the last week or so, i've been in a worse mood than i've been in in a long time. no one really knows this. because my face has been on. and i've truly yet to meet the person who can really tell whether i'm really happy or not, when i am able to put a face on. i say that because there have been times in my life when i have been incapable of putting on that extra mask. and i'm not there in that place, and that's good.
but all the same, it feels really lonely that no one can tell the difference when i'm in a funk and when i'm not.
this is unfair. i realize that if i really wanted someone to care, the very least i could do is send up some kind of signal.
but i know myself. and i know that i won't. i'll keep feeling blue, until i work myself out of it. i won't ask for help. and i won't let on. because i just won't. it's how i am. and it's stupid. i know.
but i don't want sympathy. and i don't want advice. and that's pretty much what you get when you tell someone you are feeling blue.
so what do i want?
i want the weather to stop being crap.
i want my apartment complex to get rid of these stupid unlocky things to get into the buildings.
i want to be smarter.
i want to be less shy.
i want to not feel responsible for everything.
i want someone interesting to move in next door.
i want everyone i care about to be happy.
but really MOSTLY, i just want the weather to STOP being crap.
but all the same, it feels really lonely that no one can tell the difference when i'm in a funk and when i'm not.
this is unfair. i realize that if i really wanted someone to care, the very least i could do is send up some kind of signal.
but i know myself. and i know that i won't. i'll keep feeling blue, until i work myself out of it. i won't ask for help. and i won't let on. because i just won't. it's how i am. and it's stupid. i know.
but i don't want sympathy. and i don't want advice. and that's pretty much what you get when you tell someone you are feeling blue.
so what do i want?
i want the weather to stop being crap.
i want my apartment complex to get rid of these stupid unlocky things to get into the buildings.
i want to be smarter.
i want to be less shy.
i want to not feel responsible for everything.
i want someone interesting to move in next door.
i want everyone i care about to be happy.
but really MOSTLY, i just want the weather to STOP being crap.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
jocund company
yesterday i bought myself a small little pot of daffodils. i was at the grocery. i was sad. and there they were. for 3 whole dollars. i splurged. and bought a non-useful, non edible item.
flowers are not useful. well ok, they produce oxygen. and they will attract bees. and bees are good for us. people are worrying right now about bee extinction. because after the bees go, then we go.
but you definitely shouldn't eat a daffodil. they will poison you. so even if they are useful, they aren't edible.
i like daffodils though. mainly i like their color. but do i like daffodils because i like yellow? or do i like yellow because i like daffodils?
hard to say.
but they do make me feel better, sitting there by the window. so i guess you could call them anti-depressants also.
here is william wordsworth:
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed--and gazed--but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
flowers are not useful. well ok, they produce oxygen. and they will attract bees. and bees are good for us. people are worrying right now about bee extinction. because after the bees go, then we go.
but you definitely shouldn't eat a daffodil. they will poison you. so even if they are useful, they aren't edible.
i like daffodils though. mainly i like their color. but do i like daffodils because i like yellow? or do i like yellow because i like daffodils?
hard to say.
but they do make me feel better, sitting there by the window. so i guess you could call them anti-depressants also.
here is william wordsworth:
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed--and gazed--but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
Friday, March 21, 2014
5 to 9
maybe i told you that i got it into my head to read dante's "inferno." one might wonder why i decided to do this. i am wondering why i decided to this.
someone did ask me and pretty much the only reason i could come up with is that rather than randomly (in my head) committing people that tick me off to a certain circle of hell, i thought i'd be more literate and commit them to the circle appropriate to them.
not really the reason. but is always good to become more literate. and honestly, i don't really regularly mentally commit people to any part of hell very often. mostly just when someone lies to me or breaks my heart or if they're someone trying to destroy the institution of public education through "reformy" methods. but anyway, more true would be for me to say, "oh my god, i'm in the x circle of hell" when i'm frustrated with the situation that i'm in. and i suppose it would be good to declare the circle with accuracy.
anyway, i am about done with it. and i'm quite glad. to tell the truth, i find the whole idea of hell so very ridiculous and stupid, as well as just plain distasteful. the only thing i'm really finding amusing about it all, is how dante creates the punishments to go with the sins. and i realize that mostly dante is making political statements as he creates the circles.
so my mind wandered while reading it- to what circle i might be committed to in dante's hell. i'm thinking the 5th. for wrath and sulleness. (-:
maybe someday i'll read about the spheres of heaven and consider where i might belong there. (-: but that's a pretty big might, i'd say. i can't really lay any claim to heaven, i know. fortunate that i don't believe in that either.
