so, when i moved here, i was really happy. my apartment complex is not the ritziest, a little dated. but the cost was really reasonable and i wouldn't be cash poor. and i loved the location, right on the city's jogging trail and a quick trip to bars, restaurants,and shops. i loved the layout of the apartment. i loved that they had a little gym. and a pool. and the people seemed friendly. There was a pretty nice amount of storage. things were good.
then the place was bought by a new management company. and well, let's put it this way... they suck. they really do. and when the management sucks, things go on downhill from there.
so i'm pondering whether i should move. and there are nicer places around here to live. but they'll cost me more. and well, i'm sincere when i tell you that the location here really can't be beat, both in terms of how close it is to my work and the proximity to stuff to do and places to go.
plus, it's just a hassle to move. even while, i do travel quite light in the world anymore. it's still a hassle.
so, i just don't know. i don't really have to decide until summer, because that's when my lease is up. but perhaps, i'll start looking around a bit.
times like this, i do wish i was rich. because then i could just up and move to somewhere that would be better enough that i wouldn't miss the location. for that matter, if i were rich, i wouldn't have to work at all.
but that would be bad, i guess. because then i'd become vapid. and oh my heavens, i wouldn't like that.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
mona lisas and mad hatters
always been one of my favorite songs. "mona lisas and maddhatters"
just the lovely lyrics. and the melody.. but seriously. the lyrics.
while mona lisas and mad hatters
sons of doctors, sons of lawyers
turn around and say "good morning" to the night.
for unless they see the sky,
but they can't and that is why..
they know not if it's dark outside or light..
seriously. you ever hear any better lyrics? don't they knock you out?
well, if they don't. then you are no friend of mine.
and i guess it's supposed to be sort of a love song to New York City.
but that's not all or exactly what it means to me.
to me, it means that no matter how big and lovely the dream is, that those big dreams will break your heart. and that the only thing that's really meaningful and that keeps you from slitting your wrists are the very lovely people you meet along the way. and those people are the reason you can sing a love song to a cold impersonal place.
such as is New York City. or as is the world.
and maybe that's not at all what the song's about. but that's what it's about to me.
this afternoon, i went out shopping with a new friend of mine. (and incidentally, i bought a new blouse for all of 3 dollars and 20 cents. no kidding, 3 dollars and 20 cents!) and she invited me back to her apt for a really late lunch and a couple of glasses of wine. and as newish friends do, we told pieces and parts of our stories to each other.
and it kind of makes me sad. because she's far more open and honest with me, than i'll ever be with her or with anyone. and she tells me this story how after losing her twin sister to cancer, the guy who she is still with today said and did all the very right things.
and i mean to tell you. all the very right things. he tells her he will never leave her. he takes over and helps her with the sister's small children that are breaking her heart. he states affirmatively that he will stay, she doesn't have to worry. and he acts affirmatively to deal with things, when she can't. he expects less than nothing in return. and he gets less than nothing for a long time. he gets her hurt and her anger. and her grief. and the more she pushes him away, the more he quietly stands his ground. patiently.
he's no baby man. he's a real man.
all this she tells me in response to her telling me about her less than perfect childhood, and me asking her how it was that she was able break the cycle that she was born into.
and basically, she was able to stop it, because someone in her life was able to demonstrate to her how stop it by loving her when she was at her worst.
and to tell you, that i am jealous of all this, is an understatement. but to tell you also that her telling her story to me has helped me and soothed me in such an immeasurable way is an understatement too.
because, it tells me that i wasn't wrong to be hurt, heartbroken, and angry at the way i was treated. the way that i wasn't understood. because i have to tell you. that for always i have felt that i did something really wrong. and it turns out, that i didn't. that's what that story tells me. it tells me that i was not. and am not awful.
and so,
"and i thank The Lord for the people that i have found. i thank The Lord for the people that i have found.
just the lovely lyrics. and the melody.. but seriously. the lyrics.
while mona lisas and mad hatters
sons of doctors, sons of lawyers
turn around and say "good morning" to the night.
for unless they see the sky,
but they can't and that is why..
they know not if it's dark outside or light..
seriously. you ever hear any better lyrics? don't they knock you out?
well, if they don't. then you are no friend of mine.
and i guess it's supposed to be sort of a love song to New York City.
but that's not all or exactly what it means to me.
to me, it means that no matter how big and lovely the dream is, that those big dreams will break your heart. and that the only thing that's really meaningful and that keeps you from slitting your wrists are the very lovely people you meet along the way. and those people are the reason you can sing a love song to a cold impersonal place.
such as is New York City. or as is the world.
and maybe that's not at all what the song's about. but that's what it's about to me.
this afternoon, i went out shopping with a new friend of mine. (and incidentally, i bought a new blouse for all of 3 dollars and 20 cents. no kidding, 3 dollars and 20 cents!) and she invited me back to her apt for a really late lunch and a couple of glasses of wine. and as newish friends do, we told pieces and parts of our stories to each other.
and it kind of makes me sad. because she's far more open and honest with me, than i'll ever be with her or with anyone. and she tells me this story how after losing her twin sister to cancer, the guy who she is still with today said and did all the very right things.
and i mean to tell you. all the very right things. he tells her he will never leave her. he takes over and helps her with the sister's small children that are breaking her heart. he states affirmatively that he will stay, she doesn't have to worry. and he acts affirmatively to deal with things, when she can't. he expects less than nothing in return. and he gets less than nothing for a long time. he gets her hurt and her anger. and her grief. and the more she pushes him away, the more he quietly stands his ground. patiently.
he's no baby man. he's a real man.
all this she tells me in response to her telling me about her less than perfect childhood, and me asking her how it was that she was able break the cycle that she was born into.
and basically, she was able to stop it, because someone in her life was able to demonstrate to her how stop it by loving her when she was at her worst.
and to tell you, that i am jealous of all this, is an understatement. but to tell you also that her telling her story to me has helped me and soothed me in such an immeasurable way is an understatement too.
because, it tells me that i wasn't wrong to be hurt, heartbroken, and angry at the way i was treated. the way that i wasn't understood. because i have to tell you. that for always i have felt that i did something really wrong. and it turns out, that i didn't. that's what that story tells me. it tells me that i was not. and am not awful.
and so,
"and i thank The Lord for the people that i have found. i thank The Lord for the people that i have found.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
time to lighten up
well then. i've been really serious, the last couple posts. it's time to lighten up.
so, it's the birthday of one of my children. and i love her and admire her so. and daily gain a love and admiration for her new husband. ha. that sounded like she's had many husbands. no, she has not. just the one. but he's a good one. both my children have nice, good spouses. i feel blessed in that way.
second good thing. i got the invite to go to a national conference, and when i protested that just now i couldn't afford it, a great, good person up and offered to pay for my flight. that's cool, huh? although, i WILL pay them back. no more letting people give me things in life. i've learned that's really really a bad bad idea.
and so. some things are good, no?
