...and a happy new year....

From the "Merry Wives of Windsor" "Come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness."

that's what i hope to do. i'm spending a quiet new year's, watching a basketball game with a friend, and eating leftovers from the all week/weekend christmas party. and i hope to have a glass of wine or three, and fire up a duralog. and watch it snow. and a lot of people would say this is all lame. not really a new year's celebration at all. no ringing in, no one to smooch on the stroke of 12, no noisemakers or champagne. no, it's not- much. but it's mine.

and when i went to the grocery to pick up a case of duralogs, the man in front of me smiled and he said "if that's all you've got, please, go ahead of me." and i answered "thank you, that's very sweet of you!" and he says, "it's a good day for a fire."

"yes, it is." i answered. and we exchanged smiles. it was a nice little moment.

and i'm hoping it all to be a portent of the year to come. people smiling at me. being kind to me. and i will resolve to drink down any unkindness that comes my way.

happy new year.

i won't be home for christmas

well and of course, i am not home. home is not here. this is where my mother lives, and where my son lives, and where i used to live, until recently. but THIS is not my home.

they say "home is where your heart is." and well, let's just face it- for a very long long time, here has not been where my heart was. i'm not sure exactly where my heart or my home were exactly, but i do know they weren't here. and

it sure seems that i stayed here an awfully long time for not feeling at all at home.

here i was unhappy. and grumpy. and sad. and lost. and i felt alone. even in a crowd. or maybe, especially in the "crowds" here.

and now that i've moved away- even while i've spent maybe about the same amount of time alone- i don't really feel alone there. i don't feel lonely really. i just feel content or something.

but you know what? i find that i don't smile as much there. you know why? not because i'm not happier, but because i am happier. in that i don't feel like i have to fake being happy all the time. i can just be.

on the way here this morning, while driving, i turned on the radio. and the usual cacaphony of christmas carols popped up. and well, there are actually some that i like- so i left it on. and i suddenly found myself singing along to "i'll be home for christmas..."

and i started thinking about that "home" to this person was with the person he loved and with the person who loved him. and i suppose a lot of people can relate to that. and that's why the song is a popular classic. but me, i can't relate to this at all. i don't have this. and what's more, i have no dreams of it anymore. those dreams are dead.

and it seems i'm ok with that now. i'll just be. and i won't be home for christmas.

charmed, i'm not sure.

things were not going well yesterday. i got stuck in traffic 3 times while trying to find and pick up the gift coveted by my niece. three other gifts i wanted to pick up and cross off my list had to wait because i ran out of patience, energy, and time. it was rather icy, and my car was acting funny so i opted to miss a party back in my hometown, and that made me sad. i had to finish up something for work that had me puzzled for way longer than it should have. my project for my family gift was at a standstill because i just could not remember how to do something that it took me two days to figure out how to do the first time.

i went to bed, discouraged and not pleased. it seemed like everything i touched yesterday broke or something. i had the vague, yet not really hopeful, thought as i drifted off to sleep that "tomorrow" might be better.

and well, lo and behold, it was. i woke up and suddenly remembered how to finish my project. my friends texted to tell me they missed me, that it wasn't a party without me. i got all the gifts i had here wrapped. i went out and my car ran just fine, and i picked up my two presents without incident. my sister in law and called and told me she'd found another that i'd been searching for. i finished decorating. i fixed my balcony display. i finished decorating the apartment for my after Christmas guests. i had to wait when i went to pick up something else and got rewarded for my patience with a free giftcard. i crossed 7 "to-do's" off my list of things to do before the big day.

everything just ran like clockwork. and now i'm sitting here with a glass of wine in the glow of my tree, with the wrapped presents underneath, all peaceful and stuff. trying to decide if i should open up a friend's card or not. savoring the moment. very nice.

so how do you think tomorrow will go?

amazing grace.

is there ever anything that amazes you? very little amazes me anymore. but this evening, as i listened to coverage of the horrific school shooting, i was absolutely amazed and stricken by the words of one of the teachers recounting her experience, shepherding her little ones in a bathroom to keep them safe.

she had the presence of mind and the love in her heart to tell them "i want you all to know i love you." she says she wanted to tell them that- because she was afraid they were going to die and she wanted to make sure the last thing her babies would remember hearing was not the gunshots and horrible sounds, but that someone loved them.

seriously, how do you not want to just bundle this woman up in your arms and cradle her?

what grace. what presence of mind. what heart-touching soul.

yeah, i don't think there is a god really. i believe there is so much evil in the world. and stupidity. and hard-heartedness. and hate. and people who only care about themselves.

but oh my gosh, every once in awhile, you have to stand in awe at how utterly beautiful and caring, lovely, and amazing some people are.

karmalized

you might have gleaned that i don't believe in karma. my life up to now has taught me that events are random and life is chaotic and even worse, it's almost never fair and it doesn't tie itself up with a bow. i've learned the sad, hard way that it doesn't matter if you have good intentions or if you try to do everything right- all goodness and light will not shine on you.

and my observations of other people's lives are that bad people get good things all the damn time.

that's really seems to be how it is in my life. up until now- i'd say. for the first time in quite sometime in my life, someone got exactly what they deserved today. and even better, a good deed on my part did not go punished, as per usual.

i'm seriously wondering if hell is freezing over these days.

except of course i don't really believe in hell either.

my showing slip

so yeah. ok, last post was the antithesis of what i want these posts to be. i do NOT want to dwell on the past. not here and not anywhere. but oops, i was caught with my slip showing. and while maybe it wasn't actually a dwelling on past, but i was a dabbling in it. and i'm sorry.

because it really wasn't the intent of the post. it sort of slipped out of my brain. as often, things do. but the post really and truly was to say that i'm pretty thankful for quite a lot lately.

i guess it's just that i'm a pretty flawed human being. sometimes people make me mad. sometimes i can't forgive things or people. sometimes, i don't make my bed. sometimes i get jealous of people. sometimes it gets my goat when people who don't deserve things, have them.

but that flawed person is really not who i want to be. i want to be perfect. i don't ever want my slip to show.

so a friend told me the other day, this thought: she said she read that when we are jealous of people we should stop and think that we are comparing our everyday lives with their highlight reels.

i don't know. i don't really think i think that. i really do think there are people that have it all. and all of their lives are pretty great. and i want to be one of those people, and i also want to be a kind, gracious, loving, forgiving, and generous person. i want to have and be it all.

but damn it. it's not true. and my slip shows.

something else i've heard said is that if everyone were to put their problems into a common pot and then told that they had to choose a problem to take back out of the kettle, that they'd certainly reach back in and take their own back. that your own problems are preferable to everyone else's. and yours? they aren't really that bad. relatively.

well duh. problems are relative. i was sad because i had no shoes, until i met a guy with no feet. that kind of thing. white people's problems and such.

but on the other hand, there are lots of things that people call problems that i'd really trade mine for. so i don't know.

people also say that you'll be happy if only you are just content with what you have, instead of wishing for what you don't have.

but you know what? how are you happy if you don't have all the basics in life? and waht are basics?

is love a basic? or is it a frill? and what kind of love are you talking about? familial love? physical love? the love of a friend? romantic love? which one of those is or which ones of these are actual needs- if love is a need?

i don't know. i don't know much. my slip shows.

and i don't like it.