but for now, i'm getting ready to descend a little deeper and meet the devil, himself.
someone did ask me and pretty much the only reason i could come up with is that rather than randomly (in my head) committing people that tick me off to a certain circle of hell, i thought i'd be more literate and commit them to the circle appropriate to them.
not really the reason. but is always good to become more literate. and honestly, i don't really regularly mentally commit people to any part of hell very often. mostly just when someone lies to me or breaks my heart or if they're someone trying to destroy the institution of public education through "reformy" methods. but anyway, more true would be for me to say, "oh my god, i'm in the x circle of hell" when i'm frustrated with the situation that i'm in. and i suppose it would be good to declare the circle with accuracy.
anyway, i am about done with it. and i'm quite glad. to tell the truth, i find the whole idea of hell so very ridiculous and stupid, as well as just plain distasteful. the only thing i'm really finding amusing about it all, is how dante creates the punishments to go with the sins. and i realize that mostly dante is making political statements as he creates the circles.
so my mind wandered while reading it- to what circle i might be committed to in dante's hell. i'm thinking the 5th. for wrath and sulleness. (-:
maybe someday i'll read about the spheres of heaven and consider where i might belong there. (-: but that's a pretty big might, i'd say. i can't really lay any claim to heaven, i know. fortunate that i don't believe in that either.
but for now, i'm getting ready to descend a little deeper and meet the devil, himself.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
if you want to destroy my sweater. hold this thread while i walk away.
i realize when i say people should be kind that i'm a hypocrite. i am not aways kind, myself. so just know when i say it, i'm not just admonishing others, i'm including myself. i should be kinder too.
to paraphrase one of my favorite quotes: there are three important things to be in the world. you should be kind. you should be kind. you should be kind.
all that said. you should be honest too. and sometimes, it's impossible to be both kind and honest. and you have to choose.
i can't really tell you which one to choose. and in fact, i think which one you might choose depends on the situation.
and i suppose that if i'm really honest right now- there are times when i'm neither honest or kind.
i watched a part of a special recently about mr. rogers. i did so and do so love mr. rogers. doesn't he define kind? doesn't he define simultaneously being both kind and honest? i feel i should have watched him more when i was young.
maybe i should get myself a new cardigan.
to paraphrase one of my favorite quotes: there are three important things to be in the world. you should be kind. you should be kind. you should be kind.
all that said. you should be honest too. and sometimes, it's impossible to be both kind and honest. and you have to choose.
i can't really tell you which one to choose. and in fact, i think which one you might choose depends on the situation.
and i suppose that if i'm really honest right now- there are times when i'm neither honest or kind.
i watched a part of a special recently about mr. rogers. i did so and do so love mr. rogers. doesn't he define kind? doesn't he define simultaneously being both kind and honest? i feel i should have watched him more when i was young.
maybe i should get myself a new cardigan.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Friday, March 14, 2014
my last will and testament
so i need to make a new will. i've made two wills in my life. one with my then husband. and then i made another one shortly after i was dumped by the person who i had hoped would be my second husband.
i'd actually rather buried the memory of making that will. but it was unearthed today and that flashed me back to some miserable memories.
it made me remember that when i made it, i was half sure that i was going to die soon. that's how horrible i felt. i remember thinking that no one could feel this awful and live very long. and i was also pretty darn sure i wanted to die soon.
i remember actually crying in the lawyer's office. how ridiculous, huh?
well, and i'll tell you. while i've never felt quite the same since, i certainly don't feel that bad anymore. and there's something that i wrote in that will that i certainly don't want in there anymore. at the time, i designated money to pay the dumper back for something that he gave me. i SO did NOT want to be indebted to him for anything at all, but i also didn't have the ability while alive to even things up. so it seemed a will was a way to do that.
and well, here's what i think now. i think that i wouldn't give that son of a bitch a single dime now.
oh, does that sound mean and unforgiving? well, so be it.
because quite honestly, the whole thing resulted in me spending a boatload of money for counseling. money i could have spent on my children or my grandchild. and i think back now how many of my children's wonderful life events were colored for me because i was so depressed and heartbroken that i couldn't even really enjoy them the way a parent should be able to.
i also think that i would have made some better life decisions had i never met him. if i'd been functional during all that time i was not functioning, i'd have made some better financial decisions, some better job decisions. all kinds of things.
and yes, i realize that it's my own weakness. that it took me so long to recover. but on the other hand, you know? it is what it is. and it was the best i could do. and people tell me now that it was a measure of how much i loved him that i fell that hard. and that it cut me to my core. and that it hurt that much. and they tell me that if i loved him that much that eventually i'll find a way to forgive him.
