because we must not ever forget

the reason for this blog.

http://youtu.be/_T4SaNuxZO8

you might want to sell your stock.

so you might want to sell your stock in coca-cola. because this former staple of my diet- diet coke- is now off the table for me.

why? you ask.

well because it was raining a week ago on sunday night.

and i didn't want to go out in the rain to get some. and i decided that perhaps if i wasn't addicted enough to go out and get some simply because it was raining, i might not be as addicted to it as everyone probably thought.

so i just up and switched to drinking water. and maybe an iced tea or two.

and you know how they tell you that you'll have headaches and all kinds of reactions to giving up soda? well, i had no problems at all. none. what-so-ever. i feel exactly the same as before.

now i will tell you that i've had two diet cokes since the quit day. one on saturday night at dinner. and one while driving home on sunday. but that second one was more or less because someone handed me one when i was leaving. and not because i wanted one. but even so, after i had them, i was fine. i didn't crave anymore. and i didn't go buy anymore. and i'm not planning on doing so. i might as well save myself the 12 bucks a week, i guess.

so really, you might want to sell your stock in coke.

destiny

Destiny has two ways of crushing us - by refusing our wishes and by fulfilling them.

Henri Frederic Amiel


i was in the middle (ok, i was at the 2/3's point) of reading a trilogy of books and i had to wait for the last one to be shipped from timbuktu or somewhere through an inter-library loan. and while i was waiting, i picked up a paperback that my daughter had left behind. this book has been lying in one of my homes forever. just waiting for a day when i might pick it up and read it. you might say that i was destined at some point to read this book.

and it turned out to be a pretty darn good book, as are most of the books that my daughter picks out to read. and the story is long and intricate and i won't cheapen it for you by a quick retelling in my inadequate words.

but instead i'll go right to the heart of this matter that i'm writing about. "i made up my mind to tell him what i'd seen. And when he reacted so angrily...well, if he couldn't forgive you for what you'd done, it was clear to me that he wasn't your destiny."

and i'll interweave this with the closing of a letter i just received, "we are rich Sugar, we just don't have that much money."

and no, the letter was not from a love interest. just a friend. who will always stay a friend, because he's gay. but he's a marvelous penpal. and i think that our exchanges have done more to clear my head and heart than most anything has in this past decade.

and i really don't know what he gets out of me writing him. he's so literate and smart and clever, if you could know him, you'd know that i'd have to bore the stuffings out of him. but it seems that the more i confide to him, the more he returns. and it's almost like being in love. except of course it's not.

but it's certainly a kind fondness that we seem to have for each other. and the more rotten and stupid things about myself that i share with him, the more he seems to like me. for who i am. for the really flawed and selfish person that i am.

and in so many words, he's told me over and over now "well, if he couldn't forgive you for what you'd done, it is clear to me that he wasn't your destiny."

he's invited me (sincerely) to come to visit. and i (sincerely) accepted. except that i told him that it wouldn't be for awhile yet, because with two upcoming trips, i just couldn't afford it for awhile. i told him that if i were rich, i'd travel all the time.

and that's when he returned with "we are rich Sugar, we just don't have much money."

and he makes me believe it's true. i feel richer just having him for a friend these days. i just read an article about how our country is making us crazy. our lives are making us crazy. literally. it discussed the uptake in those with serious mental illnesses and how likely much of that is caused by the world in which we live. there's a lot more to it, of course, but one part of the article discussed how important it was to have a confidant in this world. someone you can truly pour out yourself to who doesn't pack up in anger or disgust for you pouring out your true feelings or your true self.

so what is my destiny? i can't really say. maybe it's not grand like i used to dream it would be. maybe it's nothing more than i have right now. but maybe that's rich enough.

superstition

i broke a mirror this morning. a big full length mirror. i knocked it over. and crash. it shattered.

so there we go. 7 more years of bad luck.

that's ok. i'm getting used to it.

of course, i don't really believe in superstitions. i know that the story behind the mirror breaking and bad luck has to do with people used to think that anything reflective would capture part of a person's soul. and that if you broke a mirror then your soul couldn't get back to your body.