For which I am thankful..

so, i'm no grammar expert. yes, i do a bit better in real life than i do on here or on my emails, but i do seriously have to think about what is a conjunctive adverb or a coordinating conjunction and what to do with semi-colons and commas. i also know that i use dependent clauses just like they are real sentences quite a lot in my informal writing. whatever. in addition, i have to watch that i don't say things like "where are you at?" which is bad, because you never end a sentence with a preposition, you know. so around thanksgiving time, isn't "what are you thankful for?" bad grammar?

seems like it. but i don't know. i'm no grammarian, as i say.

but i am a bit of a contrarian. in that i stubbornly refused to participate in this year's November Facebook game of "what are you thankful for?" with the posters every day, for 30 days straight, telling you they are thankful for their children, for their spouses, for their dogs and cats and grandmothers, their jobs, their homes, their cousins, their cars, and their friends, and other assorted sundries.

ironically, while i wouldn't participate, i am this year very grateful about very much.

i'm grateful that i have retired from my soul-sucking job and gotten a new one, that i have moved to a more interesting place, for my apt., for my new job, for my devoted friends (new and old,) for my family, for my paid off car and debt, for enough retirement income that i can survive on this job's pay, for my health, for my mental health. and not to leave off actual thing-things; i'm grateful for my new bike, my new tv, my new printer, and my new furniture.

i'm sure there is a lot more if i think about it. and there is one more thing that i don't really like to think about, that i should mention. and that's that i'm no longer paralyzed by heartache as i was for so long. and i guess i'd be a lot more grateful if i could find a big eraser and erase the jerk out of my mind completely, but at least i've finally come around to the realization that it was not me that blew that whole thing and threw it away, and that instead, it was him being less compassionate and understanding and forgiving than any person, let alone someone who claimed to love you, should ever be.

i always wonder now if someday i'll actually forgive him. but you know, it's hard to forgive someone who willfully kills a living thing. it really is. and so for now, i'll just be thoroughly grateful for that i no longer accept his blame and his accusation that i was "the murderer." It took me a very long time to realize that and That is something for which i am very very thankful.

today's discoveries

chief on the list is that my hairdryer, that i've had for maybe 6 or 7 years, has a retractable cord. huh. who knew?

second on the list is that if you look up from what you are looking at while at the coffee shop, you might find someone staring at you. and what's more, if you smile at them, they'll smile right back.

3rd- it is possible to get a great haircut for all of 4 dollars and 50 cents.

4th- that i'm not as dumb as i thought i was.

5th- that i'm not as smart as i'd like to be.

that's all of the discoveries for today. perhaps tomorrow, i'll discover where i lost my other glove.

aging grace

so i needed a new pair of jeans. i seriously haven't had a new pair for 5 years. and they wear out, you know. not to mention that fashions change.

but the dilemma in buying new jeans when you are my age is that you don't want to make it look like you're trying to be younger than you are. at the same time you really don't want to have to be relegated to "mom" or grandma jeans either.

so do you go with the leggings type jeans that are in style or the skinny jeans? or do you try to "rock" the mom-jeans that seem to be the alternative? you have to have jeans. they are an essential of a wardrobe in this day and age. unless you're an old man. old men just look stupid in jeans, i think. they should just wear slacks unless they farm or something. (-:

anyway, as i said, i really really hate it when women try to dress younger than they are. i don't even like it when women over 45 or so keep their hair too long. i mean really? who the heck are we kidding? long flowing locks? yuck. we are not rapunzel and we are not 20 or 30. or even 40. we are in our 50's now. we shouldn't pretend we're young. we just look stupid when we do.

but at the same time, i don't want to dress in amish fashion either and i can't always be dressed up. i have to do "casual" sometimes, because my life is- for the most part- casual. and part of the problem for me is that the skinny leggings/jeans actually fit me decently. i'm in shape enough that i don't have a muffin top or anything. and they are stretchy- so they are crazy comfortable. i put them on and thought "to heck with it, these feel like wearing my skin. i really want to buy them."

so, what to do, what to do?

so the sales settled it for me. cheap prices allowed me to delay the decision and bring it on home with me. i bought two pairs. i bought a nice pair of bootcuts that weren't too "mommy" or too youngish for most of the time and i bought a pair of legging jeans, figuring i could wear them about the apartment at the very least. because they were really really comfy being all stretchy and all. i'll try to never wear them in public, so as not to creep anyone (besides me) out or anything.

what would you say?

"if you a monkey on a string..?"

in my reincarnated mbb, i'm trying to be upbeat. but sometimes i just want to talk. so deal with it.

so one of my very besties lost her dad not long ago. ok. she didn't lose him. he died. but so anyway, she's grieving.

and she texts me last night about 2 in the morning to tell me that she can't stand it. that she just had no idea how much she'd miss him. how much it would hurt.

so i wasn't quite asleep. i was half-way awake. and i had the presence of mind to respond. but still, what do ya say?

i knew what i couldn't say. i couldn't say when or if it would stop hurting. i knew this for certain. because i knew how much i hated it when people would say this to me. or even when they'd imply it. that one day it would feel better. because i knew then and i know then- how the HELL do they know when and if it would ever stop hurting.

so what i said was "it sucks. i'm sorry."

and what i think/hope/pray i also said (because i really was almost asleep and i'm not sure) that how she felt was normal. because that's what i most needed to hear. that it was all normal.

all the anger. all the sadness. all the frustration. all the grief. all the "damn it all to ----ing hell, i HATE this" IS NORMAL.

and it's ok to be pissy and grumpy and angry and downright pissed off. and it's ok to be sad and tearful. and at a loss. and insecure. for a very very long time.

and i hope that somehow i also conveyed that no matter how grumpy, cranky, angry, sullen, bitter, frustrated she is or will be for however long she needs to feel that way, that i would understand and be there.

i certainly would never get all pissed off and walk away from her when she needed me most.

what would you say.......?

my religion

so if you could know the future, would you want to? or is it better that you just don't know anything?

so i was thinking today that if i were a god and i was going to admit people to heaven, i wouldn't ask that you believed in me or if you did good things. instead i would ask you to have gained forgiveness from everyone you ever hurt and to give forgiveness to everyone who ever hurt you before i'd let you go there. and i would make it well known that this is what you had to do. and if someone died before you got their forgiveness- "oops, sorry about your luck on that. you should have been nice while you had a chance to be nice."

