my last will and testament

so i need to make a new will. i've made two wills in my life. one with my then husband. and then i made another one shortly after i was dumped by the person who i had hoped would be my second husband.

i'd actually rather buried the memory of making that will. but it was unearthed today and that flashed me back to some miserable memories.

it made me remember that when i made it, i was half sure that i was going to die soon. that's how horrible i felt. i remember thinking that no one could feel this awful and live very long. and i was also pretty darn sure i wanted to die soon.
i remember actually crying in the lawyer's office. how ridiculous, huh?

well, and i'll tell you. while i've never felt quite the same since, i certainly don't feel that bad anymore. and there's something that i wrote in that will that i certainly don't want in there anymore. at the time, i designated money to pay the dumper back for something that he gave me. i SO did NOT want to be indebted to him for anything at all, but i also didn't have the ability while alive to even things up. so it seemed a will was a way to do that.

and well, here's what i think now. i think that i wouldn't give that son of a bitch a single dime now.

oh, does that sound mean and unforgiving? well, so be it.

because quite honestly, the whole thing resulted in me spending a boatload of money for counseling. money i could have spent on my children or my grandchild. and i think back now how many of my children's wonderful life events were colored for me because i was so depressed and heartbroken that i couldn't even really enjoy them the way a parent should be able to.

i also think that i would have made some better life decisions had i never met him. if i'd been functional during all that time i was not functioning, i'd have made some better financial decisions, some better job decisions. all kinds of things.

and yes, i realize that it's my own weakness. that it took me so long to recover. but on the other hand, you know? it is what it is. and it was the best i could do. and people tell me now that it was a measure of how much i loved him that i fell that hard. and that it cut me to my core. and that it hurt that much. and they tell me that if i loved him that much that eventually i'll find a way to forgive him.

but if that's true, i'm not thinking now that i loved him at all. because i'm certainly not feeling even remotely close to forgiving him now. in fact, i'm less inclined now than i was before. but perhaps that's because he's so obviously not at all sorry. i don't know. i really don't.

what i do know is that i'm making a new will. and that one clause is coming right out.