on pouring out your anger

my sister in law and i, along with two of her children, spent a quiet new year's. dinner, watching a basketball game, doing a puzzle, trying to get a fire going in her fireplace. some nice wine.

at some point during the puzzling, she told me how some people she knew were airing out their grief, anger, and sadness over a break-up on facebook. and i agree with her. it's just unseemly.

but i think that perhaps i'm not much better. i mean, i never vomited (and never would) on facebook, it's true. but lord knows that i've done it here. and i used to in other places. in place where i at least thought i was anonymous. at least i never ever named names.

but the thing is. emotions so raw and feelings so intense have to go somewhere. they really do. and you really long for someone/anyone to understand how you feel. you want people to be on your side. and to understand how you were wronged. you want some empathy. you want some relief for yourself, from the pain of it all. and sooner or later the thousands you spend on private counseling, run out.

and so it's understandable that it might spill out publicly, even if it's not at all dignified, and you will regret it.

that urge to regurgitate does lessen later (thankfully) but quite honestly, it never quite goes away. even now i struggle regularly not to spill out the contents of my heart here. and often when i'm chattering away here about pretty much nothing at all, it's only to keep my fingers busy, so that they won't betray exactly what i'd like to say. still.

but i do think i've quelled my feelings of being betrayed and hurt down to a low enough simmering point that with the continual stirring through writing, they will never rise up to the boiling point ever again.

i'm proud of that really. because it's been hard work. very hard work.

but i have to tell you, that mostly what drives me to work that hard is that i don't want to be that guy (gal) who vomits all over facebook. or anywhere else publicly. as i think that would make me look all the worse. and already i feel very pathetic for even still carrying this anger or any of these feelings at all.