who will i be?

for that matter - "who am i?"

a very many of my friends who have known me a long time claim that i'm a very calm person. on the other hand, there are quite a few that would say that i can be quite emotional, and that i can get angry as easily as the next person. and then, look out. ill-advised words will be spoken.

i'm not sure it's wrong to get angry. it's a feeling. as "they" say, feelings are never wrong. but i guess what it comes down to is how you are able to deal with anger.

and let's face it, my past efforts on containing anger have not always been stellar. and i can tell you for certain that even as many times as i've allowed my anger to show and surface, there are multitudes more times when i've kept that anger suppressed. suppression, i can tell you, is just not good for the soul. it makes the soul sick, i know.

and so there was a point in my life, because of that, that i vowed to be more upfront and open about when i was angry. and what i was angry about.

sadly, however, i was definitely not good at walking that fine line between expressing the feeling and not stepping on other's toes. and if you must know, there are times when i actually think that people should feel your wrath (non-violently, of course) and that they should take responsibility for making you feel that way, by taking what you dish out.

maybe that's not really mature. but it's what i feel.

but i strive for maturity. i strive for the ability to turn the other cheek, rather than seeking revenge. i strive for the ability to understand that others might (although, not always) have good reasons for behaving the way that they do. i strive to maintain relationships with people. and i strive for forgiveness for and from people. i try to say that i'm sorry when i've been in the wrong. i try to accept when i've been wrong. i've never been of the opinion that you should throw away people or throw away friendships or love over anger. I think that shows immaturity, equal to no other. and i've little to no respect for people who do that.

and yeah. it's hard. and what it's come down to nowadays is that i stop and decide "who will i be?"

and so yesterday, i was incited to anger. It's a long story, and I won't bother to retell it all, but it broke out over the refusal of the apartment maintenance staff to deal with a snow removal issue. and when i decided to take care of it myself and then a maintenance staff worker came to yell at me for doing it wrong, there was a moment, when i put down my shovel, and i stepped towards him with some fairly choice words for him. (this is what i'm leaving out even while it might amuse you to hear the actual exchange.) and then i dared all 6'2" of him, with my 5'2" 100 lb glare, to make the next move. well, his move was to take the shovel from me and undo all the work i'd done.

to say that i saw a flash of blue hot anger before my eyes is no exaggeration. i was beyond incredulous at his action. my squinty eyes had to have grown as large as saucers. thinking that if i just opened my eyes wider, that i'd believe what i was seeing.

and right then, he and i both had to decide who we were. well, he ended up being a "take your shovel and (literally) run" kind of guy, and i ended up being a "get another shovel and shovel some more, kind of person."

but i also started writing a letter in my head. to the management company. and later that night, after an evening out and a fair amount of wine, i finished the last revision. and i tell you, it's a work of art. all of it's true. none of it is sarcastic. and none of it makes any assumptions about what I expect to be done. but, it will also likely get the guy fired.

and now i have to decide again "who am i?" am i the person who gets a low wage wimpy guy fired for being an ass? or am i the kind of person who realizes that the guy had probably just worked a 12 hour shift of snow removal and he was tired and he took it out on me? i have to decide, "who am i?" and "who will i be?"