but if that's true, i'm not thinking now that i loved him at all. because i'm certainly not feeling even remotely close to forgiving him now. in fact, i'm less inclined now than i was before. but perhaps that's because he's so obviously not at all sorry. i don't know. i really don't.
what i do know is that i'm making a new will. and that one clause is coming right out.
i'd actually rather buried the memory of making that will. but it was unearthed today and that flashed me back to some miserable memories.
it made me remember that when i made it, i was half sure that i was going to die soon. that's how horrible i felt. i remember thinking that no one could feel this awful and live very long. and i was also pretty darn sure i wanted to die soon.
i remember actually crying in the lawyer's office. how ridiculous, huh?
well, and i'll tell you. while i've never felt quite the same since, i certainly don't feel that bad anymore. and there's something that i wrote in that will that i certainly don't want in there anymore. at the time, i designated money to pay the dumper back for something that he gave me. i SO did NOT want to be indebted to him for anything at all, but i also didn't have the ability while alive to even things up. so it seemed a will was a way to do that.
and well, here's what i think now. i think that i wouldn't give that son of a bitch a single dime now.
oh, does that sound mean and unforgiving? well, so be it.
because quite honestly, the whole thing resulted in me spending a boatload of money for counseling. money i could have spent on my children or my grandchild. and i think back now how many of my children's wonderful life events were colored for me because i was so depressed and heartbroken that i couldn't even really enjoy them the way a parent should be able to.
i also think that i would have made some better life decisions had i never met him. if i'd been functional during all that time i was not functioning, i'd have made some better financial decisions, some better job decisions. all kinds of things.
and yes, i realize that it's my own weakness. that it took me so long to recover. but on the other hand, you know? it is what it is. and it was the best i could do. and people tell me now that it was a measure of how much i loved him that i fell that hard. and that it cut me to my core. and that it hurt that much. and they tell me that if i loved him that much that eventually i'll find a way to forgive him.
but if that's true, i'm not thinking now that i loved him at all. because i'm certainly not feeling even remotely close to forgiving him now. in fact, i'm less inclined now than i was before. but perhaps that's because he's so obviously not at all sorry. i don't know. i really don't.
what i do know is that i'm making a new will. and that one clause is coming right out.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
wonders of wonder
so still, everyone is wondering about the malaysian plane. even more confusing thoughts on it now and how far it flew and in what direction after communication was shut off. i cannot say why this whole thing fascinates me so. not in a good way, of course. but i guess i just find it hard to believe that in these days of technology- satellites, radar, computers, phones, etc. that this plane cannot be found. i mean, the world just isn't that big anymore. how can a plane just disappear like that? i don't get it.
so i wonder.
there are many more things i wonder about, i guess.
like why there isn't better pothole technology? i mean, good grief. can't we fill potholes with something that doesn't disintegrate in a day or so? surely there is some kind of compound someone could make.
and why can't people understand that not everyone has an iq high enough to be able to climb the ladder.
why can't we have birth control handed out freely, without nutjob religious people getting their panties in a bunch?
why can't people who know nothing about children leave children and schools alone?
why can't i ever go to sleep at night, yet i'm so hateful about getting up in the morning?
WHY do we have to do this daylight savings time thing? i HATE it.
ok, and now you are going to think that i'm a really bad person, but why do people feel like it's their right to have children. i mean, why do people spend thousands and thousands of dollars, and bend their bodies all out of shape and such- just so that they can't have their own children? i suppose it's an ingrained characteristic of the human raise to ensure the population continues. but for pete's sake. if you can't have a child and you really want one- adopt. there are so many children that need homes.
why can't they just let people with cancer have all the pain meds they want. for pete's sake. suffering should be alleviated. worried about addiction? for pete's sake, they have cancer.
guns. why on earth do people think gun ownership is a right? guns are things. is owning anything a right? is car ownership a right? no. is owning a tv a right? is owning a computer a right? is owning a set of fabulous steak knives a right? no. so why do people think that owning a gun is a right? i think what they really don't like is that sane people would like laws to be passed so that you have to earn your right to buy a gun. i don't think background checks should be enough. i think you should have to show documented detailed report of your mental health status. Family documentation. I think you should have to take gun safety classes, let yourself be subjected to safety checks of your home at least once a month. i think that you should have to demonstrate proof that you need one. I think you should have to present your case before a jury of people with expertise in psychology, criminology, and sociology. i think you should have to put a sign on your house saying "i have a gun." i think your case should be reviewed yearly. i think you should have to provide doumentation to law enforcement about how and where your guns are kept. i think if you are carrying a gun around with you, you should have to wear a bright yellow hat, that has a button on it that says, "i am carrying a gun." anyway, i'm wondering why we can't do all these things. if guns are so precious to you, why wouldn't you do all those things to have them?