in fact, if i were a god, i'd make it very plain to each and every person that i existed and that this was the deal. none of this having to look for or make up clues or hints and hoping people would find me and believe in me.

and if i was all powerful, the first thing i'd do is "turn-off" my ability to tell people's futures. so if they asked me, i wouldn't be able to tell them when or how they were going to die, so they wouldn't even bother to ask me.

and i wouldn't use a hell as a punishment for not picking to go heaven through this deal- i'd just tell people that "hey, you don't get to go to heaven. sorry. about your luck. the luck you made for yourself."

cheered up sleepy jean

"oh what can it mean?"

what it means is that while responding to someone who asked me how i liked my "new life," i starting listing all the things i loved and something popped out that i honestly hadn't thought a whole heck of lot about before. and that is that with my new life here, i'm getting a normal amount of sleep for a human being on a regular basis.

and well, it's quite transforming really.

because i've been running a sleep deficit for years upon years upon years.

some of the reasons for my lack of sleep were stress and grief related- true.
and some of my deprivation was due to that i've always had the tendency to be an insomniac. in that the more i need to sleep, the more i simply can't.

but part of the issue was that i really and truly worked almost all the time and when i wasn't working, thoughts of work were constantly crowding my mind and preventing the zzz's. or if i wasn't worrying about work, i was trying to get out my feelings and frustrations by writing until the wee hours. and it was just like i could not sleep until i got them out.

and so i'd be up late, most usually until after midnight and oft-times until after 2 or so and then i'd be up again at the crack of before dawn. usually at 5:30 or 6. i probably averaged about 5 hours a night on weekdays and i CRAVED saturdays when i could sleep in late if there wasn't some activity to get up for. and if i couldn't sleep in on saturday it was all over again for the week.

and what are the tolls of not sleeping enough. they range from issues of mental health such as depression and anxiety, and for some, even psychosis; to making mental mistakes to crankiness, to weight gain. even to dying younger. and if you are an early riser, apparently you get worms.

at any rate, these days i don't have to be at work until at the earliest on three days a week, 9 o'clock. and i live less than five minutes away by bike from work. so even if i don't get to sleep at a respectable hour here, i can, in effect have a "mini" sleep-in every morning. and there is really nothing to worry about with this job. i go in, i do my job and with the exception of a small amount of paperwork that involves very little thought, there is nothing to bring home in my arms or in my head.

and so also, since i'm not so keyed up with stressful work and other concerns, i am even getting to bed a bit earlier throughout the week. which means i probably now average about 8 hours a night noq. if you count just the 5 weekdays and count by 4 week months, then i'm getting 60 more hours of sleep a month!!! that will add up to what? 720 hours a year? 720 divided by 24 is 30, right? so does that mean 30 more days of sleep a year? ???? someone check my math here! that's crazy.

and, that's significant, no? and apparently i look better because of it as well. or so i've been told by a number of people. and well. also, i'm just happier than i've been in ever so long. yeah. sleep!!!!

trustiness

so you know. actually right now in my life, i am quite happy. i like where i work. i like where i live. the new city. the new apartment. the neighborhood. etc. i like just everything that is in my life right now.

but do i still have sadness? yes. i do. i still am not happy about my love life. or, as it is right now, my lack there-of.

so i went out to dinner with a friend tonight. and i asked my friend if she thought i was ridiculous to try to seek out some opportunities. she assured me not. i was glad. and i thought to myself about how a few years back i simply could not even be asking this question of her or anyone. because frankly i just could not trust anyone with anything. i was stalled and immobile. that's how affected i was by some past events in my life.

anyway, i get home after dinner and as per usual, after i changed out into my sweats and t shirt, i got online and i see this-

"trust the one who can see the sorrow behind your smile, the love behind your anger, and the reason behind your silence."

and i think "yes, EXACTLY!"

and i'm thinking that as i seek out some other opportunities, THIS is exactly what i'll keep in mind. i won't be fooled by a fairy-tale and a false "hope" or "promise." i won't be fooled by a "pretty-face" and a weak-hearted person who really only cares about himself. i won't be fooled by what seems good on the surface, but isn't real. i will hold out for real substance and real understanding of who i am and what i have been through and what is in my heart. and THEN i will trust again. and only then.

and only then.

it's official

arrgghh. it's official. i've become a yuppie. (or is that even what they are called now?)
you want evidence?

today the only productive thing i've done so far is drive to a bookstore, buy a present for someone, using gift cards. and on my way out the door, i went over to the in-store starbucks and bought.... wait for it......a pumpkin spice latte. now i ask you, if that isn't proof of my yuppie status, what is?

truth is, i kinda hate it. i don't really like being a caricature of a person. makes me feel like sometime soon i might start listening to enya or celtic music while driving down the street in my bmw or something.

except the good news is, i don't have a bmw, i have a ford. and i do not like enya or celtic music, or wearing north face jackets. i don't do pilates or practice fung shua, or go running with my partner in matching exercise wear and shades. on top of that i don't live in a loft, and i'm not remodeling a vintage home, and i don't have a dog to take out for walks down a greenway while carrying plastic bags for poop. i don't even have a yoga mat. and i can't really be considered young anymore, plus i forgot for the 6th time to drop the recycling off. so maybe i'm safe.

i did really really really like that pumpkin spice latte though.

shades of blue

so when i last wrote, someone misinterpreted that i was complaining or worried or blue about being "poor." no, no, no. i was not. i was trying to convey that i was quite content with right here where i am right now, poor or not. and inwardly, i was marveling that i could be this poor and yet, be so very content. but i was also begging the gods and the universe to not mess with me. i've been messed with quite enough for one life-time, thank you very much.

and it helps that following that post, i actually did come in at 80% of my savings goal for september. which is darn near amazing considering all the extra expenditures i had this first month here in the apt. in the new city, and the fact that actually it was (and will be monthly) quite an ambitious goal. but this ambitious goal setting is me trying to take extra pre-caution against something, somehow, someways going terribly wrong in the way that most of my life has somehow gone terribly wrong.

it's all to say i just do not trust in the fates at all or anymore.

so, as good as things are for me, my best friend is going through a horrible experience right now. her father had a heart attack followed by his appendix rupturing and now he is on a ventilator and sedated and they are not sure they can wean him off the vent. which means that they (my friend and her family) will likely have to make the decision of whether or not to let him go. unless things improve dramatically and soon.

and it makes me thank whoever it is i should thank for when my own father was in similar shape, he at least was coherent, clear, intelligent as ever, and demanding he be allowed to make his own decision to let go. as my friend was telling me of her family's horrible situation, i could literally see my father's blue eyes flashing in response to the conversation i was having with one of his doctor's when it was his decision time. you never saw a brighter, more intense blue than my father's eyes. and i never saw the intensity of those eyes any more clearly than on that day. it is a color burned into my memory.