and i got my weekly dose of my downton abbey soap opera. and my favorite characters, have kissed and made up. ain't that sweet. of course that's not the end of the story and the fight wasn't a stupid one. the wife had been raped, and wouldn't tell her husband because she didn't want him to go kill the rapist. but she also couldn't bear to be with him or even talk to him really. she couldn't pretend, she was so upset. so instead she was treating him coldly, and even a bit cruelly. and he believed she didn't love him anymore. well, he got told, thankfully. by a person she'd confided in. and sworn to secrecy. but because he rather guessed the secret, he got "it" out of the confidant anyway. although she kept the identity of the rapist a secret still. anyway, thankfully, the woman told the truth when he guessed the secret. and then he went and said all the right things and they kissed and cried and made up. whew. but the storyline doesn't end, because you know full well, he's going to find out who the rapist is. and he's going to kill the person, and then he's going to prison. or get the death penalty.
so last night i was talking about what would motivate a person to kill. and well, i suppose that revenge of your wife's rape might be a justifiable motive. it might. until you take into consideration that it will break your wife's heart forever if you wind up swinging from the gallows or subject to a life in prison.
ah. stupid people in love. but i have to tell you, i really like the fervor with which he loves her. even while she treated him cruelly, and he believed that she didn't love him, he would not let it go. and he put up a fight. he didn't just wimp out and say "oh well. it's the way she wants it." that's love, i think. to seek out reasons. and that he was so enraged that someone hurt her, touches me too. even if he's going to be stupid about it. i can hardly blame him. the thoughts we have when someone has hurt someone we love are beyond reason. and beyond, what a person can take sometimes. and whatever happens here, i'm really just glad that they made up. and that he didn't have to go on believing that she didn't love him. that would have been far more horrible.
so anyway, enough of my soap opera.
it's just good that these things keep me amused. and it's time to lighten up a bit. except i think i'll turn out the light now. and go to bed. good night.
so, it's the birthday of one of my children. and i love her and admire her so. and daily gain a love and admiration for her new husband. ha. that sounded like she's had many husbands. no, she has not. just the one. but he's a good one. both my children have nice, good spouses. i feel blessed in that way.
second good thing. i got the invite to go to a national conference, and when i protested that just now i couldn't afford it, a great, good person up and offered to pay for my flight. that's cool, huh? although, i WILL pay them back. no more letting people give me things in life. i've learned that's really really a bad bad idea.
and so. some things are good, no?
and i got my weekly dose of my downton abbey soap opera. and my favorite characters, have kissed and made up. ain't that sweet. of course that's not the end of the story and the fight wasn't a stupid one. the wife had been raped, and wouldn't tell her husband because she didn't want him to go kill the rapist. but she also couldn't bear to be with him or even talk to him really. she couldn't pretend, she was so upset. so instead she was treating him coldly, and even a bit cruelly. and he believed she didn't love him anymore. well, he got told, thankfully. by a person she'd confided in. and sworn to secrecy. but because he rather guessed the secret, he got "it" out of the confidant anyway. although she kept the identity of the rapist a secret still. anyway, thankfully, the woman told the truth when he guessed the secret. and then he went and said all the right things and they kissed and cried and made up. whew. but the storyline doesn't end, because you know full well, he's going to find out who the rapist is. and he's going to kill the person, and then he's going to prison. or get the death penalty.
so last night i was talking about what would motivate a person to kill. and well, i suppose that revenge of your wife's rape might be a justifiable motive. it might. until you take into consideration that it will break your wife's heart forever if you wind up swinging from the gallows or subject to a life in prison.
ah. stupid people in love. but i have to tell you, i really like the fervor with which he loves her. even while she treated him cruelly, and he believed that she didn't love him, he would not let it go. and he put up a fight. he didn't just wimp out and say "oh well. it's the way she wants it." that's love, i think. to seek out reasons. and that he was so enraged that someone hurt her, touches me too. even if he's going to be stupid about it. i can hardly blame him. the thoughts we have when someone has hurt someone we love are beyond reason. and beyond, what a person can take sometimes. and whatever happens here, i'm really just glad that they made up. and that he didn't have to go on believing that she didn't love him. that would have been far more horrible.
so anyway, enough of my soap opera.
it's just good that these things keep me amused. and it's time to lighten up a bit. except i think i'll turn out the light now. and go to bed. good night.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
killers
so in my last post, i may have sounded like i don't believe in love. and that is just not true. i do. i'm just saying that love makes demands of you, and you really shouldn't make demands of it. or you will be disappointed.
but that's not what i want to write about tonight. tonight i want to write about murders. or rather people who murder. there have been so many shootings lately. although, i'm not just singling out people who shoot to kill. i'm just thinking about people who murder.
so yeah. i can justify murder in a couple of instances. in immediate self-defense (in the real sense, not the trayvon martin sense) or in the immediate defense of another person (again, in the real sense, not the stand your ground kinda crap.)
i mean even killing hitler wouldn't be right. i mean if you have the power to kill a hitler, wouldn't you equally have the power to grab a hitler and put him in a jail forever and ever? not sure you have to kill him.
but i wonder what makes me have these taboos? i'm not religious. i don't object to murder on a "thou shalt not kill" because "he" said so basis. and it's not like i don't have people that i wish would evaporate without a trace. and it's not even because i have a whole lot of heart for humanity. so what is it in me, that keeps me from being a murderer?
i don't know. you might ask if i'd ever been angry enough to murder someone? i've been pretty angry a few times in my life. but i honestly can't say that i've ever been angry enough to grab or go get a weapon and use it against someone. i can't even imagine being angry enough to pummel someone or to hit them over the head with something. i try to imagine a situation where i might feel that angry. but i can't.
on the other hand, i do know people that i wouldn't trust within 10 feet of a gun if they got angry with me. but i have to tell you that when i get seriously angry, i'm more likely to slam something down on the ground than i am to thrust something or pick something up and fire it at someone. i throw down in frustration; i don't lash out in an attack. only twice in my life can i ever remember lashing out towards someone. (and one of those was when i was about 7, so i'm not sure that counts) but i still didn't have enough momentum, will, or furor to sustain a full out attack. and i really can't imagine having that much rage. what i'm saying is that there is a huge difference between a slap and a knife thrust, a firing of a gun, or a beating that would kill someone.
and i hope i don't have to say that i don't have it in me to be deliberately cruel to anything or anyone.
so, what i'm getting at is, what makes a person either cruel enough or snap in anger enough to actually murder someone?
how is that a guy who sits in class next to you one day, comes to hunt you down and stab and shoot you the next day?. i guess i have to think that people that can or do kill are severely mentally ill.
i mean, i keep trying to think of reasons for this shooting. revenge for being hurt? jealousy? sure. those are reasons to be angry. but still, i can't imagine them making a person angry enough to kill. i just can't fathom it at all.
so i have to think that a person who kills is sick. mentally.
and i know that the stats show that the mentally ill are far more likely to be victims of violent crimes than they are to commit them. i know that. but i guess what i'm saying is that, even so, i don't think there is such a thing as a person who murders someone who isn't mentally ill. i just don't think that people that are "ok" kill other people. i just don't.
i feel intensely sad for the family of the young engineer who was killed. but i have to tell you that i also feel terribly sad for the family of his killer as well. i mean, he wasn't right. he isn't right. you might have thought he was, or at least hoped he was. but he wasn't.
i can't think i have even a little bit of any idea of how it would feel to be the mother of the child who was murdered. but i can imagine it would be one of the most horrible feelings you could feel. but what do you think it feels like to be the mother of a murderer? i almost think i'd prefer to have my own child die than to be the mother of a murderer. grief over losing someone you love is one thing. grief over someone you love causing harm to someone else is quite another.
