getting by

we've covered this ground before. and so likely i'll be boring you. but whatever. i don't really care about you. (-:
as i told you last post, i had not been in a very good mood for a bit. but, i had several gatherings with old friends in the last few days. and that helped considerably. much as i hate to admit it, it helps me to process things if i socialize. even if i don't really ever talk about what i'm thinking, i gain perspective on life.

so some friends and i were out to dinner and back to one of the friends home the other night. and i'm not really even sure what brought up the conversation, but we got to discussing philosophies. and one of our group is a rather funny guy. on the surface, he seems almost simple. he never seems to think out thinks too deeply or worry to much about what other people think. but sometimes his thoughts are actually surprisingly complex for a person who usually just skims the surface of things. and he said something that i thought was quite compelling. and it prompted me to ask him the question, "so what do YOU think happens when people die?"

and it wasn't that i wanted to know the actual answer. because of course no one has the actual answer, but i was just really interested in what exactly he thought. because i thought his thoughts might be interesting and unusual. but that started the conversation of what everyone thought. and there were all manner of views about heaven etc. apparently, i'm the only one who just thinks you're nothing. or at least hopes that. and one of our group insisted that she'd had a near death experience and said that she's no longer afraid of dying- because it was so wonderful. and so then i asked, "well, ok, if you believe that, do you believe that everyone goes there, or do you think that "bad" people get punished somewhere else?

and that made one of our group burst into tears. (not too long ago, her sister had died of cancer. and her relationship with her sister had been complicated.)

at this point, we all instinctively turned the conversation back to lighter things. and i was sorry that i'd asked the questions.

so i spent the night at the one friend's house. and in the morning, we had a gals gab session about the night before. and we rehashed some of the conversations of the night and we discussed the death discussion and we both reflected that we thought it was highly unusual for this friend to "crack" and burst into tears. because this woman is perhaps the toughest, most resilient, most "get on and get over it" person anyone of us is ever likely to meet. and she's had no easy life. her father committed suicide when she was middle school aged. her mother remarried several times. she's had many a situation in her life from a young age and yet, she's always been the most grounded person we know. she never openly told me i was stupid for not getting over "the guy" but i do know she really thought that. because that's how she is. her view on it would be, "hey, he was a big old jerk to dump you, so waste no more of your life on him."

and so we were both mystified that this was the thing that our friend couldn't quite deal with with her usual even keel. not that it's not terrible to lose your sister to cancer, but why could she handle all the other stuff and not this? we did not have an answer. we were both simply glad that she has the most wonderful of husbands to help her handle it all.

and then we shared with each other some deaths that had fairly severely affected us. and that got us on to the subject of first holidays after the deaths of people you care about. and how those are really really hard. and she told me how the husband of a friend of hers who died around easter cringes at the thought of easter. or really any holiday. and she told me how her son in law can't stand christmas still because of the death of his mother. to the point where he finds it very hard to enjoy christmas with his sons. (her grandsons) and well, we resolved that we all just need to be more kind. and more understanding of people who are grieving at any time or for any reason. but that we need to be particularly kind and understanding around holidays. because they are just not times of joy for people who have a big old gaping hole in their hearts. and even the toughest of us can crack sometimes.

and why do i want to bore you with all this? because even while i'm sad that my friend is struggling, i take some comfort for myself in knowing that even the very toughest of us can crack a bit sometimes. because i've always felt like such an idiot. and it makes me feel better to just know i have friends that can help me feel better.

because i do feel better. and i guess sometimes, you really don't get on, but you at least get by.