i told my friend. i told her that i was so sorry for her to have to make that decision and how vehemently my father felt and conveyed his own. she told me that she knew for a fact what her father would want- the same as my father. but she worried that she was going to have to fight some members of her family about it.

and that makes me sad for her. has me feeling a bit blue. in a greyish sort of way.

on being poor

here is what yeats writes:

"Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."

that is lovely, no? and it's really about love. and i've got nothing to say about that. but i do have much to say on being poor at this point. i am now all settled in my new place with my new job and i make very little. very little. i've been more in debt before, but i've never really been this poor before. never have there been so few pennies coming in each month. but also, i can't remember when i've been this content.

and so while i have no love, i guess i will say to the world in general "i have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."

meaning "please don't mess with me world! please please please. it's taken me a long time to get here to this place where i don't want to curl up in a ball and die, so please please, please do not mess with me anymore. if you should feel the urge, please step around me and keep on walking."

next question

yesterday the question was "where am i?" and now today the question is "who am i?"

remember yesterday when i talked about if i made a mistake around here it is no big thing. it's just assumed that the mistake was innocent?

well, last week i made a mistake. not at work, but in my personal life. not a big mistake really, but an error. it was simply an error. and i didn't know i made the mistake until this morning. and when i found out, i was upset. with myself. and it didn't help that another person who was affected by this error in a peripheral way was upset with me. so if you would have asked me this morning who i was, i would have answered you "well, i'm an idiot."

so tonight at work, i also made a mistake and i was actually quite confused by it. and embarrassingly, i was right up there in front of people when i made it. and i was a bit upset with myself again. but then after the evening was over, i was driving home with someone and i told him i was so embarrassed about making the mistake. and he said "no, no, don't be embarrassed. i think you are awesome. so you made a mistake, sure, but you stepped right up and you took ownership of it and you forged right ahead and on with things. you smiled and took charge of things and you put it aside and moved on and ahead. i admired it. i admire you a lot for that."

so if you would ask me the question now "who are you?" instead of saying "well i'm an idiot" i would say "well, i'm a tenacious human being."

but isn't it fascinating how other people's reactions to you can make or break how you feel about yourself? or is this just me? am i too sensitive to how others see me that it can make all the difference to me how they react to me?

i don't know. but what i do think is that it all reinforces that we all need to remember to be as kind as we can be to each other. because i think for the most part unless you are mitt romney or tony bennett (the super not the singer) or mitch daniels or someone like that- you probably are just trying to do the best you can and you probably aren't out to destroy someone else's life even if you do make a mistake. evil was most likely not your intention. and you deserve to catch a little break and maybe even be admired for your ability to own up and move on.

who am i? i'm a person who is super grateful to be where i am and for the people who are here with me.

where am i?

well here i am, right here. in a new undisclosed location. in a new and exciting undisclosed location. with a new job, a new home, and hopefully a whole new life from here on out.

one that doesn't include having my heart ripped out of my chest and turned inside out like a sweater pulled off too fast, then thrown on the pavement and ground into pieces with the heel of a shoe.

that's never going to happen again. not in this new life. no sir.

so here i am. and while i have had some trying times setting up this new life- (for instance, right now my new tv is lost in transit and last week, between apple and verizon i lost all my contacts, my music, and my pictures) for the most part everything is quite rosy.

i have a new bike, some new furniture, a nice sweet little apartment, a job with nice people and not too much pressure.

i thought to myself today how luxurious it is to not have to write 6 emails, answer 5 phone calls, and make 8 thousand decisions before i even got in the car to drive to work. seriously, how nice is this new life where i can just get in my car (or hop on my bike) and drive/ride less than a mile to work. how nice is this life where people seem glad to see me each morning and i don't have everything i say challenged or questioned. how nice is it that people actually seem to work together and my work gets complimented regularly? and if i make a mistake, it's considered honest and not assumed to be somehow an indication of an attempt to do evil? how nice is it that people check to see if i need anything or need help with anything? and how nice is it when your new grocery store has an oenologist who seems to understand your tastes and your budget exactly? how crazy good is it that i don't have to travel further than a few blocks to buy a shower gift or a box of kleenex or a shoe rack? how perfectly awesome that my new doctor only deals with what i ask him to deal with and says not another word? how outstanding is it to hear from your old job that people are wondering "who was the idiot that let her get away?"

and so i ask myself "where am i?" because this certainly can't be life for me on this earth. it's certainly not been my life uptonow. and i'm wondering "is this heaven?"

Hercules

To my very dear friends who are facing tough times, I'd like to say I am in awe of your toughness (combined with compassion) and convinced of your ability to get through this.

Why am I convinced? Because you have no thought of not sticking together through these tough times. No thought on turning your backs on each other. You are in this together. That's a given with you. That makes you Hercules.

Love you!

hat in the air

if you are of my vintage you will remember the mary tyler moore show where while the opening themesong would play "you're going to make it afterall" she would walk halfway through an intersection, twirl around and throw her hat up in the air. in a moment of a sort of revelry and joy about where she is in her life.

well, except for the fact that it's 80 degrees, sunny instead of cold and snowy and i'm not wearing a hat to throw up in the air, and i'm not in the middle of an intersection (and instead sitting in an adirondack chair photographing a woodpecker on a nearby tree)- that's kind of how i feel right now this minute.

i really like my new job. i like the hours. i really like the people. i really like my new city. i really my new apartment that i will move into in September (and saw again yesterday.) i'm just happy about everything that is in my life right now.

that is not to say that i'm not unhappy about some things that aren't- but hey, if you can't have everything, it's pretty nice to have at least a few nice things.

then to top it off, i found out today that i will make just a wee bit more monthly in my retirement check than what i thought i would plus they sent me a nice little check to make up for the amount they shorted me in the last two months.

seriously, it's my lucky day of a lucky time in my life. i should buy a lottery ticket.

i really might make it after all myself. who woulda thought it?

an era's end

so my x mother in law passed away.

now usually i don't use such terms as "passed away." that's always seemed wierd to me. usually i would just say a person died. because that's what they did, you know. but for some reason i don't feel like saying "died" or "dead" with her. i want to say "passed away." it's like the closing of an era in my life somehow.

i don't know how to explain my ex mother in law. let's just say this- she was unique. i've never known anyone else exactly like her and don't guess i ever will. i know there were a number of times in her life that i was quite upset with her. and i know a number of times she was pretty upset with me.

but you know what? with me, in the end, she was always forgiving. and she was off the wall in many ways and certainly almost never politically correct. and maybe not everyone felt that forgiveness with her. but i did.

and of course whenever i think about her, i think of her daughter, my dear sister in law who died and my feelings are all tangled up with those memories and feelings too.

and i don't know exactly what all i feel right now about the end of this era. but except for i know this- i will actually miss her. and i am sad. that she has passed away.

thank you for letting me be mice elf

to all the people in my life who are being so understanding and kind about how nervous i am right now and who are making all this easier for me- i want to say thank you.

