progress, or lack there of

so i went back out today. to do the thing i hate.

i went about the same distance before i said to myself, "I HATE RUNNING."

i promptly stopped running, and started walking. whatever.

i did run a few more times than yesterday. so perhaps, i ran more. but i really hate to run.

so this evening, i reconsulted the web. downloaded a coach potato app. to help me. i'm not discouraged. i'm sure i will get better. i have been better before. but what i'm not convinced of is that i'll ever like it. even just a little bit.

and i read accounts of really good runners and even runners who claim they love the running. and even they will tell you that at times, running just sucks.

so here's my dilemma. i want to like running. and i just don't think that's really possible. and i'm not sure there's anyway to keep up with it unless you are obsessive about it.

so, what i've decided is that my goal will no longer be to run. my goal will simply be to move for at least 30 minutes a day. and that i will run as many steps as it takes me to say, "i hate running" then i'll stop running and walk, and do just what i did today.

so that's the progress that's not really progress.

so i'm reading about the plane that disappeared. it was personally alarming because my daughter and her husband had just landed where the plane took off from. and of course, it's a terrible tragedy. i'm trying to figure out what with all the satellites that point towards us taking pictures, why there isn't more information from our sky about where that plane went down. but that's probably stupid. satellite pictures probably don't work like that. but, don't you think it should? eyes in the sky.

i understand they are trumping up security for this year's boston marathon. that's good.

i see that adam lanza's father wishes his son was never born. not sure how i feel about that. i rather wish he'd never been born either, i guess. they'd diagnosed him as autistic. i don't think he was. his father mentioned that he was probably actually schizophrenic. i'm not sure that explains him either. yes, i think he was mentally ill. but i don't really think schizophrenia explains the outward violence. what i do think is that his mother was a fricking nut job and that she should not have had guns in her house or had custody of the kid. no one that has a child with any kind of mental disorder keeps guns in their house without locking them up and swallowing the key. so i'm quite convinced that there was something really wrong with her.

i've been reading about a man name james fallon, who is a neuroscientist. he apparently discovered that he has the brain of a sociopathic killer. but he's not a killer. why does he think he's not a killer? nurture.

we need to remember this. simplistically- genes can be turned on or off by the environment. as parents we are responsible for creating the environment for our children. i think that i'm very lucky for two things with my children. one is that they were born with good genes. and second that even when i was lacking as a parent, my parents were there for them. i don't mean to make it sound like i was (or meant to be) a terrible parent, but definitely there were times when i was too busy trying to make ends meet or keep things pulled together or was too tired to function well- that it's just very fortunate, my parents were there. at any rate, i'm glad that i've never had to feel, for the world's sake, that my children were never born.