there you have it. i am officially now souless.

but i guess i can't say then why exactly this condition would last for 7 years. why not more? why not less? why not forever? i can't really say.

at any rate. i think my life will likely go on quite as before. some stuff will happen that will really suck. and some stuff will happen that won't suck as much. que sera sera.

spree me

so i went on a spree today. a shopping spree.

i don't know what got in to me. i almost never buy myself clothes. but, well, i saw this ad for these shoes that i wanted with some travel in mind. so i went out to get them. only problem was that when i saw them in the real world, i just didn't like them. i did, however, like another pair of shoes. and i have to tell you that they were the very most comfortable shoes, i'd ever put on my feet. they were made for a traveler. they were insane. and i suddenly didn't care how much they cost. and then i saw a watch for 10 bucks. and i needed a watch. so i got that.

but i didn't stop there. i had seen another ad for some exercise apparel. so i moved on to another store to check that out. and well, when i tried those pants on, i didn't like them either. but here's what i did like. 2 dresses, 2 tops, a jacket, and a blouse.

all in all, i spent $130. i know you will laugh and think that's next to nothing, but no exaggeration, that's probably the most i've ever spent on myself at one time. so, in my mind. that was an honest to goodness spree. i know my sister in law would make fun of me, telling me that thinking 130 bucks is a spree is laughable. but oh well. in my mind, and quite honestly, in many people's mind's, i think, i had a spree.

and in honor of my spree, i went to the grocery and bought a bottle of wine and 2 mangoes. that put me back about 12 bucks.

anyway, i have decided that i don't really hate shopping. what i hated was back when i was married, i caught such hell about buying anything, that i never did. it just was not worth it. and if forced to go shopping with someone, it just became an unhappy exercise in looking at all the things that i couldn't have.

so for a long time, those uneasy shopping feelings ruled. a really long time. in fact, almost up til now. i mean, even if someone else was buying me stuff and maybe especially if someone else was buying, i just hated shopping. i couldn't handle it. i somehow had the idea that i would pay for it, with even more than money. but slowly, slowly, slowly it has dawned on me that now that i can buy things if i want and if i budget. i answer to no one but myself. and well, if i discover that i can actually afford to go on a tiny spree once in awhile, well then, hey, i will go on a spree once in awhile.

spring continued

today was ok. warm enough that after i got home from work, i could lounge out on my deck and read in the sunshine. but once the sun went over the top of my building, it got cool in the shade, and i came back inside. it's just not springy enough for me yet. so here's more verse, urging the season.


To what purpose, April, do you return again?
Beauty is not enough.
You can no longer quiet me with the redness
Of little leaves opening stickily.
I know what I know.
The sun is hot on my neck as I observe
The spikes of the crocus.
The smell of the earth is good.
It is apparent that there is no death.
But what does that signify?
Not only under ground are the brains of men
Eaten by maggots.
Life in itself
Is nothing,
An empty cup, a flight of uncarpeted stairs.
It is not enough that yearly, down this hill,
April
Comes like an idiot, babbling and strewing flowers.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

spring damnit

finally, we have some spring. but as i told a friend, i'm not even happy with it. why? because, it's been such a brutal and callous winter, i expectedd to be repaid with a much more than usually delightful spring. i don't want this drizzling in kind of spring. this creep in slowly with stops and starts kind of spring. i want it full out warm and sunny with daisies blooming. i want to be sorry i bothered to even grab a light jacket when i walk out the door, kind of spring. i want unseasonably temperate days, and close to balmy evenings.

and i do realize that the reason i'm so sensitive to this slugglish spring is that i've never really had the time to even appreciate spring before. to me there used to be one big long awful conference season that lasted from mid february to the end of may when i finally wasn't too busy to lift up my face and realize that it was a summer sun that was shining and that the winter was gone. i never had the time before to even consider whether there were signs of spring or not. i simply worked with my head down to plough through it all.

but now? i can enjoy it. and damn it, i want to.

so here's a poem about spring.

waking from drunkeness on a spring day.

from Li Po

“Life in the World is but a big dream;
I will not spoil it by any labour or care.”
So saying, I was drunk all the day,
Lying helpless at the porch in front of my door.
When I woke up, I blinked at the garden-lawn;
A lonely bird was singing amid the flowers.
I asked myself, had the day been wet or fine?
The Spring wind was telling the mango-bird.
Moved by its song I soon began to sigh,
And as wine was there I filled my own cup.
Wildly singing I waited for the moon to rise;
When my song was over, all my senses had gone.

i take it back, i didn't mean it, please forget what i just said...

