killers

so in my last post, i may have sounded like i don't believe in love. and that is just not true. i do. i'm just saying that love makes demands of you, and you really shouldn't make demands of it. or you will be disappointed.

but that's not what i want to write about tonight. tonight i want to write about murders. or rather people who murder. there have been so many shootings lately. although, i'm not just singling out people who shoot to kill. i'm just thinking about people who murder.

so yeah. i can justify murder in a couple of instances. in immediate self-defense (in the real sense, not the trayvon martin sense) or in the immediate defense of another person (again, in the real sense, not the stand your ground kinda crap.)

i mean even killing hitler wouldn't be right. i mean if you have the power to kill a hitler, wouldn't you equally have the power to grab a hitler and put him in a jail forever and ever? not sure you have to kill him.

but i wonder what makes me have these taboos? i'm not religious. i don't object to murder on a "thou shalt not kill" because "he" said so basis. and it's not like i don't have people that i wish would evaporate without a trace. and it's not even because i have a whole lot of heart for humanity. so what is it in me, that keeps me from being a murderer?

i don't know. you might ask if i'd ever been angry enough to murder someone? i've been pretty angry a few times in my life. but i honestly can't say that i've ever been angry enough to grab or go get a weapon and use it against someone. i can't even imagine being angry enough to pummel someone or to hit them over the head with something. i try to imagine a situation where i might feel that angry. but i can't.


on the other hand, i do know people that i wouldn't trust within 10 feet of a gun if they got angry with me. but i have to tell you that when i get seriously angry, i'm more likely to slam something down on the ground than i am to thrust something or pick something up and fire it at someone. i throw down in frustration; i don't lash out in an attack. only twice in my life can i ever remember lashing out towards someone. (and one of those was when i was about 7, so i'm not sure that counts) but i still didn't have enough momentum, will, or furor to sustain a full out attack. and i really can't imagine having that much rage. what i'm saying is that there is a huge difference between a slap and a knife thrust, a firing of a gun, or a beating that would kill someone.

and i hope i don't have to say that i don't have it in me to be deliberately cruel to anything or anyone.

so, what i'm getting at is, what makes a person either cruel enough or snap in anger enough to actually murder someone?

how is that a guy who sits in class next to you one day, comes to hunt you down and stab and shoot you the next day?. i guess i have to think that people that can or do kill are severely mentally ill.

i mean, i keep trying to think of reasons for this shooting. revenge for being hurt? jealousy? sure. those are reasons to be angry. but still, i can't imagine them making a person angry enough to kill. i just can't fathom it at all.

so i have to think that a person who kills is sick. mentally.

and i know that the stats show that the mentally ill are far more likely to be victims of violent crimes than they are to commit them. i know that. but i guess what i'm saying is that, even so, i don't think there is such a thing as a person who murders someone who isn't mentally ill. i just don't think that people that are "ok" kill other people. i just don't.

i feel intensely sad for the family of the young engineer who was killed. but i have to tell you that i also feel terribly sad for the family of his killer as well. i mean, he wasn't right. he isn't right. you might have thought he was, or at least hoped he was. but he wasn't.

i can't think i have even a little bit of any idea of how it would feel to be the mother of the child who was murdered. but i can imagine it would be one of the most horrible feelings you could feel. but what do you think it feels like to be the mother of a murderer? i almost think i'd prefer to have my own child die than to be the mother of a murderer. grief over losing someone you love is one thing. grief over someone you love causing harm to someone else is quite another.