but that's not what i want to write about tonight. tonight i want to write about murders. or rather people who murder. there have been so many shootings lately. although, i'm not just singling out people who shoot to kill. i'm just thinking about people who murder.
so yeah. i can justify murder in a couple of instances. in immediate self-defense (in the real sense, not the trayvon martin sense) or in the immediate defense of another person (again, in the real sense, not the stand your ground kinda crap.)
i mean even killing hitler wouldn't be right. i mean if you have the power to kill a hitler, wouldn't you equally have the power to grab a hitler and put him in a jail forever and ever? not sure you have to kill him.
but i wonder what makes me have these taboos? i'm not religious. i don't object to murder on a "thou shalt not kill" because "he" said so basis. and it's not like i don't have people that i wish would evaporate without a trace. and it's not even because i have a whole lot of heart for humanity. so what is it in me, that keeps me from being a murderer?
i don't know. you might ask if i'd ever been angry enough to murder someone? i've been pretty angry a few times in my life. but i honestly can't say that i've ever been angry enough to grab or go get a weapon and use it against someone. i can't even imagine being angry enough to pummel someone or to hit them over the head with something. i try to imagine a situation where i might feel that angry. but i can't.
on the other hand, i do know people that i wouldn't trust within 10 feet of a gun if they got angry with me. but i have to tell you that when i get seriously angry, i'm more likely to slam something down on the ground than i am to thrust something or pick something up and fire it at someone. i throw down in frustration; i don't lash out in an attack. only twice in my life can i ever remember lashing out towards someone. (and one of those was when i was about 7, so i'm not sure that counts) but i still didn't have enough momentum, will, or furor to sustain a full out attack. and i really can't imagine having that much rage. what i'm saying is that there is a huge difference between a slap and a knife thrust, a firing of a gun, or a beating that would kill someone.
and i hope i don't have to say that i don't have it in me to be deliberately cruel to anything or anyone.
so, what i'm getting at is, what makes a person either cruel enough or snap in anger enough to actually murder someone?
how is that a guy who sits in class next to you one day, comes to hunt you down and stab and shoot you the next day?. i guess i have to think that people that can or do kill are severely mentally ill.
i mean, i keep trying to think of reasons for this shooting. revenge for being hurt? jealousy? sure. those are reasons to be angry. but still, i can't imagine them making a person angry enough to kill. i just can't fathom it at all.
so i have to think that a person who kills is sick. mentally.
and i know that the stats show that the mentally ill are far more likely to be victims of violent crimes than they are to commit them. i know that. but i guess what i'm saying is that, even so, i don't think there is such a thing as a person who murders someone who isn't mentally ill. i just don't think that people that are "ok" kill other people. i just don't.
i feel intensely sad for the family of the young engineer who was killed. but i have to tell you that i also feel terribly sad for the family of his killer as well. i mean, he wasn't right. he isn't right. you might have thought he was, or at least hoped he was. but he wasn't.
i can't think i have even a little bit of any idea of how it would feel to be the mother of the child who was murdered. but i can imagine it would be one of the most horrible feelings you could feel. but what do you think it feels like to be the mother of a murderer? i almost think i'd prefer to have my own child die than to be the mother of a murderer. grief over losing someone you love is one thing. grief over someone you love causing harm to someone else is quite another.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Love will keep us together.
yeah, guess not. not if you're the captain and tenille. those lovebirds seem to be getting a divorce. after, i am too lazy to actually read the article to find out how many years.
they say love never dies. well, yeah. it does. often die. and they say that love endures all things. well yeah. no it doesn't. often it takes the least little thing to end it.
or perhaps it that there wasn't really love there in the first place. infatuation. need. loneliness. perhaps you mixed those things up with love, somehow.
it's a funny thing, that love. people write about it, sing about it, make public displays of it, paint pictures of it. they all kinds of things about it and of it.
lots of times, they lie about it.
the "i love you" lie is probably way more prevalent than "the check is in the mail" lie.
but the thing is, i don't think that a lot of people even actually know they are lying when they are lying. they think they are really feeling it. or they think they will feel it forever. and they don't.
here's the thing. i don't think really that you can ask a lot of love. but i think love asks a lot of you.
it asks you to understand when you are past understanding. it asks you to forgive when you are past forgiving. it asks you to suspend your disbelief, when you are past believing. it asks you to stretch a little further, when you're stretched to your maximum limit. it asks you to stay, when it's easier to go. it asks you to be brave, when you are scared out of your mind.
so yeah. i don't think it's love that keeps people together. anymore than i think it's wild horses that drive people apart.
so yeah. sing your songs. and play your music. and write your poetry. and maul each other in public. run your little races together. and whatever the hell else that you do. it really doesn't mean a thing. and don't count on it keeping you together. it didn't keep the captain and tenille together, and it won't keep you together.
so the question is, what will? i have to say "i don't know." maybe stubborness? integrity? amnesia? glue? twisty ties?
they say love never dies. well, yeah. it does. often die. and they say that love endures all things. well yeah. no it doesn't. often it takes the least little thing to end it.
or perhaps it that there wasn't really love there in the first place. infatuation. need. loneliness. perhaps you mixed those things up with love, somehow.
it's a funny thing, that love. people write about it, sing about it, make public displays of it, paint pictures of it. they all kinds of things about it and of it.
lots of times, they lie about it.
the "i love you" lie is probably way more prevalent than "the check is in the mail" lie.
but the thing is, i don't think that a lot of people even actually know they are lying when they are lying. they think they are really feeling it. or they think they will feel it forever. and they don't.
here's the thing. i don't think really that you can ask a lot of love. but i think love asks a lot of you.
it asks you to understand when you are past understanding. it asks you to forgive when you are past forgiving. it asks you to suspend your disbelief, when you are past believing. it asks you to stretch a little further, when you're stretched to your maximum limit. it asks you to stay, when it's easier to go. it asks you to be brave, when you are scared out of your mind.
so yeah. i don't think it's love that keeps people together. anymore than i think it's wild horses that drive people apart.
so yeah. sing your songs. and play your music. and write your poetry. and maul each other in public. run your little races together. and whatever the hell else that you do. it really doesn't mean a thing. and don't count on it keeping you together. it didn't keep the captain and tenille together, and it won't keep you together.
so the question is, what will? i have to say "i don't know." maybe stubborness? integrity? amnesia? glue? twisty ties?