and now i'm wondering why if i have to get up and teach plane geometry in the morning, why i don't get to bed?
so i wonder.
there are many more things i wonder about, i guess.
like why there isn't better pothole technology? i mean, good grief. can't we fill potholes with something that doesn't disintegrate in a day or so? surely there is some kind of compound someone could make.
and why can't people understand that not everyone has an iq high enough to be able to climb the ladder.
why can't we have birth control handed out freely, without nutjob religious people getting their panties in a bunch?
why can't people who know nothing about children leave children and schools alone?
why can't i ever go to sleep at night, yet i'm so hateful about getting up in the morning?
WHY do we have to do this daylight savings time thing? i HATE it.
ok, and now you are going to think that i'm a really bad person, but why do people feel like it's their right to have children. i mean, why do people spend thousands and thousands of dollars, and bend their bodies all out of shape and such- just so that they can't have their own children? i suppose it's an ingrained characteristic of the human raise to ensure the population continues. but for pete's sake. if you can't have a child and you really want one- adopt. there are so many children that need homes.
why can't they just let people with cancer have all the pain meds they want. for pete's sake. suffering should be alleviated. worried about addiction? for pete's sake, they have cancer.
guns. why on earth do people think gun ownership is a right? guns are things. is owning anything a right? is car ownership a right? no. is owning a tv a right? is owning a computer a right? is owning a set of fabulous steak knives a right? no. so why do people think that owning a gun is a right? i think what they really don't like is that sane people would like laws to be passed so that you have to earn your right to buy a gun. i don't think background checks should be enough. i think you should have to show documented detailed report of your mental health status. Family documentation. I think you should have to take gun safety classes, let yourself be subjected to safety checks of your home at least once a month. i think that you should have to demonstrate proof that you need one. I think you should have to present your case before a jury of people with expertise in psychology, criminology, and sociology. i think you should have to put a sign on your house saying "i have a gun." i think your case should be reviewed yearly. i think you should have to provide doumentation to law enforcement about how and where your guns are kept. i think if you are carrying a gun around with you, you should have to wear a bright yellow hat, that has a button on it that says, "i am carrying a gun." anyway, i'm wondering why we can't do all these things. if guns are so precious to you, why wouldn't you do all those things to have them?
and now i'm wondering why if i have to get up and teach plane geometry in the morning, why i don't get to bed?
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
this, that, and some more this.
it's too soon to say if it's really it, but it appears now that the chinese have satellite pictures of what could be the wreckage of the missing malaysian plane. if it's true, i am not feeling so stupid for suggesting the answer to finding the plane was to use satellites. (see the post before last.)
and i had some really nice compliments and people saying they missed me on facebook, yesterday and today.
and got told by someone today, that they envied me. and they really meant it.
that's all very nice.
not sure anyone should envy me, though. my life leaves a bit to be desired. but still, it was nice.
i did not attempt running today. i had a meeting after work this morning and then because i was subbing tonight, i had to prepare a lesson for this evening.
oh well. fitness can wait until tomorrow.
so there's this girl (just 18 now) in nj who sued her parents because she didn't want to live by their rules but she wanted them to support her. she claimed her parents were abusive. doesn't sound to me like they were. sounds to me like she was a spoiled brat. a judge decided against the suit, and apparently they have worked something out and the girl is home again. the family wants their privacy. i can understand that they would. not really sure how upset i'd be if a child of mine felt they were entitled to my support but was defiant to my rules to the point where they sued for money. i think i'd be sadly disappointed in both the child, and in myself for raising such a thoughtless, immature, human being.
but yeah. i'd probably forgive. because, well, you know- that's what you do with people who you love. it'd be hard though. unless they were truly and obviously sorry for their actions. i wouldn't give in though. you don't give in to terrorist demands, even if the terrorist is your own child.
thyroid issues (untreated) make you depressed and cranky. i read that today. duh. i also read that i should not eat cruciferous vegetables. damn. cuz, i love collard greens. and cauliflower. broccoli, i like, but it's always made me sick.
are you ready for the big 10?
well this is it for tonight. i must get some sleep. that's important for the thyroid sufferer too, i read. you know, it's really a wonder that i'm alive at all considering how i've never done anything quite right up to now. in my life. except i did say, check the satellites, didn't i?
