little runaway

i hate to run. i mean it. i. hate. to. run.

so yeah, there was a time when i used to run. well, you couldn't so much call it running as just jogging. and yeah, i did it, because afterwards i always felt better. and it was important to me to maintain a feeling of better. but i never really enjoyed myself while i was doing it. never. in fact, my best runs were when i was feeling particularly bad anyway. and the feeling bad of running was sort of a way to make the other things so much not so bad. twisted, huh? it's like if you stub your toe and it hurts, if you pinch your arm, it takes away the pain in your toe.

so but, time passed. i got lazy. and quite honestly, i surpassed a level of feeling bad, where instead of running to face my misery, i became absolutely immobile. you might call it depression. as a result of grief. whatever. the point is, i quit the sport that i hated. maybe when i needed it most. i don't know.

but now, for some unknown reason, i have a desire to run. and even while i can chase cats with the best of them in front of a tv screen using my wii fit, i realize that this is quite different than actually hitting pavement. and i know it's going to be hard.

and i'm going to hate it. so i went to several websites to find some of those "i hate to run" start up plans. you know? where you start by walking. then you run in very small increments of your walk to build up your endurance. and i do mean very small. like 10 steps small. my favorite site about this whole process suggests that the very moment you say to yourself, "I HATE RUNNING" you stop running and you walk. i think the idea is to quit equating the movement of running with the feeling of hate. seems like a good idea to me. and i think it's the plan i might go with. just for that reason. only trouble will be that i might not get more than 5 steps in before i say, "I HATE RUNNING!" i guess that doesn't matter though. you start where you start.

now, i'll tell you though, what or who, i don't want to turn into. i don't want to turn into a running enthusiast. those people are just not my cup of tea. and i don't want to be one. they are annoying and pretentious. and they make other people feel bad about themselves. i don't want to be that kind of person.

and so now i'm back. from my first venture out. and here's how far i went before i said, "I HATE RUNNING." 1/8 of a mile. that would be 660 feet. not as bad as 10 steps. maybe about 250 steps?? not great. but not as bad as the worst, right?

but here's what i also remembered i hated, while i was out. i HATE being cold. HATE. BEING. COLD.

but maybe someday, i'll run for a long enough time that i won't be cold.