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
the crazy eyes
so, have you ever noticed that people that commit violence have the crazy eyes? look at the purdue shooter guy's eyes. they are the crazy. look at the boston bomber's eyes. see? the crazy. charles manson. bugged out crazy. ted bundy. creepy creepy crazy. seriously, pick a committer of violence and look at their eyes. i'll bet you donuts that they are crazy looking eyes.
i'm not trying to be ridiculous. but seriously, someone should do an eye study of some kind. to see if there is some correlation between crazy eyes and violence.
ok, it's probably just my imagination.
oh anyway. very sad about this incident that happened too close to home. was quite relieved to hear my good friend's engineering student son was fine and safe, having left the building where the shooting occurred earlier in the day.
i'm tired of all this violence. i'm tired of us ignoring mental health issues. and criminal issues. and gun control issues.
i'm not trying to be ridiculous. but seriously, someone should do an eye study of some kind. to see if there is some correlation between crazy eyes and violence.
ok, it's probably just my imagination.
oh anyway. very sad about this incident that happened too close to home. was quite relieved to hear my good friend's engineering student son was fine and safe, having left the building where the shooting occurred earlier in the day.
i'm tired of all this violence. i'm tired of us ignoring mental health issues. and criminal issues. and gun control issues.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
smoke em. if you've got em.
who says tv is not educational? well, i can't. so i've become a soap opera fan like everyone else here. i've started watching downton abbey with downright fervor. i actually can barely wait for sunday nights to watch the improbable mixture of upstairs with downstairs in a 1920's british manor. and it's proven educational for me because quite often one or the other of the characters will speak a line that i don't understand. and so i look them up.
for instance, i now know king canute was a danish king who, like ozzy osborne, thought he could stop the tides from coming in. or wanted to anyway.
and i know that a high cockalorum is someone who thinks they are somethin' somethin' when they aren't much at all.
and well, i've also learned that the lady of shalott was a poem by tennyson about a girl locked in a curse who could only visit life through a mirror because the curse insists that she weave unceasingly. so in part the second, she watches the world go by in a mirror. until, "i'm half sick of shadows" the lady declares. and then she sees her knight and thinking she can break through the curse, she stops the weaving she's been doomed to, and she dies. in the first version of the poem, she dies and that's it. in the second version, her knight sees her dead corpse and laments her loss. i prefer the first version. but nevermind.
and then i also realized that the indigo girls reference the lady in their song "left me a fool." which is a song that i rather like. ok, maybe like is not the right word. relate to? understand? something like that.
the lady of shalott. hmmm
anyway. this weekend, i had two experiences of note. i went to a funeral service with my mother for an old friend of hers. and was delighted by the minister telling of asking her 88 year old friend's response to the question "if you knew the world was going to end in an hour, what would you do?" her answer? no, sappy- "i'd gather round my loved ones" tripe. instead, "i'd buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke every last one."
and god better love this woman, because i sure do. after hearing that.
then, this morning i had a conversation with an old friend that is still whirling around in my head. because quite honestly, i have never really been on the same page as this friend. although i like her and i believe she likes me, we've never seen the world in very much the same way. but surprisingly, we've both come to a point in our lives where we see things quite the same. in that we've both decided that we are perhaps happier than we've ever been, even while neither of us have a significant other in our lives.
and what i told her was that what has made me happy finally is understanding that there is no hope for more in my life than what i have now. and that mostly what i have right now is quite nice. in essence, i don't have to either live in a shadow of something i can't have or die in the trying to attain it. or make it real.
and realizing that, i'm quite blessed with this wonderful freedom to do as i please. i can smoke the whole damn pack of cigarettes if i want. as if i only had an hour to live.
now my friend did differ with me on one point. she said she did still live in a bit of hope that perhaps once in her life that she'd actually feel real love for someone. storybook dream love. and the difference i guess is that i have felt that kind of love in my life. but what i found out was that it wasn't real. it was only an illusion. he was only a shadow.
The mirror crack'd from side to side;
'The curse is come upon me,' cried
The Lady of Shalott.
"Everybody loves a hero, an image to create, antithesis of everything inside ourselves we hate, but you'd better close your eyes when it's time for them to die, because you'd hate to think the life you'd build upon them was a lie."
so the point is, from now on, instead of dreaming of that illusion that he was a man worthy of loving and dying for or that there is any such man as that for me, i am just happy with the freedom that is real in my life.
because i think what is most important of all, is that i'm no longer required to weave without ceasing. that's happiness enough, i think. and my new motto is "smoke em, if you've got em."
for instance, i now know king canute was a danish king who, like ozzy osborne, thought he could stop the tides from coming in. or wanted to anyway.
and i know that a high cockalorum is someone who thinks they are somethin' somethin' when they aren't much at all.
and well, i've also learned that the lady of shalott was a poem by tennyson about a girl locked in a curse who could only visit life through a mirror because the curse insists that she weave unceasingly. so in part the second, she watches the world go by in a mirror. until, "i'm half sick of shadows" the lady declares. and then she sees her knight and thinking she can break through the curse, she stops the weaving she's been doomed to, and she dies. in the first version of the poem, she dies and that's it. in the second version, her knight sees her dead corpse and laments her loss. i prefer the first version. but nevermind.
and then i also realized that the indigo girls reference the lady in their song "left me a fool." which is a song that i rather like. ok, maybe like is not the right word. relate to? understand? something like that.
the lady of shalott. hmmm
anyway. this weekend, i had two experiences of note. i went to a funeral service with my mother for an old friend of hers. and was delighted by the minister telling of asking her 88 year old friend's response to the question "if you knew the world was going to end in an hour, what would you do?" her answer? no, sappy- "i'd gather round my loved ones" tripe. instead, "i'd buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke every last one."
and god better love this woman, because i sure do. after hearing that.
then, this morning i had a conversation with an old friend that is still whirling around in my head. because quite honestly, i have never really been on the same page as this friend. although i like her and i believe she likes me, we've never seen the world in very much the same way. but surprisingly, we've both come to a point in our lives where we see things quite the same. in that we've both decided that we are perhaps happier than we've ever been, even while neither of us have a significant other in our lives.
and what i told her was that what has made me happy finally is understanding that there is no hope for more in my life than what i have now. and that mostly what i have right now is quite nice. in essence, i don't have to either live in a shadow of something i can't have or die in the trying to attain it. or make it real.
and realizing that, i'm quite blessed with this wonderful freedom to do as i please. i can smoke the whole damn pack of cigarettes if i want. as if i only had an hour to live.
now my friend did differ with me on one point. she said she did still live in a bit of hope that perhaps once in her life that she'd actually feel real love for someone. storybook dream love. and the difference i guess is that i have felt that kind of love in my life. but what i found out was that it wasn't real. it was only an illusion. he was only a shadow.
The mirror crack'd from side to side;
'The curse is come upon me,' cried
The Lady of Shalott.
"Everybody loves a hero, an image to create, antithesis of everything inside ourselves we hate, but you'd better close your eyes when it's time for them to die, because you'd hate to think the life you'd build upon them was a lie."
so the point is, from now on, instead of dreaming of that illusion that he was a man worthy of loving and dying for or that there is any such man as that for me, i am just happy with the freedom that is real in my life.
because i think what is most important of all, is that i'm no longer required to weave without ceasing. that's happiness enough, i think. and my new motto is "smoke em, if you've got em."