and i had some really nice compliments and people saying they missed me on facebook, yesterday and today.
and got told by someone today, that they envied me. and they really meant it.
that's all very nice.
not sure anyone should envy me, though. my life leaves a bit to be desired. but still, it was nice.
i did not attempt running today. i had a meeting after work this morning and then because i was subbing tonight, i had to prepare a lesson for this evening.
oh well. fitness can wait until tomorrow.
so there's this girl (just 18 now) in nj who sued her parents because she didn't want to live by their rules but she wanted them to support her. she claimed her parents were abusive. doesn't sound to me like they were. sounds to me like she was a spoiled brat. a judge decided against the suit, and apparently they have worked something out and the girl is home again. the family wants their privacy. i can understand that they would. not really sure how upset i'd be if a child of mine felt they were entitled to my support but was defiant to my rules to the point where they sued for money. i think i'd be sadly disappointed in both the child, and in myself for raising such a thoughtless, immature, human being.
but yeah. i'd probably forgive. because, well, you know- that's what you do with people who you love. it'd be hard though. unless they were truly and obviously sorry for their actions. i wouldn't give in though. you don't give in to terrorist demands, even if the terrorist is your own child.
thyroid issues (untreated) make you depressed and cranky. i read that today. duh. i also read that i should not eat cruciferous vegetables. damn. cuz, i love collard greens. and cauliflower. broccoli, i like, but it's always made me sick.
are you ready for the big 10?
well this is it for tonight. i must get some sleep. that's important for the thyroid sufferer too, i read. you know, it's really a wonder that i'm alive at all considering how i've never done anything quite right up to now. in my life. except i did say, check the satellites, didn't i?
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
hey, good lookin'
perhaps you read the not so shocking report out of harvard that told us that good looking men have an advantage in business.
to which, you might have responded like i did, which is to say, "duh."
the study did not seem to think that good looking women had an unfair advantage though. i don't really think that's true though. maybe good looking men do better in business than good looking women.
but, i do think good looking people of both sexes get treated better than the rest of us.
and the reason i think that is because if i go to the trouble of dressing up, making up, with heels and the updo and all that, i get treated way better than i do if i go out as just me.
not that when i get dressed up, made up, and done up, i'm good looking, BUT the better i look, the better i get treated. so it stands to reason (to me) that if a person can look good effortlessly, they get treated well all the time.
i do know that thin people get treated better than heavy people. i've never been heavy really. i've been a few pounds over at times, but never what we'd call heavy. (except when i was younger and then you might have called me pudgy.)
but anyway, thin people do get treated better than heavy people. and i know this, because a friend and i did research on it once. at a bar. i was the thin person. i got more freebies.
so my advice to you is to be thin and good looking. your life will be charmed.
to which, you might have responded like i did, which is to say, "duh."
the study did not seem to think that good looking women had an unfair advantage though. i don't really think that's true though. maybe good looking men do better in business than good looking women.
but, i do think good looking people of both sexes get treated better than the rest of us.
and the reason i think that is because if i go to the trouble of dressing up, making up, with heels and the updo and all that, i get treated way better than i do if i go out as just me.
not that when i get dressed up, made up, and done up, i'm good looking, BUT the better i look, the better i get treated. so it stands to reason (to me) that if a person can look good effortlessly, they get treated well all the time.
i do know that thin people get treated better than heavy people. i've never been heavy really. i've been a few pounds over at times, but never what we'd call heavy. (except when i was younger and then you might have called me pudgy.)
but anyway, thin people do get treated better than heavy people. and i know this, because a friend and i did research on it once. at a bar. i was the thin person. i got more freebies.
so my advice to you is to be thin and good looking. your life will be charmed.
Monday, March 10, 2014
progress, or lack there of
so i went back out today. to do the thing i hate.
i went about the same distance before i said to myself, "I HATE RUNNING."
i promptly stopped running, and started walking. whatever.
i did run a few more times than yesterday. so perhaps, i ran more. but i really hate to run.
so this evening, i reconsulted the web. downloaded a coach potato app. to help me. i'm not discouraged. i'm sure i will get better. i have been better before. but what i'm not convinced of is that i'll ever like it. even just a little bit.
and i read accounts of really good runners and even runners who claim they love the running. and even they will tell you that at times, running just sucks.
so here's my dilemma. i want to like running. and i just don't think that's really possible. and i'm not sure there's anyway to keep up with it unless you are obsessive about it.
so, what i've decided is that my goal will no longer be to run. my goal will simply be to move for at least 30 minutes a day. and that i will run as many steps as it takes me to say, "i hate running" then i'll stop running and walk, and do just what i did today.
