the funk

for the last week or so, i've been in a worse mood than i've been in in a long time. no one really knows this. because my face has been on. and i've truly yet to meet the person who can really tell whether i'm really happy or not, when i am able to put a face on. i say that because there have been times in my life when i have been incapable of putting on that extra mask. and i'm not there in that place, and that's good.

but all the same, it feels really lonely that no one can tell the difference when i'm in a funk and when i'm not.

this is unfair. i realize that if i really wanted someone to care, the very least i could do is send up some kind of signal.

but i know myself. and i know that i won't. i'll keep feeling blue, until i work myself out of it. i won't ask for help. and i won't let on. because i just won't. it's how i am. and it's stupid. i know.

but i don't want sympathy. and i don't want advice. and that's pretty much what you get when you tell someone you are feeling blue.

so what do i want?

i want the weather to stop being crap.

i want my apartment complex to get rid of these stupid unlocky things to get into the buildings.

i want to be smarter.

i want to be less shy.

i want to not feel responsible for everything.

i want someone interesting to move in next door.

i want everyone i care about to be happy.

but really MOSTLY, i just want the weather to STOP being crap.