Thursday, January 16, 2014
the parsnip project
i'll never be a vegetarian or a vegan. i can't help it; i love a good cheeseburger. and steak. and fish. and eggs. and sometimes chicken. oh yeah, and pork. what can i say? i'm a carnivore.
my conscience about them once being animals, be damned.
but i will say that i probably only eat meat about once or twice a week these days. and i will also say that for the most part, i like fruits and vegetables. i also like pastas and breads.
and since i've moved here to the big city, i've tried a bit to expand my food and cooking horizons. because there's every kind of everything available here at the local grocery store.
and so, i thought i'd try parsnips. they seemed like they might be filling. so i wouldn't be hungry after i ate. they seemed like they might be like carrots, which i like. or like potatoes, which i also sort of like. and so i bought this huge parsnip and decided to try to make some kind of honey glazed carrot and parsnip mixture. i found the recipe on the internet. it had 5 stars. what could go wrong?
and so first i tried parsnip raw. and yeah, i wasn't feeling it. the consistency of a carrot- without the flavor. then i tried the recipe. and the only good part of it was the carrots. the parsnip part was... well... yuck.
sort of the consistency of a cooked potato, but without the taste. even with the honey glaze.... yuck.
so, i'm just not really sure what you would do with a parsnip, unless you were starving. then, i guess you would suck it up and eat them.
because i was taught not to be spoiled and not to waste food, i did eat them tonight. then i ate some cottage cheese and pears to get the taste (or lack there-of) out of my mouth.
and i think for now, for me, the parsnip project is over.
my conscience about them once being animals, be damned.
but i will say that i probably only eat meat about once or twice a week these days. and i will also say that for the most part, i like fruits and vegetables. i also like pastas and breads.
and since i've moved here to the big city, i've tried a bit to expand my food and cooking horizons. because there's every kind of everything available here at the local grocery store.
and so, i thought i'd try parsnips. they seemed like they might be filling. so i wouldn't be hungry after i ate. they seemed like they might be like carrots, which i like. or like potatoes, which i also sort of like. and so i bought this huge parsnip and decided to try to make some kind of honey glazed carrot and parsnip mixture. i found the recipe on the internet. it had 5 stars. what could go wrong?
and so first i tried parsnip raw. and yeah, i wasn't feeling it. the consistency of a carrot- without the flavor. then i tried the recipe. and the only good part of it was the carrots. the parsnip part was... well... yuck.
sort of the consistency of a cooked potato, but without the taste. even with the honey glaze.... yuck.
so, i'm just not really sure what you would do with a parsnip, unless you were starving. then, i guess you would suck it up and eat them.
because i was taught not to be spoiled and not to waste food, i did eat them tonight. then i ate some cottage cheese and pears to get the taste (or lack there-of) out of my mouth.
and i think for now, for me, the parsnip project is over.
Monday, January 13, 2014
I am not I
ironically, after my post last night where i expressed how i feel stupid and uneducated and don't know where to start to amend that, i got facebook assigned to post a poem. i had to post a poem by a poet assigned to me though. and i was dismayed to get ee cummings. i didn't like that for two reasons. one that it's literally hard to type out a lot of ee cummings poems, what with all the funny spacings that seem integral to his poetry. and two, while i used to rather like ee cummings, i'm just not in the mood for him anymore. he's too optimistically happy and in love for my taste.
and i didn't even really like the poem that i ended up posting. which was "i shall imagine life."
but no matter. what i want to post here is a poem that i really like. "I Am NOT I" by Juan Ramon Jimenez (please put little accent marks above the o and above the first e in jimenez because i don't know how.)
I am not I.
I am this one
walking beside me whom I do not see,
whom at times I manage to visit,
and whom at other times I forget;
who remains calm and silent while I talk,
and forgives, gently, when I hate,
who walks where I am not,
who will remain standing when I die.
i like this poem a lot. Juan Ramon Jimenez (with the above mentioned accent marks) was born in 1881 and died in 1958, the year after i was born. he won the Nobel prize for literature in 1956, the year before i was born. i guess at first he wanted to be a painter, but instead he studied to be a lawyer. but i suppose he didn't like that so much and turned to poetry. he was spanish. he became really depressed after his father died. he spent some time in a sanatorium.
and i didn't even really like the poem that i ended up posting. which was "i shall imagine life."
but no matter. what i want to post here is a poem that i really like. "I Am NOT I" by Juan Ramon Jimenez (please put little accent marks above the o and above the first e in jimenez because i don't know how.)
I am not I.
I am this one
walking beside me whom I do not see,
whom at times I manage to visit,
and whom at other times I forget;
who remains calm and silent while I talk,
and forgives, gently, when I hate,
who walks where I am not,
who will remain standing when I die.
i like this poem a lot. Juan Ramon Jimenez (with the above mentioned accent marks) was born in 1881 and died in 1958, the year after i was born. he won the Nobel prize for literature in 1956, the year before i was born. i guess at first he wanted to be a painter, but instead he studied to be a lawyer. but i suppose he didn't like that so much and turned to poetry. he was spanish. he became really depressed after his father died. he spent some time in a sanatorium.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
dumb and dumber
so, i'm feeling pretty stupid tonight. fact is, i'm not the sharpest crayon in the box. and i know that. but it sometimes hits me harder than other times.
i think what upsets me more than anything is that even if one isn't endowed with a superior amount of grey matter, you can at least develop what you do have. and heaven knows, i haven't. i haven't even tried.
i've been lazy. almost all my life. and i'm rather ashamed of that. i think part of the problem is that when i was very young, things came fairly easy to me. then about the time i began to be challenged, i ceased to care very much. and i only consciously learned what i absolutely had to. i even ceased to be curious about much of anything.
and now, i'm indeed sorry for that. for wasting so much time in my life. and now, my extreme ignorance, leaves me quite unclear even where to start to not waste the rest of the time i have left.
it's not that i don't want to have fun and goof off anymore. i do. but i just think now that when you close your mind, as i have, you close your opportunities for such things as fun, as well. and that maybe i'd be less bored and have more fun if i knew more stuff.
am i making any sense?
what's got me thinking about this? well, it started on friday when i went to see a movie and there was a literary reference in it, that i vaguely knew. and that's good. but what occurred to me was that there were people in this world that could actually from memory quote such things. i can't from my own head, quote much of anything. so even while i recognized the quote, i started thinking that i knew little about the background of the quote or the poem from which it was pulled from.
and it just seems to me that i should become more educated. and part of what makes me think that is then on Saturday, someone paid me a compliment and told me "you know, that was quick thinking. you're really smart. i would have never of thought of that."
and well, thanks. for the compliment. but truth is- even if i have a tiny bit of innate ability, which is tiny indeed, i haven't done much with it. i just don't know much of anything. I've never taken the time or effort to learn much of anything.
and that's not very smart.
but where do i start? there's so very much to learn. where do i begin?
i think what upsets me more than anything is that even if one isn't endowed with a superior amount of grey matter, you can at least develop what you do have. and heaven knows, i haven't. i haven't even tried.
i've been lazy. almost all my life. and i'm rather ashamed of that. i think part of the problem is that when i was very young, things came fairly easy to me. then about the time i began to be challenged, i ceased to care very much. and i only consciously learned what i absolutely had to. i even ceased to be curious about much of anything.
and now, i'm indeed sorry for that. for wasting so much time in my life. and now, my extreme ignorance, leaves me quite unclear even where to start to not waste the rest of the time i have left.
it's not that i don't want to have fun and goof off anymore. i do. but i just think now that when you close your mind, as i have, you close your opportunities for such things as fun, as well. and that maybe i'd be less bored and have more fun if i knew more stuff.
am i making any sense?
what's got me thinking about this? well, it started on friday when i went to see a movie and there was a literary reference in it, that i vaguely knew. and that's good. but what occurred to me was that there were people in this world that could actually from memory quote such things. i can't from my own head, quote much of anything. so even while i recognized the quote, i started thinking that i knew little about the background of the quote or the poem from which it was pulled from.
and it just seems to me that i should become more educated. and part of what makes me think that is then on Saturday, someone paid me a compliment and told me "you know, that was quick thinking. you're really smart. i would have never of thought of that."
and well, thanks. for the compliment. but truth is- even if i have a tiny bit of innate ability, which is tiny indeed, i haven't done much with it. i just don't know much of anything. I've never taken the time or effort to learn much of anything.
and that's not very smart.
but where do i start? there's so very much to learn. where do i begin?