so that's the progress that's not really progress.
so i'm reading about the plane that disappeared. it was personally alarming because my daughter and her husband had just landed where the plane took off from. and of course, it's a terrible tragedy. i'm trying to figure out what with all the satellites that point towards us taking pictures, why there isn't more information from our sky about where that plane went down. but that's probably stupid. satellite pictures probably don't work like that. but, don't you think it should? eyes in the sky.
i understand they are trumping up security for this year's boston marathon. that's good.
i see that adam lanza's father wishes his son was never born. not sure how i feel about that. i rather wish he'd never been born either, i guess. they'd diagnosed him as autistic. i don't think he was. his father mentioned that he was probably actually schizophrenic. i'm not sure that explains him either. yes, i think he was mentally ill. but i don't really think schizophrenia explains the outward violence. what i do think is that his mother was a fricking nut job and that she should not have had guns in her house or had custody of the kid. no one that has a child with any kind of mental disorder keeps guns in their house without locking them up and swallowing the key. so i'm quite convinced that there was something really wrong with her.
i've been reading about a man name james fallon, who is a neuroscientist. he apparently discovered that he has the brain of a sociopathic killer. but he's not a killer. why does he think he's not a killer? nurture.
we need to remember this. simplistically- genes can be turned on or off by the environment. as parents we are responsible for creating the environment for our children. i think that i'm very lucky for two things with my children. one is that they were born with good genes. and second that even when i was lacking as a parent, my parents were there for them. i don't mean to make it sound like i was (or meant to be) a terrible parent, but definitely there were times when i was too busy trying to make ends meet or keep things pulled together or was too tired to function well- that it's just very fortunate, my parents were there. at any rate, i'm glad that i've never had to feel, for the world's sake, that my children were never born.
i went about the same distance before i said to myself, "I HATE RUNNING."
i promptly stopped running, and started walking. whatever.
i did run a few more times than yesterday. so perhaps, i ran more. but i really hate to run.
so this evening, i reconsulted the web. downloaded a coach potato app. to help me. i'm not discouraged. i'm sure i will get better. i have been better before. but what i'm not convinced of is that i'll ever like it. even just a little bit.
and i read accounts of really good runners and even runners who claim they love the running. and even they will tell you that at times, running just sucks.
so here's my dilemma. i want to like running. and i just don't think that's really possible. and i'm not sure there's anyway to keep up with it unless you are obsessive about it.
so, what i've decided is that my goal will no longer be to run. my goal will simply be to move for at least 30 minutes a day. and that i will run as many steps as it takes me to say, "i hate running" then i'll stop running and walk, and do just what i did today.
so that's the progress that's not really progress.
so i'm reading about the plane that disappeared. it was personally alarming because my daughter and her husband had just landed where the plane took off from. and of course, it's a terrible tragedy. i'm trying to figure out what with all the satellites that point towards us taking pictures, why there isn't more information from our sky about where that plane went down. but that's probably stupid. satellite pictures probably don't work like that. but, don't you think it should? eyes in the sky.
i understand they are trumping up security for this year's boston marathon. that's good.
i see that adam lanza's father wishes his son was never born. not sure how i feel about that. i rather wish he'd never been born either, i guess. they'd diagnosed him as autistic. i don't think he was. his father mentioned that he was probably actually schizophrenic. i'm not sure that explains him either. yes, i think he was mentally ill. but i don't really think schizophrenia explains the outward violence. what i do think is that his mother was a fricking nut job and that she should not have had guns in her house or had custody of the kid. no one that has a child with any kind of mental disorder keeps guns in their house without locking them up and swallowing the key. so i'm quite convinced that there was something really wrong with her.
i've been reading about a man name james fallon, who is a neuroscientist. he apparently discovered that he has the brain of a sociopathic killer. but he's not a killer. why does he think he's not a killer? nurture.
we need to remember this. simplistically- genes can be turned on or off by the environment. as parents we are responsible for creating the environment for our children. i think that i'm very lucky for two things with my children. one is that they were born with good genes. and second that even when i was lacking as a parent, my parents were there for them. i don't mean to make it sound like i was (or meant to be) a terrible parent, but definitely there were times when i was too busy trying to make ends meet or keep things pulled together or was too tired to function well- that it's just very fortunate, my parents were there. at any rate, i'm glad that i've never had to feel, for the world's sake, that my children were never born.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
little runaway
i hate to run. i mean it. i. hate. to. run.