"i take it back, i'm sorry. i must have been out of my head."

i read this really cool article about how to teach children to apologize. A four step process:
I'm sorry for....
Because....
In the future, i will....
Can you forgive me?

outstanding, huh? and as a grown up adult, i wish i'd have known of this a long time ago. i remember trying to apologize for something once and the person i was trying to apologize blew up because i tried to interject why i'd behaved the way that i had. i thought, apparently mistakenly, that if this person could understand what led me to say what i said, that this person would understand that i hadn't intended harm. i learned the hard way that this merely sounded like excuses and rationalization. it truly wasn't meant to be excuses or rationalization, i just thought that it helps me to understand what's behind a person's actions. apparently that is not true for all. so in the end, i'd really recommend sticking to this 4 step process. and leaving out what i left in.

but i'd also like to propose that we teach children how to accept an apology. something like..

thank you for telling me you're sorry...
my feelings were hurt....
i want us to keep being friends.
and
either- "i will try to forgive you. please give me some time to cool off...."
or "i forgive you."

clearly, i'd like to live in a world filled with unicorns and rainbows, huh?

bad memories

it's frustrating to me how very very bad my memory is anymore. it used to be one of my strengths actually. time was, i could read something or have a conversation with someone and remember those line by line, and word by word. it made studying for things like history, quite easy for me. it also used to annoy me how very poorly other people remembered what they had said. or what anyone else had said. i also used to have this actually quite exceptional talent for repeating a sequence of numbers said to me back and in reverse order. although, i really was never clear if that was a real talent or not. oh and i could hear a song once and sing all the lyrics verbatim right back to you. and i could close my eyes and remember in a picture how everything looked in a room i'd just been in. i was really good at the party game where things were placed on a tray, and then hidden and you have to list everything that was there.

and now. pffft. some days i forget my own phone number. and i have to really work to learn new things. like i never had to before.

and so begins dementia? maybe. but here's the thing. there are so very many memories that i don't really care to have lodged in my head anymore. and those seem to be the very hardest to get rid of. it is too bad that our brains seemed hardwired to remember those things most vividly.

but maybe there's hope that those too will be gone someday. i do hope so. although i don't really want to have dementia to accomplish that. i don't wish that for my family- to have to take care of me.

so they say that it's not a problem if you are always forgetting where you laid your car keys down (which actually i do with less and less frequency now that i live in a small and efficient space.) but it is a problem if you forget what your car keys are for.

i'm not there yet, but please let me know if i get that bad. i likely won't know unless you tell me. but at the same time, please don't bring up any of the bad memories. those should stay lost.

remember sheriff, the wicked shall perish

said just before the Lone Ranger, tonto, and some guy dressed like a monk beat up some bad guys.

such is what you might hear and see on late night tv. hi ho silver. away.

i'm not even sure why i'm still up. i need to get back on my work routine after being semi-off these last two weeks. but i've always been bad about going to bed since i've been on my own.

and really and truly, just about the only way i can get to sleep anymore is if i'm reading. i think it's because if i think about my own life, it keeps me awake. but if i can escape into someone else's life, i can relax.

so i saw the other day on something or other that you can't snore and dream at the same time. might explain why i seem to so rarely dream.

i know i snore. even if there is no one there to tell me that i do.

oh anyway. i'm going to bed now, on the note of "remember sheriff, the wicked shall perish"

i do certainly hope so.

ggggrrrrrrrocery shopping

yesterday i stopped at the grocery to pick up a small pot of flowers for a good friend who was just home from having an icky medical procedure done. and i was in a hurry, because i had to do an errand for her and drop by her house before heading into work. i was a shade worried about being late for work. but not too awfully much. just a little.