Friday, January 10, 2014
who will i be?
for that matter - "who am i?"
a very many of my friends who have known me a long time claim that i'm a very calm person. on the other hand, there are quite a few that would say that i can be quite emotional, and that i can get angry as easily as the next person. and then, look out. ill-advised words will be spoken.
i'm not sure it's wrong to get angry. it's a feeling. as "they" say, feelings are never wrong. but i guess what it comes down to is how you are able to deal with anger.
and let's face it, my past efforts on containing anger have not always been stellar. and i can tell you for certain that even as many times as i've allowed my anger to show and surface, there are multitudes more times when i've kept that anger suppressed. suppression, i can tell you, is just not good for the soul. it makes the soul sick, i know.
and so there was a point in my life, because of that, that i vowed to be more upfront and open about when i was angry. and what i was angry about.
sadly, however, i was definitely not good at walking that fine line between expressing the feeling and not stepping on other's toes. and if you must know, there are times when i actually think that people should feel your wrath (non-violently, of course) and that they should take responsibility for making you feel that way, by taking what you dish out.
maybe that's not really mature. but it's what i feel.
but i strive for maturity. i strive for the ability to turn the other cheek, rather than seeking revenge. i strive for the ability to understand that others might (although, not always) have good reasons for behaving the way that they do. i strive to maintain relationships with people. and i strive for forgiveness for and from people. i try to say that i'm sorry when i've been in the wrong. i try to accept when i've been wrong. i've never been of the opinion that you should throw away people or throw away friendships or love over anger. I think that shows immaturity, equal to no other. and i've little to no respect for people who do that.
and yeah. it's hard. and what it's come down to nowadays is that i stop and decide "who will i be?"
and so yesterday, i was incited to anger. It's a long story, and I won't bother to retell it all, but it broke out over the refusal of the apartment maintenance staff to deal with a snow removal issue. and when i decided to take care of it myself and then a maintenance staff worker came to yell at me for doing it wrong, there was a moment, when i put down my shovel, and i stepped towards him with some fairly choice words for him. (this is what i'm leaving out even while it might amuse you to hear the actual exchange.) and then i dared all 6'2" of him, with my 5'2" 100 lb glare, to make the next move. well, his move was to take the shovel from me and undo all the work i'd done.
to say that i saw a flash of blue hot anger before my eyes is no exaggeration. i was beyond incredulous at his action. my squinty eyes had to have grown as large as saucers. thinking that if i just opened my eyes wider, that i'd believe what i was seeing.
and right then, he and i both had to decide who we were. well, he ended up being a "take your shovel and (literally) run" kind of guy, and i ended up being a "get another shovel and shovel some more, kind of person."
but i also started writing a letter in my head. to the management company. and later that night, after an evening out and a fair amount of wine, i finished the last revision. and i tell you, it's a work of art. all of it's true. none of it is sarcastic. and none of it makes any assumptions about what I expect to be done. but, it will also likely get the guy fired.
and now i have to decide again "who am i?" am i the person who gets a low wage wimpy guy fired for being an ass? or am i the kind of person who realizes that the guy had probably just worked a 12 hour shift of snow removal and he was tired and he took it out on me? i have to decide, "who am i?" and "who will i be?"
a very many of my friends who have known me a long time claim that i'm a very calm person. on the other hand, there are quite a few that would say that i can be quite emotional, and that i can get angry as easily as the next person. and then, look out. ill-advised words will be spoken.
i'm not sure it's wrong to get angry. it's a feeling. as "they" say, feelings are never wrong. but i guess what it comes down to is how you are able to deal with anger.
and let's face it, my past efforts on containing anger have not always been stellar. and i can tell you for certain that even as many times as i've allowed my anger to show and surface, there are multitudes more times when i've kept that anger suppressed. suppression, i can tell you, is just not good for the soul. it makes the soul sick, i know.
and so there was a point in my life, because of that, that i vowed to be more upfront and open about when i was angry. and what i was angry about.
sadly, however, i was definitely not good at walking that fine line between expressing the feeling and not stepping on other's toes. and if you must know, there are times when i actually think that people should feel your wrath (non-violently, of course) and that they should take responsibility for making you feel that way, by taking what you dish out.
maybe that's not really mature. but it's what i feel.
but i strive for maturity. i strive for the ability to turn the other cheek, rather than seeking revenge. i strive for the ability to understand that others might (although, not always) have good reasons for behaving the way that they do. i strive to maintain relationships with people. and i strive for forgiveness for and from people. i try to say that i'm sorry when i've been in the wrong. i try to accept when i've been wrong. i've never been of the opinion that you should throw away people or throw away friendships or love over anger. I think that shows immaturity, equal to no other. and i've little to no respect for people who do that.
and yeah. it's hard. and what it's come down to nowadays is that i stop and decide "who will i be?"
and so yesterday, i was incited to anger. It's a long story, and I won't bother to retell it all, but it broke out over the refusal of the apartment maintenance staff to deal with a snow removal issue. and when i decided to take care of it myself and then a maintenance staff worker came to yell at me for doing it wrong, there was a moment, when i put down my shovel, and i stepped towards him with some fairly choice words for him. (this is what i'm leaving out even while it might amuse you to hear the actual exchange.) and then i dared all 6'2" of him, with my 5'2" 100 lb glare, to make the next move. well, his move was to take the shovel from me and undo all the work i'd done.
to say that i saw a flash of blue hot anger before my eyes is no exaggeration. i was beyond incredulous at his action. my squinty eyes had to have grown as large as saucers. thinking that if i just opened my eyes wider, that i'd believe what i was seeing.
and right then, he and i both had to decide who we were. well, he ended up being a "take your shovel and (literally) run" kind of guy, and i ended up being a "get another shovel and shovel some more, kind of person."
but i also started writing a letter in my head. to the management company. and later that night, after an evening out and a fair amount of wine, i finished the last revision. and i tell you, it's a work of art. all of it's true. none of it is sarcastic. and none of it makes any assumptions about what I expect to be done. but, it will also likely get the guy fired.
and now i have to decide again "who am i?" am i the person who gets a low wage wimpy guy fired for being an ass? or am i the kind of person who realizes that the guy had probably just worked a 12 hour shift of snow removal and he was tired and he took it out on me? i have to decide, "who am i?" and "who will i be?"