so yeah, there was a time when i used to run. well, you couldn't so much call it running as just jogging. and yeah, i did it, because afterwards i always felt better. and it was important to me to maintain a feeling of better. but i never really enjoyed myself while i was doing it. never. in fact, my best runs were when i was feeling particularly bad anyway. and the feeling bad of running was sort of a way to make the other things so much not so bad. twisted, huh? it's like if you stub your toe and it hurts, if you pinch your arm, it takes away the pain in your toe.
so but, time passed. i got lazy. and quite honestly, i surpassed a level of feeling bad, where instead of running to face my misery, i became absolutely immobile. you might call it depression. as a result of grief. whatever. the point is, i quit the sport that i hated. maybe when i needed it most. i don't know.
but now, for some unknown reason, i have a desire to run. and even while i can chase cats with the best of them in front of a tv screen using my wii fit, i realize that this is quite different than actually hitting pavement. and i know it's going to be hard.
and i'm going to hate it. so i went to several websites to find some of those "i hate to run" start up plans. you know? where you start by walking. then you run in very small increments of your walk to build up your endurance. and i do mean very small. like 10 steps small. my favorite site about this whole process suggests that the very moment you say to yourself, "I HATE RUNNING" you stop running and you walk. i think the idea is to quit equating the movement of running with the feeling of hate. seems like a good idea to me. and i think it's the plan i might go with. just for that reason. only trouble will be that i might not get more than 5 steps in before i say, "I HATE RUNNING!" i guess that doesn't matter though. you start where you start.
now, i'll tell you though, what or who, i don't want to turn into. i don't want to turn into a running enthusiast. those people are just not my cup of tea. and i don't want to be one. they are annoying and pretentious. and they make other people feel bad about themselves. i don't want to be that kind of person.
and so now i'm back. from my first venture out. and here's how far i went before i said, "I HATE RUNNING." 1/8 of a mile. that would be 660 feet. not as bad as 10 steps. maybe about 250 steps?? not great. but not as bad as the worst, right?
but here's what i also remembered i hated, while i was out. i HATE being cold. HATE. BEING. COLD.
but maybe someday, i'll run for a long enough time that i won't be cold.
so yeah, there was a time when i used to run. well, you couldn't so much call it running as just jogging. and yeah, i did it, because afterwards i always felt better. and it was important to me to maintain a feeling of better. but i never really enjoyed myself while i was doing it. never. in fact, my best runs were when i was feeling particularly bad anyway. and the feeling bad of running was sort of a way to make the other things so much not so bad. twisted, huh? it's like if you stub your toe and it hurts, if you pinch your arm, it takes away the pain in your toe.
so but, time passed. i got lazy. and quite honestly, i surpassed a level of feeling bad, where instead of running to face my misery, i became absolutely immobile. you might call it depression. as a result of grief. whatever. the point is, i quit the sport that i hated. maybe when i needed it most. i don't know.
but now, for some unknown reason, i have a desire to run. and even while i can chase cats with the best of them in front of a tv screen using my wii fit, i realize that this is quite different than actually hitting pavement. and i know it's going to be hard.
and i'm going to hate it. so i went to several websites to find some of those "i hate to run" start up plans. you know? where you start by walking. then you run in very small increments of your walk to build up your endurance. and i do mean very small. like 10 steps small. my favorite site about this whole process suggests that the very moment you say to yourself, "I HATE RUNNING" you stop running and you walk. i think the idea is to quit equating the movement of running with the feeling of hate. seems like a good idea to me. and i think it's the plan i might go with. just for that reason. only trouble will be that i might not get more than 5 steps in before i say, "I HATE RUNNING!" i guess that doesn't matter though. you start where you start.
now, i'll tell you though, what or who, i don't want to turn into. i don't want to turn into a running enthusiast. those people are just not my cup of tea. and i don't want to be one. they are annoying and pretentious. and they make other people feel bad about themselves. i don't want to be that kind of person.
and so now i'm back. from my first venture out. and here's how far i went before i said, "I HATE RUNNING." 1/8 of a mile. that would be 660 feet. not as bad as 10 steps. maybe about 250 steps?? not great. but not as bad as the worst, right?
but here's what i also remembered i hated, while i was out. i HATE being cold. HATE. BEING. COLD.
but maybe someday, i'll run for a long enough time that i won't be cold.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
qwertyness
my keyboard died. and since i use my ipad for most everything now because i hate my little netbook, i was typing everything on the screen. and i felt like my right (or my left) arm had been amputated or something. i tried to keep up with everything i do online using the screen, but truth be told, it made me feel so uncomfortable, i felt queasy whenever i was trying to express myself. weird, huh?
