destiny

Destiny has two ways of crushing us - by refusing our wishes and by fulfilling them.

Henri Frederic Amiel


i was in the middle (ok, i was at the 2/3's point) of reading a trilogy of books and i had to wait for the last one to be shipped from timbuktu or somewhere through an inter-library loan. and while i was waiting, i picked up a paperback that my daughter had left behind. this book has been lying in one of my homes forever. just waiting for a day when i might pick it up and read it. you might say that i was destined at some point to read this book.

and it turned out to be a pretty darn good book, as are most of the books that my daughter picks out to read. and the story is long and intricate and i won't cheapen it for you by a quick retelling in my inadequate words.

but instead i'll go right to the heart of this matter that i'm writing about. "i made up my mind to tell him what i'd seen. And when he reacted so angrily...well, if he couldn't forgive you for what you'd done, it was clear to me that he wasn't your destiny."

and i'll interweave this with the closing of a letter i just received, "we are rich Sugar, we just don't have that much money."

and no, the letter was not from a love interest. just a friend. who will always stay a friend, because he's gay. but he's a marvelous penpal. and i think that our exchanges have done more to clear my head and heart than most anything has in this past decade.

and i really don't know what he gets out of me writing him. he's so literate and smart and clever, if you could know him, you'd know that i'd have to bore the stuffings out of him. but it seems that the more i confide to him, the more he returns. and it's almost like being in love. except of course it's not.

but it's certainly a kind fondness that we seem to have for each other. and the more rotten and stupid things about myself that i share with him, the more he seems to like me. for who i am. for the really flawed and selfish person that i am.

and in so many words, he's told me over and over now "well, if he couldn't forgive you for what you'd done, it is clear to me that he wasn't your destiny."

he's invited me (sincerely) to come to visit. and i (sincerely) accepted. except that i told him that it wouldn't be for awhile yet, because with two upcoming trips, i just couldn't afford it for awhile. i told him that if i were rich, i'd travel all the time.

and that's when he returned with "we are rich Sugar, we just don't have much money."

and he makes me believe it's true. i feel richer just having him for a friend these days. i just read an article about how our country is making us crazy. our lives are making us crazy. literally. it discussed the uptake in those with serious mental illnesses and how likely much of that is caused by the world in which we live. there's a lot more to it, of course, but one part of the article discussed how important it was to have a confidant in this world. someone you can truly pour out yourself to who doesn't pack up in anger or disgust for you pouring out your true feelings or your true self.

so what is my destiny? i can't really say. maybe it's not grand like i used to dream it would be. maybe it's nothing more than i have right now. but maybe that's rich enough.