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
........
so let's continue with the "nice things" jar.
my work got cancelled again today, and one of my co-workers invited me over for dinner. it's nice to have a new friend.
the mail got delivered finally again. and quite a few birthday cards showed up. nice.
my car got stuck trying to drive out of the apartment complex, and a nice guy stopped, hopped out of his car and pushed me free.
when i got back to my apartment tonight, there was a (shoveled) space still free.
my plans for this weekend got cancelled, but were quickly replaced by other plans.
i'm having lunch tomorrow with one of my favorite people in the whole world.
i got to the grocery store today and got myself some pickles. and some toothpaste.
maybe all this doesn't seem like much to you. but you know what? it's nice enough for me.
my work got cancelled again today, and one of my co-workers invited me over for dinner. it's nice to have a new friend.
the mail got delivered finally again. and quite a few birthday cards showed up. nice.
my car got stuck trying to drive out of the apartment complex, and a nice guy stopped, hopped out of his car and pushed me free.
when i got back to my apartment tonight, there was a (shoveled) space still free.
my plans for this weekend got cancelled, but were quickly replaced by other plans.
i'm having lunch tomorrow with one of my favorite people in the whole world.
i got to the grocery store today and got myself some pickles. and some toothpaste.
maybe all this doesn't seem like much to you. but you know what? it's nice enough for me.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
born into the ice age
it's my birthday! and my mother emails me to remind me that when i was born the weather was so very cold that they would not allow her to leave the hospital for a week.
and here it is xx years later, and we are in the midst of a polar vortex. i was scheduled to work both this morning and this evening, but that's all cancelled. and it's so icy frozen that there is not much thought on my part of going out. it's the ice age again.
and so, this may be the first birthday of my life that i will spend completely alone.
you might think this would be depressing. but i'm not really depressed about it. i'm enjoying the extra days of sloth. the wine stock is holding out; there are still duralogs; i am among those with heat and electricity. i've talked to my daughter, and i woke up (sleeping in) to a multitude of facebook birthday wishes and a number of texts. i don't feel alone or neglected.
and in fact, i actually feel quite good. and maybe even, dare i say it, a bit optimistic about the new year.
in fact, i decided last night that i would begin a trendy "happiness jar" where you write down the good parts of each day to save to look at whenever you are feeling down and blue. or just when you want to.
and i'm just feeling more in the mood to do this. sometimes i'm noticing nice things, these days.
except i don't really have a jar. and i see no reason to waste good paper and ink when i can just write things down here.
so here is a start to my virtual jar:
yesterday as i went out to try to dig out my buried and frozen car yesterday, the cute little couple downstairs came running out to tell me they would do it. they claimed it was in thanks for me providing "the community snow shovel" earlier in the week, which they'd used several times. but i just think it was because they are nice.
i have the day off. enough said.
my daughter called last night, and we talked of plans for my travel to see her and her sweet, handsome husband this summer. i am looking forward to this heartily! she also sent me the most delightful birthday card ever. it made me laugh and laugh. it is only rivaled by the happy shiny milk people card she sent me some years back.
my son and grandson called just now to wish me a happy birthday. my grandson laughed with delight to hear how the complete stranger at the colt's comeback game picked me up off the ground and shook me because he was so happy.
my son and his family gave me hulu plus for my birthday so i can from now on watch the daily show and the colbert report each night again.
i will be seeing one of my best friends later this week. and hopefully 3 others of my besties this saturday.
i am close to the end of this very good book, that i will now sit down with a glass of wine and finish.
happy birthday to both me and the ice age. as i freeze these moments in time.
and here it is xx years later, and we are in the midst of a polar vortex. i was scheduled to work both this morning and this evening, but that's all cancelled. and it's so icy frozen that there is not much thought on my part of going out. it's the ice age again.
and so, this may be the first birthday of my life that i will spend completely alone.
you might think this would be depressing. but i'm not really depressed about it. i'm enjoying the extra days of sloth. the wine stock is holding out; there are still duralogs; i am among those with heat and electricity. i've talked to my daughter, and i woke up (sleeping in) to a multitude of facebook birthday wishes and a number of texts. i don't feel alone or neglected.
and in fact, i actually feel quite good. and maybe even, dare i say it, a bit optimistic about the new year.
in fact, i decided last night that i would begin a trendy "happiness jar" where you write down the good parts of each day to save to look at whenever you are feeling down and blue. or just when you want to.
and i'm just feeling more in the mood to do this. sometimes i'm noticing nice things, these days.
except i don't really have a jar. and i see no reason to waste good paper and ink when i can just write things down here.
so here is a start to my virtual jar:
yesterday as i went out to try to dig out my buried and frozen car yesterday, the cute little couple downstairs came running out to tell me they would do it. they claimed it was in thanks for me providing "the community snow shovel" earlier in the week, which they'd used several times. but i just think it was because they are nice.
i have the day off. enough said.
my daughter called last night, and we talked of plans for my travel to see her and her sweet, handsome husband this summer. i am looking forward to this heartily! she also sent me the most delightful birthday card ever. it made me laugh and laugh. it is only rivaled by the happy shiny milk people card she sent me some years back.
my son and grandson called just now to wish me a happy birthday. my grandson laughed with delight to hear how the complete stranger at the colt's comeback game picked me up off the ground and shook me because he was so happy.
my son and his family gave me hulu plus for my birthday so i can from now on watch the daily show and the colbert report each night again.
i will be seeing one of my best friends later this week. and hopefully 3 others of my besties this saturday.
i am close to the end of this very good book, that i will now sit down with a glass of wine and finish.
happy birthday to both me and the ice age. as i freeze these moments in time.
Monday, January 6, 2014
everything i need
so yeah. wintery weather has shut the whole state down. we are so-ordered not to go out. not to risk the sub zero temps. not to clog up the roadways.
and i've been very obedient. i went nowhere yesterday. no need or inclination. i had (and have) plenty of food, alcohol, duralogs, and all the other essentials.
what i should have done though, but didn't, was go out and clear off and behind my car in anticipation of how very much colder the air would be and how heavier the snow would be. silly, stupid me.
but all's well that ends well, because just as i was making a stab at it, the cute little couple that i live upstairs from came running up and said, "we will do that for you." and they claimed it was because they'd realized that i'd been the one who had been so generous to leave a shovel in the building entry way for all to use. i'd provided the "community shovel." anyway, so they did. they cleaned off my car. and dug around it so that i could actually back it out. and i'm sure i could have done it myself, if i'd have had to- but it likely wouldn't have taken me 3 hours- as opposed to their 20 minutes.
and so, thanks to them, if i absolutely had to- i could get out. but there is nothing i really need.
but i am starting to be guilty of craving things that i don't need, but also don't happen to have.
mostly food. for instance, i'd love to have some sweet pickles. or for that matter, some dill pickles. i'd love to have some beans for making chili, some clamato juice for making bloody mary's, some salami, some more cheese, some cottage cheese, some avocados, some tomatoes. some doritos. i must be craving tex/mex, huh?
the only non- food item, i'm worried about right now- is toothpaste. although, i can used baking soda if i need to. i've got plenty of that.
and i've got books, i've got heat, internet, hulu-plus and netflix. i've got everything i need.
just not everything i want. but that's no different than usual. it's rather like my life all the time.
and i've been very obedient. i went nowhere yesterday. no need or inclination. i had (and have) plenty of food, alcohol, duralogs, and all the other essentials.
what i should have done though, but didn't, was go out and clear off and behind my car in anticipation of how very much colder the air would be and how heavier the snow would be. silly, stupid me.
but all's well that ends well, because just as i was making a stab at it, the cute little couple that i live upstairs from came running up and said, "we will do that for you." and they claimed it was because they'd realized that i'd been the one who had been so generous to leave a shovel in the building entry way for all to use. i'd provided the "community shovel." anyway, so they did. they cleaned off my car. and dug around it so that i could actually back it out. and i'm sure i could have done it myself, if i'd have had to- but it likely wouldn't have taken me 3 hours- as opposed to their 20 minutes.
and so, thanks to them, if i absolutely had to- i could get out. but there is nothing i really need.