so when i saw the long lines at the checkouts, i was sort of dismayed. i thought it would be a quick run in and run out. but fortunately some on the ball manager rang the bell to tell the cashiers to man all the guns. and i was suddenly then able to get in line just behind some lady. which was good, because there was only her. but was bad because she had a lot of stuff. and i suppose if the cashier would have seen me first, he'd have had me go ahead of her, but he didn't. so when he noticed that i only had this small little pot of begonias, he quickly also assessed that the register next to his was being opened. he said, "go over there, you can be first."

so i started over there, and this old dumpy lady (and i only say that because she was not all that old, but she seriously defined dumpy) pushed her loaded down cart in front of me and beat me to the spot. now, i honestly do NOT think she really saw me. i don't. i think she was just moving fast and directly to the now opening lane. so i shrug and i return to where i was and said "yeah, your line is going to be faster after all."

and he smiled (and i'm not sure why exactly he took my side in the supermarket rat race, but he did) and said "no, you go around and go ahead of her. you've only got the flowers." and he tells the just arriving cashier, "hey, take her first."

so i move around, set down my flowers and start to pull out my payment and that's when i hear it.

a GROWL.

an honest to goodness and really audible growl. and i burst out laughing and looked up at the dumpy source of the growling. and the growler met my eyes with absolute fury. she was ticked off. i had gone ahead of her.

and i'm like "mam, he (pointing to the first cashier) told me to go ahead of you." and the newly arrived cashier spoke up and said, "yeah, he did." the first cashier confirmed, "yeah, i did. she only has the flower."

her response? again, she growled.

so by this time, the flowers are officially mine. and quite honestly, i really didn't cost the growler any time at all except for the time she created by making the cashiers come to my defense.

and even while i'm not sure i'd appreciate it if people always growled at me, but i have to tell ya, the whole thing has amused me way more than it annoyed her. and my only regret is that i really was in a bit of hurry, because quite honestly, i really think if i wasn't, i would have waited for her to get in her car and followed her home just so i could see where the kind of person who growls at other humans, lives.

but nature will do such things from time to time

here's a nice poem.

it's called, "End of April"

Under a cherry tree
I found a robin’s egg,
broken, but not shattered.

I had been thinking of you,
and was kneeling in the grass
among fallen blossoms

when I saw it: a blue scrap,
a delicate toy, as light
as confetti

It didn’t seem real,
but nature will do such things
from time to time.

I looked inside:
it was glistening, hollow,
a perfect shell

except for the missing crown,
which made it possible
to look inside.

What had been there
is gone now
and lives in my heart

where, periodically,
it opens up its wings,
tearing me apart.

Phillis Levin

stuck in the middle with me

a new friend of mine wrote a book. and i ordered a copy, and he sent it to me with the inscription- "you are a beautiful human! Thank you for being alive. Best, xxxx.

that's nice. being called a beautiful human. and i do think the guy was really sincere. he's really not the type to write bullshit. but, i know there are people who would beg to differ with his opinion. i believe i would beg to differ.

because i really think that a beautiful human wouldn't think the really terrible things that i think quite often. a really beautiful human wouldn't hold bitter feelings in her heart about others.

but i guess, even so, it's very nice to be called a such a nice thing. especially when you've been told quite the otherwise.

so i suppose that the obvious is true that the truth of me is somewhere in the middle. between the two views. that's probably true for most people. that they live somewhere in between beautiful human and evil.

i think the thing that bugs me though is that the guy who bestowed me with beautiful human really doesn't know me and the person that bestowed me with evil, i thought really knew me. although i do realize now that he really never knew me at all. which i'm not sure- whether that hurts me more or makes me feel better. because if you follow that line of thinking, you have to conclude that he never really loved me either. only his image of me (before he morphed me to evil, that is.) but if he didn't really know me, he really never rejected me either. only what he thought of me.

oh anyway. i'm me. i'm in the middle. don't expect more. don't expect less.