it's hard to take off on your own at my advanced age, you know. i'm trying not to be a baby or a drama queen about it all, but it really is scary. and well, you know, it's kind of lonely too. you always think i guess that by the time you reach my age that any adventure you might undertake that you might be with someone. and it's kind of a reckoning of that aloneness when instead you set out by yourself.

but i'm vowing to be brave here. and there are some special dear people in my life who are helping me be.

so hey- thanks.

heart's desire

this week is has been all about cleaning up small details. getting my teeth cleaned, my car's oil change, getting my broken sunglasses replaced, deciding on things to take and things to leave behind, throwing away more stuff i don't need. and the more i am doing all this, the happier i'm getting. i went online to look at and pick out a sofa sleeper and then a kitchen set. and as i was doing these things, it occurred to me that i only had to put things in the new apartment that i wanted to put in it. and then all of the sudden it occurred to me that i could decorate it with anything i wanted. and i thought to myself "if you could have any picture in your new apartment that you wanted. what would it be? and here it is. i'm going to order a cheap poster print of it. and voila. what my heart desires.

Ch ch changes

Sing it mr. Bowie!

This week has been a whirlwind of decision making and changes for me. I now have a new job, a new home, and a new city. I'm a little nervous.

Course I'm not there yet. but I have signed a whole bunch of papers and filled out a whole bunch of forms and I have a list of follow up instructions and a fair amount of packing to do. And shortly, I will be on my way. Ha. Which also leads me from David Bowie right back to Tom petty- " time to move on, time to get going...."

And maybe for the very first time in my life, my life will actually belong to me.

an american girl

i've been having this email conversation with my daughter about this, that, and the other. about various and assorted sundries. except that's not exactly right, the topics, although numerous, were not exactly "small" to us. actually the conversation has been about some fairly major things happening in our lives. her job. my job hopes. her relationship. other stuff. significant to us.

and pretty much right now, things are at a standstill for both of us. not bad. not good. just limbo. and i threw out "why do i hear tom petty playing in my head?" meaning the song lyric- "the waiting is the hardest part..."

and she writes back and says "you hear tom petty because he is the soundtrack to our lives." and goes on to explain that she has often heard snippets of tom petty lyrics in her head during prominent moments in her life.

oh she makes me laugh. because i do too. "waiting" right now because i'm waiting to hear about a job, which means i'm waiting to hear where i'll live. which means my life is basically all held up and i hate it. i just want to get "there." whereever "there" is.

but then i started reflecting on various other moments in my life and the attached lyrics- "won't back down... you can stand me up at the gates of hell, but i won't back down" for when i stood up to a boss pressing me to do something illegal and wrong. and for when my ex was pushing to move back when it wasn't safe yet."

and "the waiting" for a different situation- back when i was in love.

and "don't do me like that" for when someone was ripping my heart out.

and then i got to "an american girl" which everyone seems to think is about suicide but it's not. not in my head. in my head it's about being disillusioned by life and the things that happen to you and at a terrible moment wanting to jump over the edge because someone has let you down. and then realizing that it is up to you and nobody else but you to keep going. because nobody else is ever going to keep those promises you were raised on. because you are the only one you can ever really trust.

i seem to have that moment over and over again in my life. it's a perpetual theme song for me.

"oh yeah, all right, take it easy girl, make it last all night.. oh yeah, "i'm" an american girl."

split pea soup

so i need to learn to make homemade split pea soup. in fact, i'm going to copypaste this meatless recipe here.

" 1/2 pkg split peas + 1-2 potatoes, cook in 5 cups beef broth--can use bouillon--when it is done, separately fry 2 Tb of onion in 1/2 veg oil 1/2 butter, add the whole thing to the soup, and process. You won't miss the ham flavor, I promise. It's silky smooth, extremely filling and satisfying, and cheap, about 50¢ a serving."

sounds yummy, no?

i've been poring over sites i've found by googling "how to live on $25 of groceries a week." apparently many congressmen to pretend they know what it is like to live on foodstamps have taken this challenge and have found they can't do it. but some people have.

so rice, beans, split pea soup seem to be the big winners for being cheap and fairly healthy many of the sites i've visited recommended dumpster diving.


i'm thinking maybe a jar of peanut butter, a loaf of bread, some jelly, a box of rice, an onion, salt, the makings of split pea soup, vanilla yogurt, cheap pretzels, and a bag of apples a week ought to do it for me. maybe a can of beans. although i don't think i want to deal with cooking them from scratch.

i will also need to give up the diet coke. which i should anyway. also i will miss cottage cheese and summer fruit. such as peaches and strawberries. which are yummy. and i may get scurvy or something but maybe i'll spring for an orange occasionally.

not sure if i'll crave meat. i might. maybe i'll buy a chicken once in awhile or a hamhock.

why am i going on the cheap? well because i'm soon going to be coming up on being poor. so i'm going to start eating really cheap.

i'll let you know how i do. or maybe i'll have you over for split pea soup.

making sense of the senseless

so the news tells us today that the 97 year old Laszlo Csatary was arrested in Hungary. He was responsible for sending over 15,000 human souls to death camps and other assorted cruelties. and it seems the guy has been living in hungary under his own name since around 1997 after being discovered in canada. now he claims he was just following orders that he had to follow.

it's kind of too big to put your head around, isn't it? what do you do with something like this?

one commenter on a news blog thinks "hey, he's old, let him go."

and i'm thinking "what the hell?"

i mean really, that's more compassion than i could sum up for him. and it's one of those cases where you gotta wonder "what would jesus do?" that is, if you believed in jesus. which in fact, considering the scope and horror of the holocaust, it's kind of hard to.

it's also kind of hard to imagine why any jewish person actually believes in a god at all.

what i also wonder about is how if you are this guy - at some point- you didn't crack and say "here i am, i'm turning myself in." i mean, whether you believe in a god or not, how in the heck do you live with yourself if you done something of this magnitude. wouldn't you want someone else to punish you so that you wouldn't have to? or did it seem punishment enough that you had to hold it all in all these years?

or do you just tell yourself "hey, i was in a terrible position, ANY one in my position would have done the same. it was either kill or be killed."

except that this is not true. sure MANY would have, perhaps i can't even think that i wouldn't have if afraid for my life or the lives of my children, but i also know that there are MANY fine people who did risk their lives and did lose their lives standing up against this evil. so it's not that EVERYbody would have done the same.

there was a choice. it might have meant death for yourself, but there was a choice.

and i want to know- was the guy married? is his wife alive? does he have children? if so, how on earth would you reconcile the fact that your husband or your father was a monster?

anyway, this is a tough one for the atheist, because while a person who believes in god can say to themselves that he will be judged by god even if not by the mortals, the person who doesn't believe in god has to feel the immediacy of punishing the guy for what all he did before he ceases to exist. lest he not get any punishment at all.