but i am starting to be guilty of craving things that i don't need, but also don't happen to have.
mostly food. for instance, i'd love to have some sweet pickles. or for that matter, some dill pickles. i'd love to have some beans for making chili, some clamato juice for making bloody mary's, some salami, some more cheese, some cottage cheese, some avocados, some tomatoes. some doritos. i must be craving tex/mex, huh?
the only non- food item, i'm worried about right now- is toothpaste. although, i can used baking soda if i need to. i've got plenty of that.
and i've got books, i've got heat, internet, hulu-plus and netflix. i've got everything i need.
just not everything i want. but that's no different than usual. it's rather like my life all the time.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Fantasy. Do not Attempt.
there's this car commercial (nissan, i think) where some commuters are in danger of being late until the beautiful woman driver takes things in her own hands and drives up a ramp and launches the car onto the top of a train, which carries them towards their destination. the last shot shows them getting there (whereever there is) early.
and at the bottom of the tv screen, there runs the warning "Fantasy. Do not Attempt."
and you think "duh." until you remember just how many really stupid people there are out there. including myself.
no, i would never be brave enough and or dumb enough to drive like that. i can rarely bring myself to go over the speed limit even. but yeah, once upon a time, i thought perhaps that dreams would come true for me. and i attempted to allow myself to dream.
and yeah. that didn't work out so well. you should never attempt to live out a fantasy. because the difference between the dream and the crashing reality is really just too wide a chasm to ever get over.
so now i don't deal in fantasy. at all. everything is, just what it is. and will continue to be, exactly what it is. and i stick firmly to that.
Fantasy. Do NOT attempt. my motto.
and at the bottom of the tv screen, there runs the warning "Fantasy. Do not Attempt."
and you think "duh." until you remember just how many really stupid people there are out there. including myself.
no, i would never be brave enough and or dumb enough to drive like that. i can rarely bring myself to go over the speed limit even. but yeah, once upon a time, i thought perhaps that dreams would come true for me. and i attempted to allow myself to dream.
and yeah. that didn't work out so well. you should never attempt to live out a fantasy. because the difference between the dream and the crashing reality is really just too wide a chasm to ever get over.
so now i don't deal in fantasy. at all. everything is, just what it is. and will continue to be, exactly what it is. and i stick firmly to that.
Fantasy. Do NOT attempt. my motto.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
ever have that feeling?
ever have that feeling that you dodged a bullet? well tonight, in a way, i did. literally.
i was scheduled to work an intake down at one of our centers. and i wasn't really very happy about it because i didn't want to go back to work until next week. i was kind of mad at myself because earlier in the year, i'd actually scheduled it myself. so i didn't feel like i could ask to change it. so i was quite glad when a week or so before christmas, the director of the center asked to reschedule it to next week.
and so yeah, i was really happy to not have to go down there to work tonight. but really happy turned to "wow" when one of my coworkers texted me to tell me that there was a fatal shooting at the center today, right at the time that we were scheduled to start our intake.
so whew for me. but it's very sad. the person who was shot was just a kid. an 18 year old.
then i was told that they would understand if i didn't want to go down there to work anymore, that they'd look for another assignment. and well, you know? i'm not sure if maybe i'll feel differently and more frightened tomorrow, but at the moment i'm not feeling afraid.
i'm just feeling sad. ever have that feeling?
i was scheduled to work an intake down at one of our centers. and i wasn't really very happy about it because i didn't want to go back to work until next week. i was kind of mad at myself because earlier in the year, i'd actually scheduled it myself. so i didn't feel like i could ask to change it. so i was quite glad when a week or so before christmas, the director of the center asked to reschedule it to next week.
and so yeah, i was really happy to not have to go down there to work tonight. but really happy turned to "wow" when one of my coworkers texted me to tell me that there was a fatal shooting at the center today, right at the time that we were scheduled to start our intake.
so whew for me. but it's very sad. the person who was shot was just a kid. an 18 year old.
then i was told that they would understand if i didn't want to go down there to work anymore, that they'd look for another assignment. and well, you know? i'm not sure if maybe i'll feel differently and more frightened tomorrow, but at the moment i'm not feeling afraid.
i'm just feeling sad. ever have that feeling?
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
on pouring out your anger
my sister in law and i, along with two of her children, spent a quiet new year's. dinner, watching a basketball game, doing a puzzle, trying to get a fire going in her fireplace. some nice wine.
at some point during the puzzling, she told me how some people she knew were airing out their grief, anger, and sadness over a break-up on facebook. and i agree with her. it's just unseemly.
but i think that perhaps i'm not much better. i mean, i never vomited (and never would) on facebook, it's true. but lord knows that i've done it here. and i used to in other places. in place where i at least thought i was anonymous. at least i never ever named names.
but the thing is. emotions so raw and feelings so intense have to go somewhere. they really do. and you really long for someone/anyone to understand how you feel. you want people to be on your side. and to understand how you were wronged. you want some empathy. you want some relief for yourself, from the pain of it all. and sooner or later the thousands you spend on private counseling, run out.
and so it's understandable that it might spill out publicly, even if it's not at all dignified, and you will regret it.
that urge to regurgitate does lessen later (thankfully) but quite honestly, it never quite goes away. even now i struggle regularly not to spill out the contents of my heart here. and often when i'm chattering away here about pretty much nothing at all, it's only to keep my fingers busy, so that they won't betray exactly what i'd like to say. still.
but i do think i've quelled my feelings of being betrayed and hurt down to a low enough simmering point that with the continual stirring through writing, they will never rise up to the boiling point ever again.
i'm proud of that really. because it's been hard work. very hard work.
but i have to tell you, that mostly what drives me to work that hard is that i don't want to be that guy (gal) who vomits all over facebook. or anywhere else publicly. as i think that would make me look all the worse. and already i feel very pathetic for even still carrying this anger or any of these feelings at all.
at some point during the puzzling, she told me how some people she knew were airing out their grief, anger, and sadness over a break-up on facebook. and i agree with her. it's just unseemly.
but i think that perhaps i'm not much better. i mean, i never vomited (and never would) on facebook, it's true. but lord knows that i've done it here. and i used to in other places. in place where i at least thought i was anonymous. at least i never ever named names.
but the thing is. emotions so raw and feelings so intense have to go somewhere. they really do. and you really long for someone/anyone to understand how you feel. you want people to be on your side. and to understand how you were wronged. you want some empathy. you want some relief for yourself, from the pain of it all. and sooner or later the thousands you spend on private counseling, run out.
and so it's understandable that it might spill out publicly, even if it's not at all dignified, and you will regret it.
that urge to regurgitate does lessen later (thankfully) but quite honestly, it never quite goes away. even now i struggle regularly not to spill out the contents of my heart here. and often when i'm chattering away here about pretty much nothing at all, it's only to keep my fingers busy, so that they won't betray exactly what i'd like to say. still.
but i do think i've quelled my feelings of being betrayed and hurt down to a low enough simmering point that with the continual stirring through writing, they will never rise up to the boiling point ever again.
i'm proud of that really. because it's been hard work. very hard work.
but i have to tell you, that mostly what drives me to work that hard is that i don't want to be that guy (gal) who vomits all over facebook. or anywhere else publicly. as i think that would make me look all the worse. and already i feel very pathetic for even still carrying this anger or any of these feelings at all.
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