so today, i finally went out and bought a new keyboard. the jury is out. not sure if i like it or not. it's different. my thumb is irritated. i have a bandaid fix on it.
but, that is minor. what is major is that i can now type again. and i never quite realized how soothing the physical act of typing is for me. i simply like to type. i like to let my thoughts flow through my fingers. it's satisfying in a way that speaking never is. It's certainly more soothing than trying to tap out a message with my thumbs and index fingers on a screen.
so, a plane dropped out of the sky. somewhere between malaysia and china. 239 people, just gone. so disconcerting that no amount of typing can type it all away.
so, a close friend is dealing with a family situation that breaks her heart. so disconcerting that no amount of typing can type it all away.
so, someone i know and love is having to deal with something that they really should never have to deal with. life is just not fair. so disconcerting that no amount of typing can type it away.
again, we just have to realize that we are lucky to have any of the good things we do have. i am grateful for my children and that they are safe and sound and well. I am grateful for my grandson. i am grateful for my friends. who respond in the middle of the night, when i need to talk to them. i am grateful that i have enough food to eat, a roof over my head, a car to drive, and a job that allows me to afford all that.
and it's better to be able to type. even if you can never really can type it all away.
so today, i finally went out and bought a new keyboard. the jury is out. not sure if i like it or not. it's different. my thumb is irritated. i have a bandaid fix on it.
but, that is minor. what is major is that i can now type again. and i never quite realized how soothing the physical act of typing is for me. i simply like to type. i like to let my thoughts flow through my fingers. it's satisfying in a way that speaking never is. It's certainly more soothing than trying to tap out a message with my thumbs and index fingers on a screen.
so, a plane dropped out of the sky. somewhere between malaysia and china. 239 people, just gone. so disconcerting that no amount of typing can type it all away.
so, a close friend is dealing with a family situation that breaks her heart. so disconcerting that no amount of typing can type it all away.
so, someone i know and love is having to deal with something that they really should never have to deal with. life is just not fair. so disconcerting that no amount of typing can type it away.
again, we just have to realize that we are lucky to have any of the good things we do have. i am grateful for my children and that they are safe and sound and well. I am grateful for my grandson. i am grateful for my friends. who respond in the middle of the night, when i need to talk to them. i am grateful that i have enough food to eat, a roof over my head, a car to drive, and a job that allows me to afford all that.
and it's better to be able to type. even if you can never really can type it all away.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Smile
A smile is the chosen vehicle of all ambiguities.
Herman Melville
I went away this weekend where lots and lots of pictures were taken. there were "famous" people to stand with etc. And I tried like heck to avoid being pictured at all. But I couldn't weasel out of one of them. And in that pic, I looked fat and dumpy and old and I wasn't too happy about. Because, honestly, I don't look that bad. but there are times i don't photograph well. Ah. Vanity. Why waste your time on it?
but anyway. Thinking about this got me to studying the other people in pictures, and in particular, I started studying their smiles. And there are smiles and there are smiles.
So then I went and read about smiles. And well, there are 3 things to look for if you want to know if a smile is genuine. One is that the person will squint their eyes and even close them. Second, they will have crows feet, and they will mostly not show their bottom teeth. Only when they say "cheese" will you drop the lower part of your face to show teeth.
And then, there are closed lipped smilers, who are either fake, liar type sorts OR they have bad teeth. Either way, they are hiding something.
And after doing this smile study, I've gone back to study pics of people I know. And I am happy and genuinely smiling that most of the people who I call friends are genuine smilers. (-:
Herman Melville
I went away this weekend where lots and lots of pictures were taken. there were "famous" people to stand with etc. And I tried like heck to avoid being pictured at all. But I couldn't weasel out of one of them. And in that pic, I looked fat and dumpy and old and I wasn't too happy about. Because, honestly, I don't look that bad. but there are times i don't photograph well. Ah. Vanity. Why waste your time on it?
but anyway. Thinking about this got me to studying the other people in pictures, and in particular, I started studying their smiles. And there are smiles and there are smiles.
So then I went and read about smiles. And well, there are 3 things to look for if you want to know if a smile is genuine. One is that the person will squint their eyes and even close them. Second, they will have crows feet, and they will mostly not show their bottom teeth. Only when they say "cheese" will you drop the lower part of your face to show teeth.
And then, there are closed lipped smilers, who are either fake, liar type sorts OR they have bad teeth. Either way, they are hiding something.
And after doing this smile study, I've gone back to study pics of people I know. And I am happy and genuinely smiling that most of the people who I call friends are genuine smilers. (-:
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