but then again, where do you draw the line with that? the whole idea of punishment for crimes. because for instance even while i abhor child abusers, i do not consider the reason to incarcerate them to be the punishment aspect, i just want those people away from society where they can't harm another child ever. that's all. (mind you that if i ever found anyone to abuse my children or grandchild, you would have to hold me back from killing them with my bare hands, but that's vengeance, not punishment) but if you follow that punishment logic, the odds of this guy ever harming another human being are beyond slim and at nothing. he's 97 for pete's sake. and he holds no power anywhere. so what's he going to do to hurt someone now? so it would be different if he'd have been caught, 50 years or so ago, i guess.

so what do you do with the guy? i have to say that i just don't know. i guess, take him to court. maybe the trial will raise the consciousness of people once again of the need to always stand up against evil where-ever you can and whenever you are called to. a kind of "don't be this guy" sort of thing.

that's the only sense i can make out it all.

snapshot

i haven't seen it, but my daughter tells me of a photo she took of me while we were on vacation that a couple of people she knows have responded to. one saying "your mother looks very strong and dignified."

i like that. i'd like to appear to be a strong and dignified person. what i'd like even better is if i actually were a strong and dignified person.

ironically, i read an article today about the 10 things you should do or not do if someone dumps you, in order to preserve your dignity. you know how many of those things i did "right?" exactly 2. otherwise i was a textbook case of what not to do.

the worst things i did that i shouldn't have were that i tried to hang on and i didn't just delete him from everywhere.

which brings to mind a quote i read recently that said something to the effect "if love doesn't hold him, then what makes you think your words will? walk away."

and so yeah- completely lost my dignity on that one. completely and utterly.

am i more dignified today? have i gained some in the years since? i'd like to think so. i would actually like to think that if it happened today i'd have enough dignity to tell him to go straight to hell and then turn and walk quickly the other way. that IS what i should have done. silly me though- i loved him. and i thought somehow he'd remember that he loved me if myself or someone said the right thing. what didn't ever seem to occur to me was that if he really loved me in the first place, he wouldn't have dumped me. he would have stopped to consider the other side of things instead.

love, it truly makes you stupid, huh? and certainly not dignified.

ironically one of the things he and i disagreed about always was whether people could actually change. he thought not. i thought so. and i still think so. and so i think that quite possibly someday i actually could be a dignified person, just like the woman in the picture.

Why?

Why haven't I posted? Because I'm attempting to follow the old adage " if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.". It's a good adage. It really is.

But my lack of post can't be entirely explained by this because, well I do have good and nice things to say. I really do. Wonderful things really. About my trip, about my beautiful and accomplished daughter, about the things I am working on. So it's not really true that I have nothing nice to say. Just the problem is that these nice things keep being crowded out by some things that are upsetting me and worrying me.

But I don't dare speak of them here in this public place. The only thing I will say though is what I am feeling. And that is that I'm sad and I feel wronged and I feel helpless and I feel hopeless and I feel angry and I feel discouraged. I'm just upset.

And I've got people calling me up on the phone and offering me advice. And sympathy. And encouragement. And that's all good. These things are the life preservers, I guess. That keep a person afloat. Because even if you can't bring yourself to believe or do any of what is suggested, the prevailing feeling is that they at least care. Somebody cares.

So whatever. I guess I just try to hold together. Vent a little, sticking to my feelings only. Until I can shake off the hurt a bit. And hopefully in a spot of time, i can get to a better place and I can post about the nice things, the good things, and the wonderful things.

Until then...

Evil

Contrary to what a certain person believes, I am not evil. And I never was. This is for the record.


That is all.

Xistential thoughts

So my x is here for a visit to see the grandson and friends. And while we have turned into two very different people and there is much history that is not good, we do seem to be able to get along and we do actually seem to be able to talk to each other.

And I have to admit that he's even been a bit sympathetic towards me and even comforting to me. And complimentary. He told me that he tells his friends how grateful he is that his children turned out well and that he tells them he had nothing to do with it, but that they were just lucky they had a great mother.

And then later he asked me if something about my current situation ever bothered me. And I was so amazed at the question and that he perceived something about the situation and was concerned. And so when he asked me the question, I was for a moment a bit speechless. And then I finally choked out. " yes. What it does is- is hurt my feelings tremendously." something I could never have admitted to him in years past. I would never have let my defenses down to admit that something hurt me.

And then he quietly said "I'm sorry." and " i don't blame you. It does seem very hurtful."


And I said "but there is nothing I can do, I don't think.". And then he said, "probably not, but i think space and distance will make it feel better."

I do hope he's right. I'm not sure he's right, but I hope so. But here is what was so interesting about all this to me- that he was doing something that it didn't ever seem to me like he ever did when we were married and that was that he was listening and considering how I felt and acknowledging that I had a right to my feelings.

And having him do all that actually made me feel a little bit better. And it was nice to feel like I could confide in someone who didn't dismiss my feelings or become defensive or tell me to suck it up.

And it strikes me that between the two of us there is now a great level of forgiveness that allows all this. I'm very grateful for it. And I wish him well.

important research

through the research efforts of others, i have learned two quite interesting and important things this week.

one is that cars that are red attract more bird shit than any other color car.

and the other is that people who do not cope with stress well have a higher incidence of developing dementia.

well and i guess one can avoid having a red car (unless you are like me and you took the car on the lot that they were offering because it was cheaper even though you really don't like red cars) but unless you're rich and stuff- you can hardly avoid being stressed. so the trick then would be to learn to cope with it well.

but what is coping with it well? what does that look like? that you aren't yelling at someone. that you haven't committed murder? that you aren't depressed? that you ignore all your troubles and worries completely and become drug addict?

yes, yes, yes. i know all the things you are supposed to do to relieve stress. exercise, eating right, getting enough sleep, having a network of friends, getting a dog.

yes, but what if, you do all those things that are within your control and the birds still shit on your car? what then?

ok, i'm being silly. it's not stress inducing when birds decorate your car. usually.

however, my point is that sometimes i think stress isn't really stress exactly, it's just unhappiness with how things are. you know what i mean? if you're happy in general- the things that stress you do not really stress you. if you are unhappy, lots of things that normally don't phase you at all tick you off and stress you.

things like having to go wash your car- AGAIN.

anyway, i know this. because i was happy once upon a time for a brief while.

How dumb do I look?

So I went the other day to a meet and greet for a politician. And I went because I'm diametrically opposed to this guy's counterpart. And I hoped to hear something a bit different, since I am one of the few remaining people in the world that believes my vote should matter.

And I did hear something different. I heard what I wanted to hear. But funny, I also heard a sliver of something I wasn't so sure about. But it was such a small sliver that i wasn't even sure if i heard it. Because it was so heady to hear what I wanted to hear. So I went home and looked it up.

And sure enough, it wasn't good and it was much like what I didn't like about his opponent. And I thought "wow, this is how politicians roll, they say one thing while meaning and doing a complete other. Anything to get elected. Kind of like the guy who says he loves you, but doesn't back up his words with his actions and who just leaves you in a lurch when you need something yourself. He really is worse than the guy who doesn't profess to love you at all. Or Kind of like the guy who never out and out lies to you, but just never tells you the complete truth either. He's actually the more dangerous evil."

Anyway, it got me to thinking, how dumb do I look? Did the guy not know I'm a veteran of such wars? doesn't that show on my face? Do I look like I can be bought with wine and a song?

Well that might have been me in the old days. But it's certainly not now.

So I wrote to the person who invited me to the meet and greet and I said "yeah, I'm really sorry to tell you but I've been down this type of road before and it doesn't end well and I can't support your candidate because he's not supporting me.". And the response back basically said "what do you want? He's better than the alternative. We need your support."

And I'm thinking "what?" and "wow" and "how dumb do I still look?"

Happy Thought

"the world is so full of a number of things,
i'm sure we should be as happy as kings."

this was the "happy thought" of robert louis stevenson.

he was quite the optimist.

i need to work on that.

hate- the other white meat

do you remember the first time you ever felt the emotion of hate? the reason i ask is because i was thinking about how everyone remembers the first time they fell in love, but you don't ever hear anyone talk about the first time they hated someone.

sure, i can remember saying stuff like "i hate that xxxxx.(fill in the blank- person, book, movie, teacher, class, whatever) and i can even remember one of my besties chastising me saying "hate is a bad word, you shouldn't say it EVer" in that moralizing tone that only 9 year olds can pull off really well. (she did tell me however it was ok to hate hitler.) anyway- but even while i remember saying it in those instances, i didn't actually feel it. it was just something i said. and i HONESTLY don't remember actually an occasion of feeling hate for the first time.

but there must have been a first time surely- because it's not now an unfamiliar emotion to me.

that is to say that i hate some certain things and some certain people. and i can say that i hate these things and people with all my heart. quite as viscerally as i love, i can hate equally. perhaps even more so.

people such as my childhood girlfriend say you shouldn't hate because hate consumes a person or it causes them warts or crossed eyes or some such awful thing. but i'm not sure i believe that it's bad for you.

hate is something that you feel. it's neutral. just something that happens. like weather. it's not morally bad or good. it just is.

and i would really think that the suppression of it, the inability to own it or just say it might just make you crazy and turn you into a hateful person.

now, am i saying you should ever act on it? no, no, no. unless you hate cancer so much that you find the cure. or you hate child abuse so much, that you work to stop it or you hate the situation you are in so much that you seek to make it better.

they just sentenced a man in the area to life plus 36 years for killing a little girl. and the tv interviewed several people who you could tell would have been quite willing to bash his brains in with the brick that he used on the little girl's head. or slice him to ribbons with the knife or whatever he used to dismember her afterwards. that's some pretty serious hate and you do hope they let the justice system mete out the punishment rather than take it on themselves, but the emotion? well, it kind of seems a rather natural reaction.

so back to my question, do you remember the first time you hated? because i'm wracking my brain here and i just can't. i hate that.

happy father's day to my Dad

today is father's day. and that's a downright peculiar day when you no longer have a father to honor. sure, i've taken some time today to honor my son who i believe is an excellent father. and i've said "happy father's day!" to a few friends of mine. but other than that, the day is kind of empty-ish for someone who no longer has her father here.

i would want to tell you that i had the world's best dad. i really in fact, did. i know lots of people think that, but they romanticize their dads. i truly did have the world's best dad. not because he was flawless but because at his core, he was the only man i ever met and ever will meet who was honest and with integrity always. always. and he was always, without fail- fair. and he could always always see the meaning and the intent behind whatever anyone's words actually were. he never got blinded by anger or pride or insult or injury. he was always forgiving. even when it was scary.

but i think the biggest thing with my dad is that he was just almost never selfish. not with his time. not with what little money he had. not with his talent. and he was one of those rare, if not extinct now, individuals who believed in the importance of community.

it was an odd thing that he was a registered republican. because he believed in open and fair immigration policies. he believed that we have an obligation to take care of those who either can't or don't take care of themselves. (emphasis on the "don't") he believed that people should share their wealth with others. and he believed in "there but for the grace of "God" go i." he believed in freedom. he believed in the responsibility. he believed in leading by example. he hated the ideas of sin taxes or zero tolerance. but he supported paying taxes for public services. hardly republican traits.

my father was immensely intelligent. he was in truth, gifted. and he could have worked at the top of his game. or really any game that he would have chosen. he could have run a corporation or a government agency. but i don't think he could have ever found it in his heart to close down a plant for people to lose their livlihoods, or to cut needed benefits to disabled or senior citizens. he maybe would have found a humane and efficient system of cutting waste or abuses, but he would have err'd on the side of giving too much over giving too little. and i know he would have ever put himself in the position of making the fast buck on the backs of others.

and there are many times when i reflect that i never really appreciated my father fully when he was alive. and there are often gifts of remembrances that i have of him that maybe didn't have meaning for me while in the moment, but have had oodles of meaning for me later.

and interestingly enough, after all the time i spent trying to get over someone in my life, it is actually my dad in the end really- (through memories of who he was) who gave me the gift of realizing that this person wasn't really "all that." that he wasn't really gold- that he was just glitter. and superficial glitter at that.

because a person of real substance, such as my father was- would NEVER have treated me as i was treated. no matter how much pride or anger he had or what he thought i meant by what i said. a person of caliber would never have thrown out the baby with the bathwater. a person of heart would never have not allowed for forgiveness.

so today on this father's day i say "thank you daddy" and "i love you and i miss you very much."

canine conversation

so i'm sitting here with the dog. he's sitting beside me sleeping and he's having a dream of some sort. he's shaking and he's moving his legs like he's trying to run while lying on his side and he's licking his chops and i don't know what all else.

but isn't it a mystery that dog's dream? really? what do they dream about? and why do they dream? i've heard people say that people dream to help them work out issues and problems and such, but seriously, what problems can a dog possibly have?

now if you must know- i'm not a dog lover really. (or any kind of animal lover really) but that is not to say that there haven't been dogs in my life that i've been quite fond of. because they do in fact seem to have unique personalities and temperaments. but then you gotta wonder why that is? what purpose does a dog having a personality have?

seriously, it's late at night and i'm sitting here beside a dog and i'm wondering "what the hell is it exactly with dogs?" really? "what's the purpose of a dog?"

i think what i'd really like is if dogs could talk. i'd like to have a conversation with a dog.

"hello dog, how was your day?"

"my day was great, i watched out the window for awhile, i chased a bug, i gnawed on a milkbone, i had some kibble. i slept in a puddle of sunshine. and you? how was your day?"

"well my day kinda sucked. the job's a bitch and my boss is mean. and i didn't get that report done because this lady came in and took up all my time. and it's cold out and i broke the heel on my shoe. and i dumped out the contents of my purse."

"aw, that's too bad, you want to rub me behind the ears a bit? that always seems to calm you down."

"no, i do not. let me get a glass of wine and then how about you tell me a story?"

"ok, i'll tell you about my dream last night. that's a great story."

behold, the power of cheese

so for some reason today i found myself on a tour of a restored village circa late 1800's/ early 1900's where i heard the story of Jacob Keller.
Jacob Keller it seems lived in switzerland and had a hankering to come to america. so much so that he murdered his rich uncle in order to "inherit" the funds for the voyage.
so jacob gets here and somehow lands in a small indiana settlement as the local cheese maker. and even while not being a particularly religious or righteous or religious guy (being a murderer and all) he found himself settled amongst a bunch of religious folk. and it seems that he liked their ways. he liked how calm and peace loving they all were. so he decided to ask to join their church. they welcomed him into the fold and i guess were all happy about their recruit right up until Jacob decided that as a christian man he must confess his big sin.
so the church folk don't really know what to do. they don't want to lose their new recruit or their community's cheese-maker but they can't just let a guy get away with murder. so they decide to write the police of the city where he killed his uncle on his behalf (because he couldn't write) to fess up and they tell the police that Jacob says he will subject himself to any punishment that they see fit.
so they don't hear anything for a long time. the mail was a bit slow back in the day. but then one day they get a letter that says "it seems that god has forgiven you, how can we do any less? please feel free to stay there and make cheese."
and so that's what old Jacob did. He lived out his days and nights (he slept in a little room on a cot with a straw mattress next to the room where he made the cheese) in the cheese house until he died. he never married or had children or anything else. he just made cheese.

apparently this was a story to demonstrate god's forgiveness. but i wouldn't really know.

boredumb

yes. right now i could be described as bored. are there things i could be doing? sure. i could start by starting to pack and pitching more of my stuff. because while i don't exactly know where i'm going yet, i do know that as soon as i return from my trip- that i am going somewhere. and i need to get together with some friends that i've not seen for a bit. and i need to do some shopping for some things i need.
so yes, i have people that i need to see and places that i need go and stuff that i need to do. but well, i don't know- just nothing right now is exciting me. so i'm just sitting here and doing mostly nothing at all. and i'm bored as dirt. pretty darn dumb, huh?
i think what i'd like is some excitement of some sort. some real fun of some sort.

typing sideways

so i was not happy with not being able to post pictures on the blog from my ipad, so i'm trying out an app that allows me to post them. but i can't size the pictures, plus the program won't turn sideways so that my keyboard will work with it. so i'm typing on it but the screen is turned sideways to my orientation. it's very weird and so i'll probably be looking for a new app eventually. but for now, this is kinda funny. it's like building little towers of words on each line. yes, i know- the little things amuse me. now i will post another picture because i like it.

old dog, new tricks

Trying this app out. here is an interesting picture.

eat, drink, and be married

so there i was. all set to start out blogging in a less serious and whiny mode. and what did i up and do last post? i maximized the seriousness.

well shame on me!

but you must give me a break- afterall- someone i knew just up and died and all.

well so one of my very good friends got married yesterday. today i'm recovering from the party which was a good time. all eat, drink, and be merryish.

and i am happy for her.

so the other day i told my grandson that i was going to this wedding. and he said to me "you're not married."

and i said "yes, i know."

and he said "why not?"

and i said "well who would i marry? i don't know anyone to marry."

and he cocked his head sideways and squinted his eyes, and then after contemplating it all, replied "you should go to work and find the nicest guy at work and you should marry him."


don't ya love that? anyway, i told him i'd think about it not explaining what a comical thing this was to contemplate with my old job.

ha. maybe in the next job. whatever that ends up being.

oh where oh where has my little dog gone?

so you're wondering where the rest of mbb went? well i vaporized it. why? you ask? well because, i just decided that it was time to start anew. "why?" you ask?

well for a moment there the answer was "i really just do not know."

but on reflection i think it had something to do with how completely liberating it was to dump the contents of my work computer, which i had to turn in this morning. now mind you, really, except for storing pictures, i really didn't do or store much personal stuff on that computer. so i took all those off first. but then i was able to go through the my documents file and dump about about a thousand reports and articles and just throw them out. because either they are already attached to some official file in the sky somewhere OR they just won't matter to me anymore. so i would highlight a bunch of them and hit delete. highlight a bunch more and hit delete. rinse and repeat. until there was nothing left to do but dump the recycle bin. and as happy as i was deleting the files, it was thrilling to dump that bin. whoosh and gone! and it felt great!

so then much later i got on here. and suddenly i thought, "hey, i think i'll dump all this crap too!" not that i'm healed or i'm over anything or i have a new life. but it occured to me that one of the first steps to having a new life someday was getting rid of the old one. throwing out the past.

and it was the de-creation story. on the first day there were a bunch of blogposts. on the next, those went up in smoke. and i deemed it good. not that any phoenix will rise from these ashes or anything. but it just felt good to burn it all down to ground level.

so here is mbb- sans the past.

because as you know- the present can become the past, just like that. and i'm thinking "well- it should."

so the other day, the dog ran away. crazy dog, loves to run. LOVES to run. so he ran. again. and we all set out to look for him. we hunted high and we hunted low. no dog. so i posted on facebook. and a few people responded sympathetically, but one actually said "hey, i've got nothing to do, i'll get in my car."

and so she did. for no particular reason- she just went out and looked. basically because that's the kind of person she is. if a dog is lost, she goes to look for it. if you post you like a plant, she goes out and buys you one. if you say you're bored, she talks to you. that's the kind of person, she ...... was.

and i say was for a reason. this woman actually posted to my facebook page again this morning in a follow-up to the dog (who was found finally) post. she posted at 9:50 this morning. then poof. this afternoon, she up and died.

and that's the thing that i've never been able to grasp about dying. how you can be one second and the next not be. just "poof" and you don't exist. you're gone.

and even when you expect a death. when you know it's going to happen and you've been grieving all along about it as in the case of my sister in law- i just cannot grasp that someone can be just gone like that. just absolutely gone. like my posts. like my past. gone.

and then you feel like you're just falling and you are grasping at everything and anything to try and catch yourself out of that free-fall.

and some people don't understand that. and not only do they not catch you. they push you. away.

and you keep falling. until you come to grips finally. and it's such a long process. and it occurs to me finally, that it doesn't stop until it stops. but you also realize that the only reason it ever stops is because of people like this woman who died, who in each their own ways puts their hands out to help break your fall.

and suddenly you land. in a big leafy pile of the past. and then sometimes, you just feel like torching it all.

and that's what i felt like last night. so that's where mbb went. it was torched in a bonfire.

and today i begin again. and someone who helped me land. well she's just gone.

It's magic.

Suddenly I feel differently.